Self-Hate : Part 2

As I have been juggling 5 different medications for my epilepsy I have been lifeless, friendless, and loveless. As I have stopped eating I have lost weight and I have been secretly excited about it. Who is this that is excited about being skinny again? I thought I was that fat-positive queer, feminist. Where has she gone?

I never thought it would come to this but recently I have found myself wishing I were someone else, someone who was straight.  I wish I could relate to the world, to my friends, and to my family in a way that straight people can.  I wish I didn’t always have to explain myself, hide myself, and figure out if I can trust people.  I wish I wouldn’t so easily be let down and disappointed.  I wish I could feel satisfied with my perfect partner who just happens to be a white male.

As I have been juggling 5 different medications for my epilepsy I have been lifeless, friendless, and loveless.  As I have stopped eating I have lost weight and I have been secretly excited about it.  Who is this that is excited about being skinny again?  I thought I was that fat-positive queer, feminist.  Where has she gone?  Now she wants to go back in the closet again and come out as a skinny, straight girl.  I need my friends to talk to about this, but I don’t have any trusted ones in this new college town I’m trying to settle into.

Again I ask myself, why are so many of our youth committing suicide?  It doesn’t surprise me anymore.  Even adults in our community are losing hope.  Initially I was pissed off when I saw a white man make an “It Doesn’t Get Better” youtube video right after the suicides of queer youth.  I’m not even going to post the link because I think it is hurtful and unproductive.  However, here is an article by Jasbir Puar that I understood more.

In the wake of It Gets Better

Sometimes for us it doesn’t get better, but I have been pretending, and for a long while I almost had myself convinced that I was happy and strong.  I even convinced myself that I loved myself, and yes it was good for me but I was lying and it caught up with me.  In terms of my going back in the closet, I know I can’t do it.  I am too far from the closet.  I am going to be a social worker and my goal is to better the world and I need to be a role model.  However, I don’t know where to go from here and I need help that a straight or white therapist can’t give me.

About the author

Anurag

Anurag is a queer, feminist, social worker-to-be. Currently residing in the cornfields of Illinois.  Fierce, emotional and reclaiming the brown-ness.