Sex Ain’t Like The Movies!

I have read a bit of Sister Toldja’s rad sex column and sex advice but she mostly just compares black women’s sex lives to white women’s, and obviously that racial binary is not all-encompassing.

So, as QC has mentioned before, us desis can get a little hush-hush when it comes to mas-tur-bay-shun. And I can personally attest to this because this lack of open-communication about sex within the desi community has definitely affected my sex life, especially with my experience with a woman. Plus, I didn’t have my first orgasm until I was 19, and maybe that is not shocking but my white friends definitely thought it was!

I have read a bit of Sister Toldja’s rad sex column and sex advice but she mostly just compares black women’s sex lives to white women’s, and obviously that racial binary is not all-encompassing.

So, as QC has mentioned before, us desis can get a little hush-hush when it comes to mas-tur-bay-shun.  And I can personally attest to this because this lack of open-communication about sex within the desi community has definitely affected my sex life, especially with my experience with a woman.  Plus, I didn’t have my first orgasm until I was 19, and maybe that is not shocking but my white friends definitely thought it was!

As I mentioned in my previous piece, Brainstorming My Body-Image, I’ve had some trivial and not-so trivial trials with my body, men, women and sex.  And after watching the film “For Colored Girls” I had to confront something else I experienced at the beginning of a serious relationship, and that was date rape.

Now I get scared every time my partner starts unbuttoning his shirt just to get into his pajamas, I make him change clothes in the bathroom!  Well, like I mentioned in Brainstorming My Body-Image, my PTSD-like symptoms make sex and orgasms difficult, but my resent issue has been stagnation!

Anyway, when I finally met my current partner I put a lot of effort into explaining to him why it is important for my first time with him to be special and all that.  I got the guts to explain why foreplay and open communication really matters…  and why spirituality is a part of my sexuality, but colonization, exoticism and objectification have made that so, so, so difficult!

Also, as a queer woman mostly attracted to women, I find it really difficult being intimate with a man.  Maybe it’s that I find it hard to trust a man, or maybe that is just over-analyzing.  Anyway, regardless of that whole him-being-a-man and me-being-a-queer-woman complication, since I’ve been with this man for such a long time, things have kind of cooled down which is pretty normal for most relationships after a certain point.

As you may know from previous posts, my partner has a son, and this has all kinds of repercussions that affect our sex life, which I will kindly describe with the help of this clip from The L WordMama B & Mama T Visit a Sex Therapist!

So what do you all think?  There are so many factors to this complicated situation, I know, but any advice?

About the author

Anurag

Anurag is a queer, feminist, social worker-to-be. Currently residing in the cornfields of Illinois.  Fierce, emotional and reclaiming the brown-ness.