That’s what I have always called myself. And yes, I have been. Brutally honest. Always. With myself and with everyone around. I don’t like to lie. But now I do. Lie, that is. I still don’t like it.
It changed three years ago when I fell in love with a woman. I wanted to scream and tell the world. “I am finally in love.” Finally, I understand. At that point in my life, I had started to believe that I was incapable of being in love. I didn’t know that I was trying my luck with the wrong gender. So I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to put it on the Facebook, Orkut, Twitter, my Blog. Everywhere. Hey, I was in love.
But, of course, I couldn’t. I was now a lesbian. I had to hide the fact that I was one. I had to hide that I was in love. I survived that first wall.
I did tell my best friend. Her reaction was: “But that’s not natural. You should find a guy and have sex with him. That will cure you!” No, we are not friends anymore.
I told my therapist (I live in US). The doctor you pay to listen to you. His reaction to my emotion that long distance relationships are hard (we are in a long distance relationship): “Oh yeah, you have to deal with two PMSes.” No, I don’t see him anymore.
I haven’t told anyone else. Oh well, not about being a lesbian anyway. My work colleagues know of “my fiancé”. I had to tell them because I want to move to Europe to be with her. The only way I could get the transfer. I have to be evasive every time they ask me about HIM. I avoid using gender specific pronouns. I simply avoid any mention of “my fiancé”. My work desk has no pictures. No personal item what-so-ever. I avoid eye contact when people ask me what I am planning to do during my vacation.
I lie. All the time. I feel I am not me anymore. I am uncomfortable with myself. Not because, I have a problem with being a lesbian but because I lie to everyone around me. I am being dishonest. All the time.
I know there are openly gays working in our company. I know my company has a very good policies regarding LGBT (despite US government having none). Yet every year someone vandalizes LGBT community posters for Pride parade in the company premises. I know even though the company supports the LGBT group, there are people, managers, who consider homosexuality a sin.
I am fairly new to this company and to my career. I don’t want a label to attach to me and affect my career. Not this early in my career. I do want to stand next to the company’s LGBT group and be honest about myself. But I am scared. I am scared of retaliations. I am scared for my career. I am scared for my life.
Does this makes me a bad person? Yes, I know I am not a hero. I am not brave enough for that. But am I wrong for being scared of consequences?
No. You’re not wrong. At the end of the day, you do what’s good for you. You do what doesn’t hurt you. Consider this: What’s the possibility that none of the people caught in the middle of Hindu-Muslim riots didn’t lie about being a Hindu or a Muslim when challenged by someone belonging to the other religion?
being scared is quite normal..Genie!
really liked ur frank appraisal of urself
wish you tonnes of luck on ur way ahead
Genie girl… there are no rights and no wrongs in this… it is what it is. And it’s a process which you just have to go through. Today you’re scared, tmrw you wont give a damn. But the journey from one to the other is an important one – rush into it and you’ll damage everything, slow it down and it will kill you. So dont think about it…like Lady J says, do what you feel is good for you, do what your gut tells you and most importantly, be OKAY with it, be at peace with it knowing that things are always in flux and patience and time is all that you need. You have love in your life…enjoy it.
“You have love in your life…enjoy it.” Wah Wah! Awesome! Perfectly jotted down words!
I know what you mean about work. I am in a similar situation and I don’t know if that will provide you any comfort. But if you feel it is tiring you then it probably is better to deal with it. Depends on how comfy you are.
Are you part of the LGBT group at work? Generally these groups in workplaces are safer and discrete spaceswhere you can probably ask them about how they feel. I live in the bay area and I have seen and heard of awesome ones in google, FB , apple etc…
Mostly, it all comes down to your immediate mgr and their immediate superior who might generally be a C-level exec. IN addition, a lot of states have great protection. So there is a slight possibility that they might discriminate but probably they would not because corporates are more worried abt HR/PR issues and litigation. You can also try to reach HRC -they provide an yearly ranking of friendly companies in the US.
Good luck!
You speak of something that weight on a lot of minds, Genie! Including mine – and Its no means an easy or right/wrong decision to make. Being scared of the consequences is … something that anyone has to face especially in a professional context. I hope you find your way through this conundrum with support, love and lots of happiness
” I avoid using gender specific pronouns” … I do this all the time and do feel wrong for doing this to ppl who are close to me (friends n family) .. but I know, they arent really ready to understand what we are, so its better this way..for now..
@Genie, I felt like I wrote this post. I sooo relate to it right now. I want to tell the whole world that I am finally in love. Tell everyone who has been asking me about my marriage plans that yes, I may have found The One. I have waited forever to change my status on Facebook to committed when I meet the right person.
Like you, I need to keep this a secret. I don’t know till when. And it is more complicated for me because my significant other and me work in the same office. So ‘our’ weekend plans are always vague
My hope for all this to change is time. Maybe with time, people will stop prying into my life and I will no longer have to give them answers they want to hear. And maybe someday, someday I shall be able to post pics of me and her on Facebook and risk seeming gay to everyone in my friends list.
I am hoping that time helps you as well.