I have observed something (even in the Q community) – that when someone says they are “Queer”, people just assume they are “gay”. This was much more on my face and it reminded me starkly as I read the banner that was carried over by a Bisexual group in the parade – “Don’t assume anything!”. It was heart wrenching to see only ONE Bisexual group of about a dozen people walk by in a sea of 182 contingents during the parade – one that lasted just shy of 4 hours. For F*’s sake, there were more “straight for gays” groups than the B or the T. So what really makes the Bisexuals not come out and embrace the rest? Or is it just the numbers?
At a personal level, I have been curious to understand the dilemma faced by the Bi folks. In a world where heterosexual and monogamous relationships are considered the norm and sacred (albeit foolishly), I really would like to request those who are Bi leaning come out and talk about it, so we all can understand. I would like to understand their struggle in trying to cope up with the rest of the straight or the gay community. Do they feel a misfit at either ends? I have had people in the community tell me that they associate Bisexuality as being a wrapper for “a person not being able to accept their gayness completely”. I think this is total BS. I view Bisexuality as just a beautiful addition to the colorful spectrum of human sexuality.
Sometimes I have wondered- “If people are talking about natural attraction, Isn’t bisexuality the most plausible? If I find someone attractive, does it really matter what’s between their legs?”
Anyways, it all started with this article that I stumbled upon recently. [Link]
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For me, being bi is simultaneously amazing and really terrible.
In some ways, it’s nice, because, at least where I live, straight people tend to be more willing to accept someone who comes out as bi than someone who comes out as a lesbian. However, I feel like a lot of that “acceptance” comes from the idea of the “Katy Perry lesbian” – the girl who makes out with other girls just for the thrill, and therefore isn’t a “threat” to straight women. And from the fact that straight men are turned on by the idea of a bi woman, because they think bisexuality means a threesome, where both women are attending to him.
I think it’s been hard to deal with reactions from within the LGBT community. A lot of lesbians won’t date bi women because of the idea that bisexual girls are promiscuous, or just seeking a pastime while they look for another guy. There is also the idea, especially among my age group, that bi girls are LUG’s….Lesbians Until Graduation, that we get our kicks from women until we hit the “real world” and then adopt hetero identities. Which obviously isn’t true. Admittedly, I sometimes hope that whoever I want to spend my life with is a male, because it would make things a lot easier with my family, but I would never shack up with a dude just for his phallus. Bi, for me, doesn’t mean “choosing” – I can’t pick whether I want to be with a man or a woman, I am attracted to people, and gender doesn’t restrict me in going after the qualities of a person that I like.
I think the hardest thing about being bi is feeling like I have to justify it to people. People either think my liking women is “a phase”, or they think that I only like men because I “can’t accept” that I’m a lesbian.
The best thing? I can love whoever I want, and I can have fun with whatever comes in their pants
You’ve hit it right on. Being bisexual is not being gay in denial. It’s a wonderful appreciation of the human form and the human mind ,,, of both sexes. It’s not a pity party, and by my estimation, most bisexual men don’t care about the general consensus. They quietly go about their lives, often trying to deal with their sexuality from their own perspective. The dilemma a good number of bisexual married men have is that they often don’t fully discover their same-sex attraction until long after they’ve been married, a subject I deal with in my novel “Five Married Men.” The emotions and the conflicts can be quite intense, for wives, too, if she has been made aware of her husband’s sexuality.
I wrote a post nearly two weeks on how being bi sometimes scares the shit outta me. Most times its awesome, coz I can walk down a street an check everyone out, but then there’s time when I think to myself “wtf is up with me?” And then of course, there’s all those things miss zero said. And in India its soo, soo much worse.
I hate having to justify my sexuality to people. I have bets on with four or five friends on whether I’m going to hook up with a girl in the next twelve months or not. And once I’ve done that, there’ll be another bunch betting on me hooking up with a guy.
So all you 100% dykes out there, I wouldn’t dump you for a guy just because he has a dick. I’d dump you for him if I liked him more. But then, I might dump you for another girl just as easily. Does that make it easier for you?
I am a bi woman who is more comfortable with causal sex with men but relationships with women. I am currently trying to have a relationship with a strait man and I feel stifled. I’ve shared some aspects of my past with him, he knows I had a girlfriend for years, but he never asks, and the times he mentions something about being gay or bi it seems to make him uncomfortable. I highly doubt he’s ever dated a bi girl and he just doesn’t know what to do with me. Around him, I suddenly feel like the strait girl I was before I came out. I’ll never be fully strait, although I respect people’s choices, for me, it feels like being trapped. I wish more strait people could understand and respect our fluid freedom.
