I have been asked, more than once & by more than one person, about why the hell would I want to tell my parents about me and The Girl. Some of my cousins feel that I should hide the fact that I’m gay, from my parents, for the rest of my life. A few people have commented on this blog asking about this crazy need to out myself.
I know that they mean no malice & that they feel that they’re perhaps ‘protecting’ my parents. But let me reverse the situation.
What if you (and by ‘you’ I mean – a person who believes I should just stay in this nice comfortable closet & not come out to my parents) were in love with someone that your parents just cannot fathom you being with. So you fall for whatever it is that you think your parents would get a heart attack over – Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Divorcee, Widower. Take your pick. I’m assuming here that it’s an opposite sex relationship. For the sake of convenience, let’s also assume you & this person you’re crazy about, live in a different continent from your parents & therefore keeping him/her a secret is really easy.
Would you be willing to spend the rest of your life lying to your parents about being in the most intimate relationship with this person? Would you be willing to let half the world know about your relationship but let your parents stay in the dark? How would this reflect on your partner? Do you think he or she is not worthy of your parents acceptance?
My Girl has never ever put pressure on me to come out to anyone, least of all my parents. The only time she says she would want my parents to know about us is when I ask her if she would live in India with me in my parents house for a year or so, should we go back. And even then she says she’d live in India in our own place, if I wasn’t able to come out to my parents.
Coming out to my parents is not something I want to do, it’s something I need to do. For my Girl, for myself and it may not be obvious, but I need to do this for my parents too.
Cross posted at Broombox.
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I understand your need Broom and I commend you on it. Good luck – not long to go now *hugs*
Values should dictate the solution. If you value honesty and openness, you must come out. Your parents may be shocked (or worse), but it’s worth pointing out that you’d be living a lie where both they and The Girl are concerned.
The only positive value I can see for staying in the closet is tradition. But…given that desi traditions are overwhelmingly patriarchal, this is of dubious value to the queer female.
It seems like you’ve made up your mind. It’s just a matter of steeling yourself and formulating a minimal-impact outing.
I had a somewhat similar discussion with my date a couple of weeks back.
The point as I see it is this – Coming out to the family is the right thing to do for various reasons, as pointed out in the post. But it is definitely not the easiest. As we get older we feel more responsible towards our immediate family mainly our parents. More than the shock, we would be “hurting” them and this thought is what scares us the most.
Perhaps it’s a little bit easier to come out at a younger age….when rebelling against the world/family appears so fashionable.
I need to begin with a disclaimer. I understand the position you’re in and I mean no malice. If I were in the hypothetical situation, you created, I’d be very happy to not tell my parents as long as they weren’t compelling me to marry someone else. If I know that what I tell them will hurt them, I’d rather keep them in the dark about this. I am sure my partner will understand this since we are official to the world and just not our parents. Sure, I’d be weighed down with guilt and discomfort. I’d yearn for them to know. But when I know it will hurt them, (particularly considering the age they are at), I’d rather suffer the guilt than make them go through pain so my partner and I feel better. The questions that will arise, their feeling of misplaced guilt for not raising me right, the unnecessary shame. It isn’t right to inflict that when they deserve to spend the end of their life in peace.
Once again, I am not telling you what you should or shouldn’t do. Just what I’d do and my reasoning behind it.
yes coz your same-sex partner deserves and should get the same love & affection from yr parents, as would be accorded to your opp sex partner (if you had one!) – not a fraction less!
IMO, parents eventually do come around. Give them time.