I have forever been interested in the complex dynamics of relationships – all that goes on behind the spoken words, beneath surface appearances, beyond logic and reason, beyond norms and etiquette. What fascinates me more is the unwritten codes by which we put our relationships into neat little bins, with neat labels… and how sometimes, unexpectedly, the bins topple over and the labels get mixed up. And how sometimes, we really want that to happen.
There’s one kind of attraction that often happens with complete strangers – someone in a movie hall, or in a restaurant, or at a party, or someone exotic and inherently sexy (like Salma Hayek maybe?). But what I find far more intriguing is the kind of attraction that wasn’t supposed to happen – like when you suddenly find yourself attracted to someone you were just friends with.
I’m thinking of the women who were a part of my life at different times, women of all ages, from different backgrounds, in different circumstances. With each one it was a unique journey on a different road, but when I look back, I see that the milestones were probably the same. We started as acquaintances – bumping into each other sometimes, calling each other for some bit of information sometimes, sharing a ride sometimes, meeting for coffee sometimes – doing all the normal acquaintance-y things that people do.
And then we moved on to things that friends do – spending the days over, and then the nights; sharing stories, then confidences, then dreams and fears; meeting other friends, and meeting families; expecting updates and reports, then demanding them when they’re not volunteered; adjusting time zones to redefine ‘early’ and ‘late’ and watching ‘acceptable’ and ‘unacceptable’ take on different meanings. In the natural progression, it all gets more personal, more involved. Time is shared. Familiarity grows. Affection is expressed. Concern is felt.
And then sometimes, without a one-ahead warning, attraction just happens. It’s as if the ground shifts imperceptibly beneath our feet and suddenly it’s the same people, and we’re still walking, but the road – the road has changed. It’s suddenly more complex, and more subtle. Trust develops. Care is taken. Expectations edge their way in. Intimacy is sought. Want becomes need. Hope takes flight. Something undefinable changes, forever. And though it’s happened more than once, and at close quarters (clearly in my line of sight and within earshot) – I’ve never quite been able to catch those precise moments when, behind the sluice gates of my mind and in the little folds of my imagination, friends become lovers.
That moment when a passing peck on the cheek makes your stomach lurch and your heart stop.
That moment when you find yourself looking deeper and longer into those eyes, willing them not to turn away.
That moment when you find that the three words you most desperately want to hear are as innocuous as “I’ll call you”.
That moment when the end of another regular see-you-later hug leaves you strangely hollow and empty.
That moment when sharing a bed become an excruciatingly exciting ordeal.
That moment when sleepovers become sleepless nights, and sleepless nights become brittle mornings.
That moment when you catch yourself looking past the new earrings at the unattainable earlobes they cling to.
That moment when you become reckless enough to risk that one kiss, that one deliberate, intimate touch.
That moment when you are about to scale the wall that separates friends from lovers.
These are moments of consuming and undiluted intensity – when your consciousness is taken over by unreason and all that matters is the possibility of the next word, the next move, the tiniest sign of intent, or the least hint of realization from the other. It feels strangely natural yet unacceptable, vital yet forbidden all at the same time. Sometimes there appears to be a vague possibility of reciprocation, but it could well be an over-active imagination or wishful thinking. By coming clean, you risk losing her friendship. By keeping mum, you risk losing your sanity.
So, what do you do at these life-changing moments: hold back and swallow the urge or brush fear aside and lay it all on the table? Is it better to take that chance and find out once and for all, rather than suffer this delicious agony? Or is it wiser to put these errant feelings away in a box with no label, under an empty bed on another planet, and let friends be friends?
The last. I would say, pick the last option. Unless the friend knows your preferences. In which case, talking about it really helps. And you’re right. You can never tell when it all changes. The one good thing is that, just like it changes the first time, it can change a second time as well and very often, it does too. You outgrow your crush that stems from knowing someone really well.
