I’ve been wondering how to go about criticizing my family’s inability and unwillingness to discuss emotional topics, without playing on negative stereotypes about Asian parents being cold and pushy. I guess all I can do is emphasize that this is my personal experience and hope that readers don’t assume they can use my life experience to reinforce a stereotype.
In many ways I am thankful to have the family that I do. My father seems indifferent about who I date, and just doesn’t like to talk about feelings. However, although my mother wasn’t the most supportive person when I came out of the closet, I truly believe that she did her best considering her place in this world. She didn’t even consider disowning me, and I acknowledge that as a privilege because I have seen friends (desi and non-desi) struggle with the fear of being disowned for going against their parent’s wishes.
Despite her increasing willingness to at least talk about my sexuality (which is more than my father ever offered) I was hurt that she seemed to care more about what the Indian community would think than what I was feeling. However, I believe that she was genuinely trying to protect me from the Indian community and wasn’t punishing me on purpose. She has specifically shown to not be homophobic (or queerphobic) in other instances, and so I feel hopeful that she means well. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that she tried to normalize same-sex relationships during my childhood, but she has been accepting of her lesbian and gay friends, and despite her phase of being against gay-marriage, she now speaks up against homophobia when she sees it.
I feel as though my mother’s “unintentional homophobia” stems from coming from a generation and a family where arranged marriages were the norm; my mother really seems to believe that you can choose who you love. Personally, I’m sure you can learn to love someone, but if you’ve already fallen for someone then why should you have to learn to love someone else? I feel that although we have the power to choose a partner, we shouldn’t be expected to choose a love of convenience – is that even love?
It seemed like when I tried to come out to my mother, she thought I still needed to give men a chance, because my life would be easier if I did. But I wanted to exercise my choice and free will, and I don’t really see how “loving” a man solely to appease the Indian community is really a choice. Would my mother really rather I settle down with someone I do not love, than have to deal with a couple mean judgments from people who will never really love me anyway? I like to brag about how desis in the west know unconditional love like no other, because we have to support each other while our families are far away… but that is a lie if I cannot even be myself. That’s not unconditional love.
I am in love with a man and have been for two years, but it makes me queasy that my mother possibly thinks I am just with him for convenience.
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a lot of your mum sounds like my mum
but they come around it.
and a lot of you sounds like me 2 years back. That when i chose to turn the table and instead of expecting them to be interested in my life; i started sharing things with them. and when u share; you cause acceptance. unconditional acceptance
Ha! When I share with my parents they change the subject. Maybe I should try harder.
Great post, Anurag.
Anurag, Thank you for sharing.
I think esp. the question
“Would my mother really rather I settle down with someone I do not love, than have to deal with a couple mean judgments from people who will never really love me anyway?”
is something we would all like to have an answer to – or sometimes not!
Devil’s Advocate:
I wonder when they say they ‘understand’ if they do really. Like people of my parents generation(in their 60′s) can say they ‘understand’, but I know that they hope it goes away…Like there will be a miracle cure for a disease. The questions of ‘what is wrong with you, or what is wrong with men’ can still be there every week even when they ‘understand’.
So what I want to understand from all of you is ‘why should I inflict my sexual / romantic preferences’ on my parents? Its not that if they ‘understand’ I will share details with them? I date men and I don’t discuss any details with my parents or even make out with the guys at home(icky). I don’t need permission or approval or support. Is it that I don’t want to make creative excuses when I want to go to a gay party? Would my mum feel more threatened if I had a female partner than a male? Would I want my mum to laugh and hug me if i said”find me a girl from the ghats”? Would I do it to seek permission to hold hands with the person I love?
When do we stop seeking approval and permission? When do I stop being needy? When do I accept who I am and Live it- not seeking permission and approval to BE!!
You definitely can not make a generalized statement about all desi parents in their 60s, lol. Age does not equal a universal experience. But I know the conservative desi parents you speak of, it is them my parents wished to protect me from when I came out. In terms of when to stop seeking approval, I guess it depends on the specific child-parent relationship. I trust my parents more than a lot of my desi peers are able to, because my parents are progressive and did a lot of growing in an academic atmosphere in the UK… this allows them to understand me moreand for me to respect them more. Its ubfortunate that you are in a place where that doesn’t feel like a reasonable option. Maybe time will heal, or you can recreate your safe space with a chosen family.
Reading all of this makes me wonder how my mum would react to my sexual orientation. I’d always thought of her as someone non-judgmental, liberal, not shocked by anything and capable of unconditional love and acceptance, but I could be wrong. I’ve wanted to talk to her about so many things all these years, through traumatic times (not just in these matters) and fun times. I’ve wanted her to watch me grow up and become my own person, however quirky or unconventional. And to know that everything’s okay…
I’ve yearned to hear what she would say,
If she’d hold me close or turn away.
I’d want to meet her once again,
To tell her how it’s been until now, since then.
Alas, these words must stay in my head,
Till they find a way to bring back the dead.