For past few days or rather weeks, I was kind of in the trouble with myself….. and the name of my blog where i generally write justifies the meaning-”Me against Myself”
I m not thinking of quitting blogging or writing but yes there were times when i wanted to write but my fingers just didn’t wanna do it.. they crampled over the keyboard… begging me to stop… and just do nothing..
Past few months were aberrantly torrid at many levels, relationships, health and my writings- an inseparable part of me which suffered the most. ..
Most blunders are my own doing.. I make wrong decisions, trust perverts and by the end of it all I blame my own self for no real fault of mine..
I think I have reached the dead end… Cul-de-sac… wherein nothing remained as it was.. back in those days… when I knew how to smile..
how to love.. how to live…..
I know i have betrayed myself… given up my dreams of being something that i loved… something that would have given me pleasure…… I was on the verge of nervous breakdown lately…. but I can’t help myself… I can’t change myself… I am what I am…. but i shan’t continue in the same vein..
I have got to change.. or the life will change me.. forever!
In the nights that followed, the wind, the stars….. into the unknown,
I tried getting rid of my loneliness by hugging my so called teddy bears.. but they kept laughing at me, like my loved ones do now….
Then the safest place in cosmos seemed beside my dad. I used to hug him and sleep. I felt safe with his heart beating beneath my ear. In one of those nights my dad woke up around 2 am all in sweat.. breathing heavily. The horror I felt then can not be described. .. all I could do was scream .. and then he hugged me tight and whispered – nothing could happen to him coz he can not leave me alone in this world..
I knew it was ‘coz of me. .. I know that my dad and mom knows about me.. they want to talk to me now.. or later… but somehow it is just not going to happen.. I know!
I sometimes think that, I had no right to make my aging parents suffer beyond this.. I have no one beside them, they have no one beside me,how could god do this to me! and to my parents! and to himself after all we are a part of him….. Yes. we all are…
I told myself thousand times; I’m lucky, I’m blessed, I’ve the most amazing parents in the world who love and support me despite all my follies.. but what have I done for them?
If I could give them one moment of pride.. only one moment of happiness.. for having and raising a son like me, a constant source of trouble, a gullible fool, an eternal loser.. and yet they never utter single complain ..
Yes, whatever has happened to me is worse than what can happen to most individuals. No dignified person could treat a fellow human in the manner I was trampled over. The details of agony shall never be conveyed to another living soul. It shall die with me. I know that in this world of mortals there is no justice but if there is a realm beyond death .. I shall have my justice..
I am happy. I can hold my head high and forgive all those who can never look into my eyes again .. God bless them .. even they know that life and death eventually gets us all .. I can forgive I can never forget..
The kind of experiences I’ve had, if my sanity is intact its ‘coz a grander or bleaker destiny awaits me and I am prepared for both.
yes i forgive all.. i leave it on the destiny…. I shall live and forgive but I will never forget… I have changed now………..FOREVER !