This past weekend, my cousin called and invited me over for dinner. She knows I’m gay & has met The Girl. Since coming back from Canada this was going to be the first time I was going to meet her & I kept looking for hints in the conversation we had, where she was inviting me over, to figure out whether she was also inviting The Girl. Sadly, she kept saying, ‘Are YOU free?’ or ‘What time can YOU come over?’ (The emphasis is mine.)
A couple of my uncles & aunts and another cousin was going to be there as well. After we agreed on a time & I hung up, I told The Girl that I had been invited & she asked if she was invited too. I said ‘I don’t think so.’
For the next hour I tortured both of us over why my cousin hadn’t invited her. She had been very accepting of me when I had come out & had been very supportive too. Finally, I blurted out to The Girl – ‘I wish I wasn’t gay.’
‘Are you kidding?!’, she asked. ‘It’s fabulous to be gay!’
‘I don’t think so. I have to tiptoe around my family, we have to spend thousands of pounds to have a baby, we have so many immigration problems. It’s tiring.’
This round of self pity did not go down well with The Girl. She told me that what I was saying was hurtful and insulting to her and that I should stop.
Later that evening, as soon as I walked into my cousin’s place, her first question was – ‘You came alone?’.
‘Well, you didn’t invite The Girl.’
‘I wanted to leave it up to you.’
‘To be honest, I felt bad that you didn’t invite her.’
‘There were so many other relatives that I thought you should decide.’
Now I know that’s a perfectly valid explanation, but if my partner were a man the invitation would not have been explicit. I’m probably being oversensitive, but I wish she hadn’t left it up to me or that she had at least said to me that I should bring The Girl if we were comfortable being around other relatives.
Maybe the next time, I should stop trying to search for clues & just ask if the invitation is for both of us.
Broom – This is such a relevant dilemma that LGBT couples face everyday and I’m glad you brought it up. In the past few months, simple to sate my own curiosity I researched ‘heterosexism’ and one of the things I chanced upon in the ‘Journal of Lesbian Studies’ ( Yep, we should all have subscriptions – put it on the gaysi account
) is a study that looked at heterosexism faced by LGBT couples during family rituals such as weddings. And one of the categories where heterosexism was faced was ‘invitations’ – its never very clear or its openly hostile towards LGBT partners. But it gets better… to quote the study:
Barbara Greene and her partner attended a wedding together after they had broken up just because both their names were on the invitation.
Having her relationship validated on an invitation by family members was so
important that Debbie Miller, who has attended more than 25 family wed-
dings, “saved every envelope that says ‘Debbie Miller and guest’.”
(Oswald, 2003)
I wish the universe would understand that LGBT individuals want the same things, its just who they want them with which isn’t the same. Thanks for sharing and hope you are out of the doghouse with TG
Ah! TG is one of those rare women that rarely stays mad for anymore than 2 minutes. And when she does, all I have to do is hug her & she melts.
I will totally be looking up the ‘Journal of Lesbian Studies’!
As hard as it is to ask, I think that asking probably works best.
Whenever certain groups of friends ask me out to stuff, I always ask if my gf is included. It definitely makes for some difficult moments if they say “um, not really”, but I also know that sometimes my friends are trying to protect me from awkwardness (like when we hang out with this one particularly conservative friend who I’m not out to), and sometimes it’s just not a couple-y kind of hang-out. Of course, it can be different with family, but I think sometimes its better to ask than worry that perhaps the exclusion is a reflection of how that individual views your relationship. Because that sucks. And if someone disapproves of my relationship, I’d rather know that upfront, you know? Even though it hurts, I’d rather be aware of it than waste my time worrying about whether my being happy is bothering someone else.
I hope TG doesn’t stay harrumphed for too long! I get what she’s saying, but of course, I also have the desi side of it. I’m proud of you for contemplating taking her to a family gathering, and for being out to even one non-parental member of the fam – that’s a big deal!
I know what you mean. I’d rather know upfront as well, but I also would be so hurt that I don’t want to know. Argh!!
This was very interesting. What miss zero pointed out reminded me of something I’ve heard about, but haven’t yet got around to checking out myself. The entire notion of coming out, or being ‘out’ to people and the whole metaphor of the closet has a lot to answer for. It says a lot about the place an individual is forced to find/search for in a society which often takes for granted heteronormativity, where I have to brace myself and risk quite a lot of I am to tell anyone around about my sexual preference. On the other hand, in a context in which sharing that kind of personal knowledge is not seen as ‘coming out,’ but as ‘letting in’, the entire process might be made slightly easier. It simply values more the personal space of the individual and privileges her right to construct that space and choose the people and institutions it allows in. And that’s quite a reversal.
On a lighter note, a colleague of mine got married a while back. While she was planning her wedding, I was going through the first stages of a new relationship I was pretty happy with so I mentioned to this colleague that I was seeing someone. It turns out, the wedding invite she gave me was for two people: for my partner and I. The temptation was huge. I played and replayed it in my mind, the sheer look of horror we would have got. Finally, I didn’t make it to the wedding, so it didn’t matter much, but it was well worth picturing it in my head.
I love this thing of ‘letting in’ rather than ‘coming out’. What a wonderful perspective! Thanks MadCatter!
@madcatter: I get the concept of letting in, and it’s an interesting take. in fact that’s exactly how i view my “outing” process. but i’ve realised that it also involves being prejudiced and overcoming it. that’s a conundrum i’ve experienced – how to fight against prejudices, and at the same time, rid myself of mine.
@broom: I face that all the time! I’m never invited to my partner’s family dinners although I get along well with her sibling. It used to hurt at first, and I used to expect my partner to not attend them either, in protest. Then I wisened up and told myself it doesn’t matter. I wasn’t being fair on her either – they are her family after all. I guess there are some things that you just have to bide your time about, but if it really irks you, you could just take TG along and not bother about the reactions. (i know, i know, easier said than done).
a lot of times, i agree with ms zero, it has to be about asking upfront and being very direct about things. i’ve realised, you can’t work on assumptions because those are stemming from our prejudices. and you can’t be too sensitive about rejections either. at the end of the day for me, what matters is the fact that i love my partner and that she’s in my life. If her mum doesn’t want me to attend a dinner, does that really matter?
It matters and it doesn’t. It matters because it makes me feel like I am part of the family. And it doesn’t because if they don’t include me or my partner then we’ll still be fine & we’ll still have each other.