As a little child, I spent many hours in front of the mirror imitating my mom. Wearing her saree – big bindi – and then of course the earrings and the stilettos.
Rebellious teen years were spent pulling out my entire wardrobe, only to then dress up in dad’s boring striped shirts and fitted jeans.
A full wall-to-wall mirror in my engineering days made the first time I wore a salwar kurta almost a Yash Chopra canvas… The silver bangles, the long dupatta, the almost see through kurta… And the day I fell in love, I felt like Sridevi in Lamhe’s song – Meri Bindiya.
The mirror is an integral part of the femininity in me. Always was.
The time I spent in front of it varied… Depending on how good I was feeling. How much reassurance I needed…. How much of a woman I was getting dressed up. The pleasure of standing in front of the mirror was almost incomparable like chocolate is!
Three years ago, when I discovered/figured/realized I liked women – my equation with the mirror just took a nosedive. I almost refused to stand in front of it. I dressed in shirts/trousers that hid my femininity as much as possible. There were days, I couldn’t remember what I looked like… My love for earrings almost disappeared and so did peering at the mirror.
It took my falling in love with my first girlfriend reinstated my love for the mirror. N, for the most part, loved to see me in Indian clothing. Diaphanous dupattas, short kurtas, churidars and earrings – I did the whole wife thing for her… And even though I didn’t spend much time in front of the mirror, I enjoyed it all.
The mirror off late, says I’ve changed. I am not putting out a ‘give me attention’ vibe! At least not from the men(thank god!) .It’s also changing me – my face, my jawline, my eyes – the me inside! There are days, I don’t feel so feminine. There are days I wonder, why a yellow dupatta that looked perfect on me – just doesn’t feel right. There are days, when I love what I see… and there are others when I am ambivalent. There are days, I am happy with what peers back and I identify with it… And there are some moments, when I wonder who’s looking back at me?
I am hopeful, there will be a day soon – when I will love my reflection – without a doubt and without any question. I am hopeful… After all, its been my child hood companion and I may have outgrown it – but I hope to make peace with it, once again!