What constitutes cheating? I’ve wondered about this ever since the discussion around the campfire in the L Word. And I’ve realized that for a lot of people, sleeping with someone else is the first and last straw. I think this is very interesting, because this begs a very simple question: are emotional and mental fidelity not as important?
I feel a relationship is built on three solid pillars: emotional, mental and physical involvement. And all three are equally important. Quite often, the physical bond follows when you’re emotionally attached and mentally involved. So what is it about the physicality that makes it so easy to pass judgement on your partner’s transgressions? Especially since the very base of a relationship is made of emotional and mental attachment?
Assuming I’m in a relationship (one that’s not open by mutual agreement), will it be cheating if I turn to someone else for emotional support? What if I’m thinking about someone? Just thinking, not undressing them in my mind or wondering what it would be like to make love to them? What if I do fantasize about making love to them? And what if I’m thinking about someone else when I’m in bed with my partner? And what if (I’d love an answer to this one, really) I’m immensely enjoying someone’s company – no flirting, just a deep connection – and I get wet just because of all the intellectual stimulation? What then? Would I be cheating then? Are there degrees of betrayal? A spectrum on which you’re judged?
What I’ve seen is this. If you’re talking to someone and enjoying their company, it’s all good. If you’re seeking out emotional support from someone else, even that’s fine. But the moment it gets physical, it’s like you’ve crossed an invisible line.
So help me understand something, people. Why is a physical betrayal so much worse than an emotional and mental one? Why is it the yardstick for determining whether one has cheated or not?
The physical betrayal is so much more because its quantifiable. Physical betrayal is something that has no valid reason for. For a mental and emotional betrayal, however, there is a valid EXCUSE. If I am in a r’ship and yet seek someone else for support(emotional or mental) it is cheating but not since no one can count and for that matter know how much I think of the other woman, its not considered a big foul. It merely comes under the category of incompatibility amongst partners leading to an emotional support outside the relationship.
Attraction towards someone else is inevitable. it exists and it is normal or I should say Human! But if it takes over the whole relationship then it is cheating.
For me personally, a physical betrayal wont mean a thing unless it was lead due to emotional and mental betrayal.
I’m not sure about what makes for a valid excuse, but I think you might be right about physical betrayal being something tangible. Or rather, more quantifiable than emotional or mental or any other.
Ok Valid was not a word that should have been there. But if you remove this word, i think it makes sense!!
I bow down to thee, Dr.Psychoanalyst-in-residence
Great piece.
Sorry!, I don’t distinguish bet emotional and mental. If I am mentally attached, that means I am emotionally vested too.
I believe that all relns are based on trust, open or closed. If I feel I cheated on my partner, then I think I have the responsibility to let them know – does not matter emotional or physical. I would ask myself 2 qstns -
1. Did we talk about this?
2. If not, how would I feel if I was on the other side? Even if I feel a little bit uneasy, it would mean I crossed the line.
Fuck everyone else’s judgement.
You could be intellectually stimulated yet not emotionally dependent on someone and vice versa. And yes, you’re right. Talking about lines does help. But then again, how many can you draw and keep redrawing?
Also, in the broader spectrum of things, physical reln is irrelevant among asexual partners.
Hmm. Interesting point. How about cuddling? Does that count as physical?
That is a subjective answer like everything else here.
Btw, I liked Shri’s point.
Assuming that we expect all kinds of intimacy- physical, emotional, intellectual, professional, spiritual whatever to be fulfilled by the same person, which is not possible, we all cheat.
True. But my question was, why is physical intimacy, more often than not, the predominant aspect by which we judge?
The concept of physical cheating and betrayal is very questionable and constitutes our new-world dynamics as well. Indian mythology has one instance of non-cheating praised to the heavens. But there seems to be no other mention of it any further than in one epic.
In other cultures, cheating was never mentioned as a non-virtue or an evil – typically meaning sleeping around. If there were anything called cheating in the real sense, then it would be the emotional and mental straying / betrayal of one’s trust. This applies to any relationship dahling!
Hmm. It’s a fine line we walk.
Definitely food for thought.
I had to comment on the following line, though “Very often, the physical side doesn’t show up till you’re emotionally attached and mentally involved.”
Really???
I’ve heard a lot of people say just the opposite, i.e. emotional attachment and involvment is a sure prescription for bed death. Maybe this merits another piece…
For me, I need to feel something emotionally or mentally (however flimsy a connection) to get physical. There is something that triggers the physical attraction in cases where you’re not just fuck buddies or one night stands. So what is that? That trigger?
“Why is a physical betrayal so much worse than an emotional and mental one? Why is it the yardstick for determining whether one has cheated or not?”
1) In monogamous relationships, (physical) sex is something is very, very exclusive. No one else can enjoy that with your partner and it (probably) gives the couple a sense of comfort, security, possession and power.
2) It also has to do with stone age concepts like virginity, chastity etc.. which were mostly created to suppress women.
3) Physical connections are visible, in your face, quantifiable while mental and emotional connections are not. (this is why, in general, mental health issues are often ignored..)
Maybe it’s the knowledge that you chose to give something as private and personal as your own body to someone else. An individual’s emotions and intellectual conversations aren’t as private when compared to his or her body.