Hey Rashmi, I love that there was some Bi visibility at the parade you’re talking about. When India started having parades in the street there was no bi visibility to begin with. We took our rightful places and used our voices right after the 2nd of July court judgement – not because we were waiting for it… but that was around that time that I was fed up of being called a dyke and being told that I didn’t know it yet, but I was a lesbian. There were just two of us visible Bisexuals at that event – Ramki and me. No one even came near the Bi flag I had put up. My friends – gay men and lesbians, lovely people – kept their distance. It was daunting, but that’s where I met Sonal, who now is a vocal visible biactivist. Visibility is an important issue for bisexuals here, right now. The problem is – you can’t tell the difference between a lesbian, gay man, transperson, straight person from a bisexual person. So unless we’re out and talk about it – nobody can tell. What’s good now, is that we’re being visible, we’re starting to talk about it. At the last two Marches for Queer Rights in Pune and Mumbai – I had gay and straight friends walking with me, holding up the bi flag and we all demanded equal rights together. We were a small group that tends to get lost in a big crowd – but as long as we see each other, its good enough for me. We’ve come a long way from ‘not being seen or heard’. We also now have a group online thats called BOZ that’s the best place for Indian bisexuals. We now can see that we’re not alone!!!!
Initially, I got a lot of crap from people saying that I didn’t know what I identified as, but instead of doubting myself (which I have…) I’ve decided to speak up for my own rights to be the B in LGBT equally. And it has changed the environment in the LGBT support group here in Pune. I’d like to think that we’re a bit more bifriendly than most cities.
Studies show that 45% of the LGBT community is bisexual – those are american results, but I”m pretty sure we’d find a big percentage here too.
When it comes to relationships – personally monogamous and committed is what I want. It has frustrated me when a man I have dated has talked about threesomes, wants to know what two women do together and wonders if I’d cheat on him. Just one straight man I’ve been with has been almost completely comfortable with my orientation. With lesbians, well… when I start talking about kids they believe that I’m going to leave them for a hetero-normative life to have kids – which to any educated person is nonsense. With straight women, they wonder if I’m secretly in love with them, which is cute, funny, sometimes true and sometimes ridiculous. I’ve decided I’d be better of with another bisexual in a real relationship, man or woman… it doesn’t matter.
hey all, i agree with apphia’s and most of the other’s comments about relationships – most people who are not bi seem to find it difficult to be in a relationship with a bi. many lesbians are scared that they might be left for a guy – and i don’t get the difference why that would be any worse than being dumped for another woman!? – while straight men think about threesomes or that they could understand being dumped for a woman, since they themselves find women hot, and then they start being insecure which is also not very great for a relationship. sigh. so i guess it might be “easier” to be with someone else who is bi, but then we can’t really choose who we fall in love with, can we
apart from that, yes sometimes being bi is scary and difficult, but mainly it’s just so easy and beautiful: there are people in this world who i find hot and who i fall for, and i just don’t care about their genitals. yay!
this dearth of people from the bi community that we find is really severe. till date i only know myself n 2 men in the town that im residing in. & then again, no one is totally out for a discussion to be held on this subject.
i’m out to my entire immediate family & all those who matter most to me. the first conversation that i had wid mom (came out through a letter) lasted a few sentences (due to my nephews trooping in) but was really interesting. she wanted to know what i meant in the letter. told her that i’m interested in both genders. she wanted to know what i meant by saying ‘interested’. told her get turned on. what do u mean by ‘turned on’. ‘sexually aroused’. how can that be – when i look at a woman i’m not, so how can u be. i told her that’s why i was bi n she wasn’t. (mom is a gynecologist).
