The answer is simple. If you are truly sympathetic and supportive, you let it show. You can do it without saying a thing. Just for posterity, I’m going to tell you about two ‘coming-out’ conversations that I’ve been a part of. Each one is a sweet memory, a verbal token that a friend trusted me and shared something deeply personal.
Telling All
He’s a pal, a friend from the times when ‘chaddi-buddy’ was both a literal and figurative description of the relationship. He’s family in that way where I can call him over to cook for me when I’m hungry, make him sit through a rerun of an old Tamizh movie he doesn’t understand and he cribs and complains all the time but does it all anyway.
One Sunday morning, I called him and demanded that he meet me for an early morning movie. He cribbed but he turned up anyhow. And since we hadn’t talked in over a year, I tossed out a ‘what’s news’ line. It led into an unexpected conversation.
How are things?
What things?
You know…are you dating anybody? How’s the dil ka haal, that kind of stuff. I haven’t heard you talk about any women.
I haven’t liked any women.
Turn left here. What were you saying?
Nothing.
It wasn’t nothing. Tell all!
I said, I haven’t liked any woman.
Ah.
What?
Nothing.
Really?
Well…that’s all?
Hmm.
Ah.
Then the movie started and we were both absorbed in it. Later, over lunch, he referred back to the conversation and asked me what I thought. I said,
I think you’re going to pay for lunch. I paid for the movie after all and I’m broke now.
A Silly Girl
The second time was a chat converation with the girl in this post. At the time of writing it, she hadn’t said anything but I knew she had read the post anyway. She went off for a pee-break and when she returned, abruptly typed,
You wrote one post about your gay friend.
Trepedition. Fear. Mischief. I decided to play safe and just replied,
Yesss?
Who was that about?
Ha! I thought and I typed back,
A very silly girl I know and adore.
.
Then I went off for lunch. A month later, we were having coffee when she suddenly piped up,
And I told her that you wrote a post about me!
My turn to grin.
Who says laughter and fun can’t be a part of important conversations?
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A pal of mine, I very strongly believe is polyamorous. I would like him to know I will be there to listen to him but you know, I do not want to ever ask him directly. I keep sending out very subtle messages. I am not out to him yet, may be that will settle it out then. Any other ideas? Or may be I should let things take its course.
@Rashmi: In both the cases I talked about, we’d been friends a long time and I had suspected for years. But I never brought it up because I thought it was upto each of them to share or not when they felt like it. Letting your friend know that you’ll be for him is just about being a good friend and trusting that he’ll turn to you if he ever needs to talk. But forcing the conversation might feel intrusive to the other person. Some people just want to stay quiet and it wouldn’t be right for any one of us to judge them. It’s a deeply personal choice after all and sharing or not doesn’t reflect on the depth of your friendship.
Also about your own coming out, that’s a personal choice too. And it is also seperate from his choice. Good friends don’t need to trade secrets. I’m sure he’ll be able to pick up the signals you’re sending you and know that he can trust you. All the best!
I agree & I disagree. I think it depends on the individual. When I come out to people I care about, I want them to explicitly tell me that they don’t care about my sexuality & that they love me the same.
But I can see how others would perhaps want a more nonchalant response.
Ideasmith : this reminds me of my first ever coming out to anyone (no, actually my 2nd) Nonetheless this was memorable since I came out to a good friend – before we became close, was just at the point when you instinctively feel you can trust someone. I told her with an sms.. and waited for her reply, my heart thumping with nervousness. And what I got was something really cool and nonchalant (as Broom says) like : “So..Don’t worry.. I am not casting any circles around me for protection.” We haven’t really had an extended discussion on that ever after that – it is like a part of me that needs no extra attention.. it’s there and can remain that way without upsetting her. So I don’t know whether the ‘no discussion’ is good or bad. But I let it be that way..