To Tell Or Not To Tell?

So, I find this Queer South Asian women’s group in my town and I subscribe to their listserv. I read through their website and it quotes  welcoming all self-identifying women of S Asian origin.  Then, a couple weeks later an email comes through about a film event where I meet these 2 awesome ladies whom I end up hanging out with after. And I am all soooo excited to have met my first Desi Queer women in person. With my spirits up, I decide that I should go attend one of their next events.

Fast forward a few weeks…

I go to the social that coincides with the Pride festivities. I walk in and I find like 60 odd gorgeous  women out there at the social. I am completely overwhelmed by the crowd and I am thinking, “Have I gone mad or what? I think I should get the hell out? What if I am not truly accepted? What if someone says something hurtful?”

Fast forward 24 hours…

People are super nice, so much that I end up hanging out at the social and then marching along with them in the dyke march, which by itself was mind-blowing. Yes, I end up carrying the banner with others.

Its all neat, but the restlessness in me keeps brewing through the evening. My dilemma is, I haven’t told anyone explicitly I am trans. Not yet. Or should I? Does it even matter? I don’t see that as a biggie? My trans-feministic attitude kicks in and I start playing the Devil’s advocate. The other half of my brain says “hey if its not a biggie then why not just go and share it? Why you being such a wimp?” The funny part is, since everyone I spoke to was super nice, I tended to believe not everyone figured it yet or they were just too polite about it or just accepting. I prefer the last one of-course!

I know I am not embarrassed about my queerness. I am pretty much out to a lot of people that matter to me. I view my transness as just another part of who I am,  rather than that being the focal point of the person who I am.  (Yes it makes a difference if I am being intimate with someone which is a totally different topic that I will discuss in a different post).  Ideally, I would like to be known as” R.. is an awesome person or a bitch blah blah who lives hereand there  and she is fun to hang out with. …<conversation continues and may be later> … …. She is trans, she is a dyke, she is naughty… < and so on>” and not as a “Do you know R.-the trans B?” . In the same vein, I also tend not to start conversations with what kind of work I do? While for a lot of people, their work defines them, its not so in my case.  I merely look at it as a way to a comfortable life and I do not in any case would like who I am to be associated merely with what I do?

On my way back home, I keep thinking, “Am I fearful of being hurt?”. “Do I fear of being ostracized by the already smaller gaysi community?” “Am I just ashamed of myself?”  “Am I not being hypocritical? Am I not going into the closet by not telling anyone at a support group of all places?”

I understand intellectually that there is a point in every relationship that each of us are comfortable sharing about ourselves with others.  But I still keep wondering… There is a sense of bittersweetness about the whole social. While I am still pondering about when and whom to share it with…

… Question to y’all, “Have you ever been in a similar situation? When do you think its okay to tell someone? – I am not talking about the average Jane or Joe here but rather other queer folks? Have you ever had someone tell you they were gay, and then as you get to know them they come out as trans or bi or into masochism or being poly and so on …? Did it change the way you felt about the person- for good or bad? Did it make you feel closer or repulsive? Or was it just a ‘I don’t care because you are awesome‘ kind of a feeling? And most importantly, will it ever change your feelings about a person if you really like them (and I presume you know what I mean) *wink*”