one of my mentors was quite disturbed when i came out to her. she spoke with her grand daughter, who is studying psychology. she then told me that if i settle down in life then all this will settle down & i’ll be back to ‘normal’. its amusing to hear something like this – they believe that once one is in a regular relationship, one won’t be attracted towards any other gender. LOL
its a long way towards opening peoples’ minds, removing the veil from before their eyes. however, the good thing is that we’ve at least begun
Rashmi, I believe you wanted to articulate the bi-invisibility in this OP. From my personal experience, from my little interaction in my current place and my university, i can only speculate as to why. My personal opinion is for most Bi or pan oriented individuals don’t consider their orientation as a primary core of their identity. we as humans have various identities, involving, profession, ethinicity, etc. I am sure gaysi contributors who live outside india can understand this concept. There are times where we are identified as indians and desis rather than anything else. and these various identities change and take precedence depending on location and situations. At university i am a indian girl that’s all, when i am with the lgb group at the univ my identity is Bi (and those who know me well know my past too). and when i attending support group meeting, i am trans then, when i am partying or attending concert i am in goth mode. and there have been times where i had to decide in CSD marches whether to stand as a bi with the queercampus or under the transflag. The few times i stood under the bi flag, all i can say is there are visible Bi’s and many turned out to show their support but unlike the other groups they didn’t stay long enough to march till the end. it was more like the Bi tent was filled with itinerant populations. I know my rant is by no means a complete picture neither did it provide the answer to the issue rashi highlighted but i hope my observations can throw some light on the issue posed.
I…
I really have no idea what it’s like /not/ to be bi. I absolutely know and understand that lots of people aren’t, but I can’t put myself in that position in a way that maybe a gay person could imagine being straight or a straight person could imagine being gay – I don’t have experience of what it’s like not to be attracted to someone simply on the grounds of their gender.
Of course, there are plenty of people I’m not attracted to, but it’s not because of their gender.
As others have said, a problem with representation of bi folks in the lesbian and gay communities or in the straight community is that unless we’re wearing purple hats and jumping up and down, we can be invisible in both those places. If I’m with a woman, I look lesbian (unless you ask me); if I’m with a man, I look straight (unless you ask me). Even if you ask me, there’s enough biphobia in the straight and lesbian/gay communities that a bi person might choose not to come out as bi.
So chances are that a fair few of the lesbian and gay people in your parade were bi, and you just couldn’t tell by looking.
(I just typed this response and then noticed your post is a couple of years old. Hope the new flurry of interest isn’t annoying.)
speaking as a dyke who is a activist for the bi community, the hatred for bisexuality in the GAY community is legion. It challenges the whole “born this way” idea.
I have known so many people who describe themselves as 100% gay who used to have relationships with the “other” gender. If you talk them about bisexuals they HATE bisexuals, in exactly the same way as you Homophobes are frightened of their internal feelings. I’ve even known people who have gone from het to homo to het and still describe themselves as 100% X at all times.
The real irony is that the original GAY rights movement was entirely inclusive of Bisexuals, whilst straight acting homosexuals abused the GAY rights movement for advertising being GAY and bring down the wrath of the police etc. i suspect that bisexuals started to be excluded when the straight actors, the gay in bar and bed, came ‘out’. I suspect newly ‘out’ switch their hatred for out gays to out Bi’s and Trans (Queens and Butch Dykes) and pushed for their exclusion. It’s about this time the Gay rights movement became the Lesbian and Gay rights movement and in the lesbian community we began the interscene fighting about who was a good lesbian and a bad lesbian mostly informed by heterosexual women who were ‘politically lesbian’ and who also hated bisexual women because they were ‘on the fence’.
I know tons of out bisexuals the problem is the assumptions of others, if they are a man and a woman they are assumed to be straight otherwise they are assumed to be gay.
I like to post more but I got to go, I’m sure lots of other bisexuals will happen along and make useful points,
I am a lesbian who has been in a number of relationships with bisexual women and I have never confused or conflated bisexuality with polyamory or promiscuity. Equating the two simply doesn’t make sense to me. The only time I get uncomfortable and feel a little insecure is when we are having sex and she says something like “oh, this feels just like a penis” — and I wonder, would she rather prefer a penis? … That has been my single point of discomfort and insecurity. Other than that, being with a bisexual woman has been marvelous!
I am bi, the relationships i have had with men ( well straight men) never really ended well. When i told a guy i was a bi. his first reaction was ” Shall we have a 3-some then”. And when i told a girl i have had relationships with men.. she called me a traitor and broke up with me.. Her exact words were ” You are faux-gay”
Even now.. i don’t get it. Why am i a faux? I prefer girls. But i do occasionally date a man.. My sexual attraction is more in the head than in the body. When i say this to people they call me Faux and few other names that are painful to recollect. When i dated a fellow bi she asked me make love to her like a man. When i confronted, she said she din’t mean it “that way”. either way, These things have left me scarred and well quite disturbed. On a cheery note it does have it perks and i get to match my straight friends and they get to do it too.