The other night Ruswa and I were sitting at a pub, recruiting. Yes, recruiting. We, at Gaysi have chunky expansion plans and I would advise our Team members to get with it at the earliest. Please expect The To Do List in your mail box in the next 24 hours.
So there we were showcasing our popular traits; Ruswa and her Colgate smile, whereas yours truly was almost ready to dish out her gyaan on how to attract Quality women & Quantity women, depending on what one is running after. (Please Note: Gaysi recruiters are selfless creatures, who stop at nothing to accomplish their goals). Needless to say, in 30 minutes, our prospect was ready to have “Gaysi” tattooed on his forehead.
Once done with all recruiting formalities and reinforcement of our motto “At Gaysi we mean business”, we allowed ourselves to celebrate and bought our very young lad a couple of beers. Two pints down, we were buddies; we, the confident ones and he, the curious one. And then, Eureka! he popped a question worth mulling – “So when was your Awakening moment?”
When I look back, unlike many of my dyke friends, I can’t really pin-point that dramatic awakening moment. In fact I think I skipped it altogether. None of those daunting realizations “Damn, I Gay!” “Damn, what will Sarla Aunty think?” “Damn, I will be deep fried in Hell’s gigantic black pot” “Damn! Damn! Damn!” Nope, none of that. Now this is something I am not really proud of. I feel like I may have missed something so vital in living the Queer experience.
As a 13 year old who kissed a woman for the first time and from there on made gradual progression towards other aspects of physical intimacy, I think of my awakening experience more of an easy breezy one. The realizations here were not just hormonal, but also glittering with a certain feel good factor – “Damn, women are hot!” “Damn, women taste yummy!” “Damn, I like this!” “Damn, I want more!” “Damn! Damn! Damn!”
Even as a grown up, the realization process hasn’t stopped. Every time I come out to a stranger, every time I write a post, every time I read a Queer story, even every time I flirt with a woman! – I become aware of this confident person living inside. This sexually confident woman happy to love another.
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Damn! MJ can still write
As a gay wee one, I can’t say I had an awakening moment either. Like so many others, I didn’t know the term for it, I didn’t know what I was to face – but I knew I was different. When I was younger, women were a discovery – a pleasant, delicious discovery. The older I become, the more I started thinking about coming out to those close to me and it took away some of that ‘feel good factor’ – I searched for reasons, answers, offense/defense – all to fortify my existence.
But Oh well! Women are still amazing. All of them.
Ya, thankfully the writing mojo is getting back in groove. Me need me a muse. I think. And I agree, women are amazing. Even the crazy loony ones.
For me, the hardest part was not the realisation that I was gay, but the realisation that I would have to get divorced!
But once I did take a step towards that, all my deep-seated self loathing homophobia started to surface in ways that I didn’t even realise.
I’d go with what you have to say MJ.. totally agree. I do have a colgate smile.
i’m still realising I like women.. realising the importance of labels, resisting them … being in love with a woman… losing myself in the thought of her… only her… seeing the larger picture… i wonder if this makes any sense. my lips are firmly pursed.
Irrespective of what the rumours I find MJ to be a sweetheart. And honey I taste tummy too.
i was never sure. how was i to know ? in college i was in love with someone i was not attracted to and attracted to someone i was not in love with.
but thankfully, it hit me hard at the age of 21
and now i have met someone i’m greatly attracted to and totally in love with.
when i wake up every morning and still find myself crazy about my baby and feeling super awesome for having one more day to love her. and realizing that it is not a phase… it is me. a woman who loves women. this is my awakening.
This is not awakening…this is being a romantic fool. But then it totally suits you. And she better we worth it.
Wow first time here and this place is fantastic. Some years ago who would have thought of having our very own lezzi adda.
And MJ, heard a lot about you sweetie
Welcome!
I get asked about that often too.. and even I can’t remember a specific awakening ‘eureka’ moment. I knew I liked women and had crushes on them since the age of 11 maybe, yet it was not a bothering factor for a long time – in the sense that when one realises that this is out of the ordinary and starts harbouring doubts/guilt. I guess when it came to facing the pressure of getting married, is when I had to label it, confront it. And initially I tried to tell myself I’m bi.. it feels safer no..? Yet today I feel a reluctance to label myself.
Btw..MJ do dish out your gyan for us as well.. about attracting women in Quality and Quantity. The gaysi junta could benefit greatly..
I understand the “self guilt” bit. I guess one simply gets bogged down with family and societal pressure, that you just want to get down with things even if it were for the heck of it. But staying strong, as cliched as it may sound should be the only available option.
As for the gyaan, it don’t come for free. Imagine the hard work put in. A post in return for valuable tips, lets barter shall we?