Brutally Honest

It changed three years ago when I fell in love with a woman. I wanted to scream and tell the world. “I am finally in love.” Finally, I understand. At that point in my life, I had started to believe that I was incapable of being in love. I didn’t know that I was trying my luck with the wrong gender. So I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to put it on the Facebook, Orkut, Twitter, my Blog. Everywhere. Hey, I was in love.

That’s what I have always called myself. And yes, I have been. Brutally honest. Always. With myself and with everyone around. I don’t like to lie. But now I do. Lie, that is. I still don’t like it.

It changed three years ago when I fell in love with a woman. I wanted to scream and tell the world. “I am finally in love.” Finally, I understand. At that point in my life, I had started to believe that I was incapable of being in love. I didn’t know that I was trying my luck with the wrong gender. So I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to put it on the Facebook, Orkut, Twitter, my Blog. Everywhere. Hey, I was in love.

But, of course, I couldn’t. I was now a lesbian. I had to hide the fact that I was one. I had to hide that I was in love. I survived that first wall.

I did tell my best friend. Her reaction was: “But that’s not natural. You should find a guy and have sex with him. That will cure you!” No, we are not friends anymore.

I told my therapist (I live in US). The doctor you pay to listen to you. His reaction to my emotion that long distance relationships are hard (we are in a long distance relationship): “Oh yeah, you have to deal with two PMSes.” No, I don’t see him anymore.

I haven’t told anyone else. Oh well, not about being a lesbian anyway. My work colleagues know of “my fiancé”. I had to tell them because I want to move to Europe to be with her. The only way I could get the transfer. I have to be evasive every time they ask me about HIM. I avoid using gender specific pronouns. I simply avoid any mention of “my fiancé”. My work desk has no pictures. No personal item what-so-ever. I avoid eye contact when people ask me what I am planning to do during my vacation.

I lie. All the time. I feel I am not me anymore. I am uncomfortable with myself. Not because, I have a problem with being a lesbian but because I lie to everyone around me. I am being dishonest. All the time.

I know there are openly gays working in our company. I know my company has a very good policies regarding LGBT (despite US government having none). Yet every year someone vandalizes LGBT community posters for Pride parade in the company premises. I know even though the company supports the LGBT group, there are people, managers, who consider homosexuality a sin.

I am fairly new to this company and to my career. I don’t want a label to attach to me and affect my career. Not this early in my career. I do want to stand next to the company’s LGBT group and be honest about myself. But I am scared. I am scared of retaliations. I am scared for my career. I am scared for my life.

Does this makes me a bad person? Yes, I know I am not a hero. I am not brave enough for that. But am I wrong for being scared of consequences?

About the author

Genie