So, I find this Queer South Asian women’s group in my town and I subscribe to their listserv. I read through their website and it quotes welcoming all self-identifying women of S Asian origin. Then, a couple weeks later an email comes through about a film event where I meet these 2 awesome ladies whom I end up hanging out with after. And I am all soooo excited to have met my first Desi Queer women in person. With my spirits up, I decide that I should go attend one of their next events.
Fast forward a few weeks…
I go to the social that coincides with the Pride festivities. I walk in and I find like 60 odd gorgeous women out there at the social. I am completely overwhelmed by the crowd and I am thinking, “Have I gone mad or what? I think I should get the hell out? What if I am not truly accepted? What if someone says something hurtful?”
Fast forward 24 hours…
People are super nice, so much that I end up hanging out at the social and then marching along with them in the dyke march, which by itself was mind-blowing. Yes, I end up carrying the banner with others.
Its all neat, but the restlessness in me keeps brewing through the evening. My dilemma is, I haven’t told anyone explicitly I am trans. Not yet. Or should I? Does it even matter? I don’t see that as a biggie? My trans-feministic attitude kicks in and I start playing the Devil’s advocate. The other half of my brain says “hey if its not a biggie then why not just go and share it? Why you being such a wimp?” The funny part is, since everyone I spoke to was super nice, I tended to believe not everyone figured it yet or they were just too polite about it or just accepting. I prefer the last one of-course!
I know I am not embarrassed about my queerness. I am pretty much out to a lot of people that matter to me. I view my transness as just another part of who I am, rather than that being the focal point of the person who I am. (Yes it makes a difference if I am being intimate with someone which is a totally different topic that I will discuss in a different post). Ideally, I would like to be known as” R.. is an awesome person or a bitch blah blah who lives hereand there and she is fun to hang out with. …<conversation continues and may be later> … …. She is trans, she is a dyke, she is naughty… < and so on>” and not as a “Do you know R.-the trans B?” . In the same vein, I also tend not to start conversations with what kind of work I do? While for a lot of people, their work defines them, its not so in my case. I merely look at it as a way to a comfortable life and I do not in any case would like who I am to be associated merely with what I do?
On my way back home, I keep thinking, “Am I fearful of being hurt?”. “Do I fear of being ostracized by the already smaller gaysi community?” “Am I just ashamed of myself?” “Am I not being hypocritical? Am I not going into the closet by not telling anyone at a support group of all places?”
I understand intellectually that there is a point in every relationship that each of us are comfortable sharing about ourselves with others. But I still keep wondering… There is a sense of bittersweetness about the whole social. While I am still pondering about when and whom to share it with…
… Question to y’all, “Have you ever been in a similar situation? When do you think its okay to tell someone? – I am not talking about the average Jane or Joe here but rather other queer folks? Have you ever had someone tell you they were gay, and then as you get to know them they come out as trans or bi or into masochism or being poly and so on …? Did it change the way you felt about the person- for good or bad? Did it make you feel closer or repulsive? Or was it just a ‘I don’t care because you are awesome‘ kind of a feeling? And most importantly, will it ever change your feelings about a person if you really like them (and I presume you know what I mean) *wink*”
I had a friend come out to me as bi. I’d thought she was gay. When she did I was like you are still the awesome you. So no biggie. And we got kinda closer too.
I am not an expert here. But I am a former homophobic (I blame the culture) and it was weird for me when I found out that my favorite teacher is gay. It took me few days to again be normal and realize that him being gay doesn’t change the way he teaches. He is still the awesome teacher I admire. But not everyone was that accommodating. He became the “gay teacher” after that (I resented that).
I don’t want to sound negative but I think people are more transphobic than homophobic. Having said that, I would also say that the hardest thing in the world is to be honest with yourself, and if you are honest with yourself, you can be honest with everyone else as well.
You are right about people being hurtful but then there might be some like me who are simply trans/homo-phobic because they have simply never met someone/admired someone who is different.
I am not sure what the right answer is, I can simply offer some opinions, but as I said in my opening sentence, I am no expert. Good luck! 🙂
People can be more accepting than you give them credit for. I think people would like to know, I certainly would like to know from you if I were your friend or acquaintance. Personally, I wouldn’t care if someone I knew was a transgender person. If he/she were totally awesome anyway, nothing would change for me.
But like you said, that may bother/affect/make a difference to someone especially if you’re in a romantic relationship with someone who may view it as somewhat altering equations. But hey, wouldn’t you rather know where you stand? And while you needn’t flaunt your transness or make it the your most visible trait, its who you are, so why hide?