Yeah, that would be something, right? To totally crush on a friend and then get uncrushed. I’m always tempted to be fairly direct and just say it like it is, but as you rightly said, a lot would depend on if I’m out to that person or not, and he kind of vibes I get at times, and also how open/mature she is. I also feel that if coming clean does destroy the friendship, then maybe it wasn’t such a great relationship to begin with? Hard to generalise, I know. Hmm…
I learnt the hard way that maybe it’s better to hold your tongue. Cuz a lot of those straight women end up teasing you a lot. They just can’t help it. Everybody likes the attention.
Zee,
While I agree with attraction, I also believe what a straight friend of mine said… We all know when friends will just be friends and we all know when they are potential lovers/girlfriends/forever partners/Fbuddies.
We may pretend not to know, but the first time we meet anyone — we have already slotted them — be it striaght or not. I believe it.
I can’t remember any person I met — and I didn’t know which space of my head/heart/lust-o-meter they occupied. In some cases, I’ve been walking towards a potential date and knew that things would get serious.
We always know. Then how long we take to discover it is quite simply a story of how much drama we like in our life:)
See that’s what I’m kinda not sure about Tappy. After the inital impression and getting to know someone better, things can change – I might initially be very attracted to someone on account of qualities or behaviour that appear exciting at first glance, and on closer observation it might not look so exciting anymore, as you delve deeper. And vice versa. I’ve seen that happen with me. But maybe you’re right too. Maybe I have already slotted people in my mind – especially friends to whom I’m clearly not attracted.
The lines that describe those game changing moments are pure poetry! Beautiful!
Thanks Shri!
Been there Ms Z. And despite the agony, it is a wonderful experience, because that’s essentially what Love is… its wonderful despite the odds.
I have to agree with you on this S. More likely than not I’d take the risk, rather than suffer the agony of not just not knowing, but also the discomfort being inauthentic, especially with a close friend. It’s a big opportunity for discovery and growth methinks.
Once the spell has been cast you have to let it take over. It’s a gets inside you and rips you apart pain but you discover a universe of joy within.
But then of course you have to wake up, smell the rotten coffee, make peace with the boundaries that weren’t meant to be crossed and live to love another.
I guess that’s true… it’s amazing, the things we put ourselves through for love. It’s quite an awesome journey each time.
I know of a certain adorable genius, let’s just call her Hamlet, who once said, “Emotions are mere chemical reactions, yet, we are all slaved to them. Funny isn’t it.” =)
I know exactly what you’re talking about. The reason I’m with my partner and have been for 5 years is because I expressed how I felt and thankfully the feelings were reciprocated!
In general, I’d say – express your love. Life is too short to have too many ‘what if…’ moments.
I hear you Broom! *Like* I’m definitely in favour of expressing my love. Have always done so in the past, directly or indirectly, but clearly enough to elicit a response, and in some cases I have lost friends. In others, I have realised it won’t go anywhere and have decided to back off and rejig my love in the interest of friendship. But I totally agree that life is to short for ‘what ifs’. I know that only too well. It’s great to know you took the chance and found true love! Yay for you!!
Once sure, for better or worse, I have always felt it better to be outspoken and share what is on my mind. Irrespective of the result, at least I know I went where my heart wanted to and I tried without giving up. I have always believed when I do not try, I have no chances of succeeding and of course it will result in failures and it will not always be my fault. But that is how I perceive life – full of surprises and sometimes I surprise myself.
Imagine!, in this case, meeting this person every day for the next few weeks with feelings hidden inside. That’s just torture. The relationship then becomes just superficial.
Oh! one more thing…
It reminds me of my fav coldplay song ‘Fix You’ where it goes like “if you never try, you will never know”.
And statistically speaking, it improves one’s chance with strategising for the next person
And one more line from ‘scrubs’ , ‘The good things in life don’t come easy’…
so the failure the first few times in always worth the effort and if it comes at the cost of speaking out, so be it!
“Fix You”… good choice rashmi !