I guess I always knew I was different from other boys, I just don’t know why I felt different. My earliest crush on a guy was in my first year of high school I was 12. I remember thinking about this guy all the time and fantasizing about him when I got home after school and at night. I didn’t think too much of it back then, although I am pretty sure I thought there was something odd, this was partly because I knew that I couldn’t tell anyone and I didn’t, particularly not my parents. Not that if I liked a girl I would told my parents, that’s just not something you did in an orthodox South Indian Brahmin family, life as a pre-teen was completely geared towards getting good marks in school and for me anyway learning classical Carnatic music. In addition to that my other hobbies included, memorizing all the world capitals, countries and flags and music in general.
Other than that one crush early on, I did not have any other interest in boys for the rest of high school, however I did find myself attracted to the male models in fashion catalogues and underwear ads. As it happens in high school at some point nearly everyone you know starts pairing up, everyone starts dating and here I was thinking why am I not interested in dating a girl. I hid behind my conservative Indian heritage which prevented me from dating and the fact that most of my guy friends were geeks who had little interest in girls anyway and were more interested in programming or science like me.
Towards the end of high school, I knew that there was something different about me and I was scared that I actually might be gay, but the problem was I was still attracted to girls, so that was a relief to me that maybe I was bi-sexual and that I could still get married in the traditional sense and have a family. However, as it always goes my attraction towards girls began to wane just as my attraction go guys intensified, I tried as hard as I could to sweep this attraction under the carpet and part of me was hoping that it was a ‘phase’.
I desperately clung on this even though all evidence pointed to the contrary and finally at ripe old age of 20 I told myself look this is not going to change you are clearly gay; at which I came out to all my close friends and my younger sister many of whom already guessed this and weren’t really surprised and everyone was fully supportive. My sister’s reaction worried me the most, the night I told her she did not sleep and cried for a large part of it, her worry was also my biggest worry what would my parents say and do? This was the main reason for my continuing mental torment which continued for another good 4 years or so. I finally got the courage and knew it was time (in face of many marriage proposals that were coming my way) and told my parents. I was surprised by their reaction, which not adverse in any manner, disappointment yes, a lot of questions followed yes, but nothing like what I had imagined in my head. That was over a year ago now, and my parents are coming to terms with it still, but have definitely accepted it and know that it is something I can’t change and understand that I am same person as I always was. Since telling my parents I have been on the gay dating scene, which I have to say is just as complex, if not more than the straight dating scene. That however, is a story for another day.
Congrats for coming out to your family. I am glad it went well. Good luck with your personal endeavors
Thanks for sharing your coming out story. It’s very touching and inspirational. Wish you the best.
Why did you have to be a brahmin? Jeez! You queer Brams
Hehe kidding! Two thumbs up. I am happy everything worked out great for you Mr.Down Under. I find coming out to oneself is more liberating than almost anything else (apart from food perhaps) in the world. Kudos to you!
Thanks guys
and Rashmi… yeah there is something about all these queer brahmins he he. 
Down Under Gaysi.
Hi Nitin,
I come from a background not very different from yours.
However, my situation is probably more complicated.
Would it be possible for me to drop you an email sometime to just ask you some questions to figure out some stuff?
Please send me an email if possible: quixoticworld at gmail dot com
Regards,
Q
Very inspiring and genuine story speaks largely of all the feelings every gay Indian guy will experience in a cultured family and sesaoned society.
Am not out. But like you said most of my friends wont be surprised if i came out i guess. I dont know i have attraction to girls too. I feel i could be a bisexual. Like you pointed out gay dating scene is tough. Also, since its ingrained from childhood that a happy family should have a women and a man. I feel two men can never make the warth and presense of a mother a female, also presence of a female in home will have a different vibe.
I see no promise or future in coming out. Indian society has thrived for thousands of years surely gays were there then and now. Surely ancient family accepted them, but there was no two male relationship in history. So, i say unless one is effeminate one should try and get married if he/she is bisexual. I feel sexuality is not strictly black and white. Its fluid and it keeps changing.
Although it’s wonderful that you’ve come out I am disturbed by the fact that the word Brahmin has been highlighted in your post. I mean you’re a gay boy. That should have been sufficient.
I don’t think coming out of the closet is experienced differently for different caste/lingustic communities. I just think a public forum like gaysi should have atleast edited this article before it went up.
Does the title imply that if I am not a Brahmin I shouldn’t read it?
@ Ajay : Please do refer to my reply to Jan Deo below.
Also I would like to mention here is the sole reason for starting Gaysi was the lack of Being An Indian Queer related content. We wanted to share, read, hear stories from Indian Queers. Be it from Indians in India, NRIs, North of India, South of India, West of India, Corporate India, Service Indian, Business India, Rich India, Poor India, Aam Admi India
surely you get my point.
We needed the above in order to relate. Relate to the individual narrating their experience, relate to the experience, relate to their background.
For instance : If I write my coming out story with the title “Coming out of A Bengali woman”….it is not with the intention of excluding the Non-Bengali, it is in fact my emotional journey of coming out in a Bengali setting. Perhaps my upbringing in a Bengali household had a role to play in my staying in the closet. In my hesitance in accepting myself. Would you still hold me guilty for mentioning the word Bengali in my narration?
We all know being Queer in India is not easy. We are all aware of the emotional roller-coaster one goes through for acceptance. In return one only asks for understanding and some compassion. Not scrutinization of their every stated word.
Why the need to highlight that you’re a brahmin? Not like coming out is any easier for anyone else. Nor are parents/families from other castes more broadminded.
Jane Deo : Apologies in advance in case I once again say something that may perhaps annoy you.
Using the word “Brahmin” is no offence. Neither has the author in his post offended any individuals from the mentioned community nor spoken ill of members from other communities. The author has only putforth his experience in relation to the background he belongs to. Aka. his caste; Brahmin. As a third person perhaps we may not see the relevance of it with one’s coming out experience BUT to the person narrating his/her journey it may be an intimate matter.
If you find the usage of word “Brahmin” offensive or unnecessary….then maybe tomorrow the usage of the word “Gaysi” could very well be termed offensive since we are being inclusive of only “Desi” Queers….I mean we could just say we are Gay…do we have to mention we are Indian Queers or South Asian Queers?
Sometimes one need’s to take things at face value, trust in another’s words and just that. Tolerance is what we talk about, right?
It was nice to read your ‘coming out’ story – I am sure you must be feeling a sense of relief that you have finally ‘come out’!
I am also from a South Indian brahmin Iyer family (TamBrahm!) but in my case I left my family for studies when I was 19 and never got to stay with my family for the next 20+ years. I did not feel the “need” for sex during those years (it may sound strange!) when I was living with a few boys in a kind of guest house. Slowly all of the boys got married and went away. I thought that was the only way open to me too! I never got an opportunity to discuss about sex with anyone.
So at a ‘ripe’ age of 39 I got married (my parents had already passed away by then!) and one year later had a son too. As years passed by going by what people say on the internet and the coming out stories, I realize that I made a big mistake. I spoiled not just my life, but also my wife’s and my son’s in a way. Now I am stuck and “coming out” is not an option for me at this stage in my life – I am 52 now!
I fee happy that people like you are able to discover themselves better and faster than I did!! All my best wishes to all of you there!!