To me, emotional betrayal would be far worse than physical betrayal.
I used to think this as well. But turns out, I’m still figuring this one out. I think lines have to be mutually drawn and agreed upon.
Much as I’d like to say that it’s because of the mental or emotional connection, I think not (at least for me)..
Physical cheating is more shocking because when in a relationship we believe that our partner is ours. Their body, pleasures, physical highs are for our consumption (for the lack of a better word), our responsibility and our doing.. so when it is shared with someone else.. it makes us feel more betrayed.
Doesn’t the same hold true for emotional connection? How many times have you been upset that the one you love is not sharing things that matter to her or him with you and instead, is choosing to do so with a close friend? Isn’t that where the indignant accusation “You don’t tell me anything!” comes from?
Your comment just reminds me of how trusting my partner is.
I think if physical betrayal has happened circumstantially and not lead due to emotional or mental betrayal, then I can overlook it. However, if my partner chooses to share her day to day issues with someone else and looks to them for support and understanding instead of me, I would feel cheated.
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Thanks for the response LadyJ. I’ll pass on the message to her. What is meant to be will be, I’m sure she will wait for you till you are if you’re still single but wish you the very best if you are in a relationship.
All the best and take care
To me, cheating is anything that one would not do in front of their partner and you know your partner would not approve of. Emotional or physical intimacy with others is a line because you are doing something destructive to your relationship. And honestly physical betrayal is over-rated, it hurts the same even if it is emotional.So if you think it will hurt your partner and if it leaves you with a feeling of guilt, don’t do it.All the other arguments make me feel like maybe one is being defensive.
Sonal,
So if my partner disapproves of me pecking my best friend, and I still do it because of the comfort level we share.. does that make it cheating?
Or, if my partner disapproves of my drinking with my gang of guys, but I still do.. does that make it cheating?
Dear Pragni,
To me, Yes it does. Simply because I know my actions may cause hurt to my partner yet I still do it. For different people comfort levels maybe different,I may find it perfectly fine to hang around and be cosy with my ex, while my partner may forbid it completely.
I think a relationship is a lot about building trust and such actions would be destructive, the best approach would be to make ones partner comfortable with ones friends before throwing such actions on their face because such reactions from a partner generally mean insecurity. This also shows why time and togetherness is so important before getting into a relationship.
Hmm. All very valid points. But to call the other arguments defensive is a bit unfair, I think. To each their own, right?
If you ask me, I find asking of such Questions nothing but a useless attempt. Relationships only work in the shades of Grey and therefore there are no Black or White answers.
What needs to be asked here is; are the two people involved willing to work of the relationship despite the every day struggles and at times catastrophes? And if even one of them prefers to stick with a “No”….its a shut and closed case My Lord.
Questions give you answers. Answers tell you where the lines are. And lines tell you what’s okay to do and what’s not okay to do. And that, in turn, shows you where and how you need to work on your relationship. You can’t read the other person’s mind. So I think it’s important to question and communicate for anything to work.
That’s a question you’ll need to negotiate with your partner. Monogamy cannot be assumed anymore and the lines are being redefined everyday. It’s really about the value one places on the physical, emotional and mental and what areas are exclusive and non-exclusive between two people. Cheating is more of a cognitive act and is attempted when trying to reconcile our need for commitment and our need for freedom.
Hmm, true. Talking is crucial.
Cheating is defined differently by different people. These questions are to be asked to your partner, and a solid agreement must me made. Honesty is essential. ‘What is considered as cheating in THIS relationship ?’ If that is clear, we segregate the black and white from this ‘grey area’
I agree. Honesty is needed very, very much.
I agree with La femme and P13 – What goes and what does not go must be negotiated … anything above and beyond that which falls in the realm of no-no-no constitutes cheating!
Personally, I believe that if I am in a committed relationship, I’d want my partner’s physical and emotional intimacy to draw from and be demonstrated to me. and only me. ( Unless there are reasonable extenuating circumstances )
Its old fashioned but humans are selfishly possessive buggers! Heck, if thats not agreeable – append the “open” tag. and stick with it.
I agree too.
It all depends … Every relationship starts with a word TRUST
We all fantasize ( flirt or sexual attempt in reel life) … humans are not monogamous (in fantasizing or flirting) … I mean we fantasize with our favorite stars …close buddies etc
Is not true ?
When you are in true relationship …Physical is not big deal, If you are in real love
Am I wrong ? Sorry !
True, we all fantasize. And the thought that they might act on it is something that can be countered only with trust, like you said. But I do think the physical aspect is as important in a relationship as say, emotional attachment. For me, it definitely is a big deal.
How about “any voluntary interaction that makes you want to be with/ makes your love for your partner less and the other person more” as a definition of cheating?? I know there’s no way a couple of lines could never capture something as subjective as cheating, but something along those lines…
Oh, this sounds nice. Interesting.
I agree with you that cheating is not just physical. It starts with the mental and emotional state first. Mentally, if you are bored with your partner and have stopped connecting emotionally like you used to and are then doing all that with another person who is not having a platonic relationship with you then yes you ARE cheating.
The physical aspect is actually a proof of the mental and emotional betrayal. by that point it is obvious your partner has checked out of the relationship ages ago and is now sealing it with betrayal.