I used to be transphobic too (not in a ‘i hate trans’ way but in a ‘they make me uncomfortable’ way.)
Like Richa said, it’s the culture we’ve all been raised in. We just make these assumptions about what it is to be gay or to be trans.
Getting to know you, Rashmi, has been the best way possible to dissolve my transphobia. TG said this to me as well, that she used to be uncomfortable with the notion of trans people – till she met one & became really good friends with her.
What I’m saying is, when you come out to them they might not react the way you want them to, but if they’re open minded & open hearted, they will try to learn as much as possible about you & about being trans to dispel their discomfort.
We should never stay in the closet just because ignorance has made others uncomfortable – if we did, we wouldn’t have gotten where we are with gay rights & trans rights.
As for dating someone – I will admit that it will come as a total googly to me if I find out that the person is trans. Then it will boil down to – how long did they keep this secret for me (that would be a deal breaker because of trust issues) & how deeply in love am I with this person? If I love them then this wouldn’t matter in the long run, but might cause some disruptions in the short run.
Great post. I m preparing for my first participation in this march in Mumbai. I am damn nervous about it. But I am feeling little relieved after reading this post. It has certainly elated much pressure off my mind. Can’t really wait to catch the energy of all in sync marching for the common cause.
Regarding the questions in the end, I would say that life has a wonderful of surprising us everytime. This surprise can be wonderful or awful depending on our expectations. Struggle for general acceptance is centuries old. Look around yourself, you shall see almost everyone is complaining about something or other.
Just be happy. Keep yourself in good company. Thats the mantra of survival in this place full of prejudices.
@La Vida Loca – Thanks. Your words were simple and to the point. I think it still comes to each person and I am hoping people like me for who I am.
@Richa – I agree that people can be more transphobic than homophobic. It irks me when gay people do that. But as Broonm said there is just no way but to be out and open.And I totally sync with you about being honest to oneself. Hence the tag “Brutally honest”.
@Jane- I am not quite sure what you emant by “But hey, wouldn’t you rather know where you stand? “. I totally loved your last sentence. Thanks.
@Broom – I learnt a lot from you too given I have never heard or met a gaysi before. I agree with you on coming out. Actually, with trans people the coming out is so obvious -its almost like “on your face” becuase you see the transformation happening. I am curious what my colleagues are thinking. But frankly I don;t give a damn.
Thank you my awesome folks. I love you all and I mean it! Frankly, I was so confused but I knew all along I had to tell someone.All you folks just gelled with what I felt and reaffirmed my position. So, I am sending out the email I had in draft for the last 2 days to the very first person I hung out with.
What I meant by that line was, wouldn’t you like to know what exactly you mean to people you know. Their reactions when you tell them will let you know exactly where you stand.
Glad to help!
I am Gay. But I am very much selective about whom I come out to. Not much out of social compulsion but more out of choice. Some of my very good friends don’t know about me Queerness and I prefer keeping it like that simply because I haven’t felt the need to. And at times I have come out to absolute strangers.
I am Gay. And its a part of me. But not the whole of me. As you mentioned people should like you for who you are and not who you sleep with or which organ you dangle down there.
So answering your question; you can be selective. And if they like you…they will like you. 😀 *what’s not to like!!* *eyes rolling*
@ Deeps: Happy it helped you. It will be super fun. Just go ahead and do the march. You will probably be amazad by the energy. Meanwhile, I will try to load some pics from the dykemarch last week.
@MJ: Pretty blunt (dangling?) , but well hey, thanks for all the nice words:)
For all our liberation and bonding, many queers still have trouble with Trans folk. However, it seems worth risking the “ick” of a few and present yourself honestly rather than staying hidden. It flies in the face of queer liberation and is more damaging over time.
hey, i did it :D… it feels so great. Being basically a reserved type, initially, I was confused but once my Humsafer activist friend was there, got relaxed and yes, it was an event worth taking a day off from work. it was my queer planned leave 😛
Couldnt really interact with others, but the atmosphere was so comforting, I relished it in my own way.
Really want to thank everyone who, directly or indirectly, contributed (knowingly, or unknowingly…like this post, like Vikram Doctor’s today’s article in ET..Out at Work…facebook pals, Azaad Bazaar…really..) in bringing a quiet queer out in open, atleast to attend such gathering extending their, if not loud, than silent support.
I shall remember this day for a very long time.