I always tell people (cis, trans and everyone else), to just let their friends or family know “they look good”, if they really think so. As good, harmless and innocent one’s intention might be, I hate when someone says “Oh! You look like a real woman”. Or, “I can’t believe you look like a dude now”. If you were one of those who said such a thing to me, smack yourself on your head once. That’s enough punishment. We are friends , how worse can it get? 
In my earlier days of exploring myself, I took it as a compliment. But over the years, and once the superficiality faded, I figured how harmful it is to my psyche. Most trans folks believe in their right to assert their own gender identity. I think it would be safe to say, almost the whole of humankind believes in self-determination of any identity. That brings me to a question I have been pondering for a very long time now, “What does it mean to be a woman (or a man)?” Or to be very specific, “a real woman” or “a real man” or whatever other identity it might be.
I am sure we all have our theories about gender. We all have our own views of what it is and what it is not. There will be people who disagree and agree on several fronts. Eventually, we will all call it a day by saying something cheesy and walking away. And if our views were to be represented in a Venn diagram, it would be all over the place with very few in the intersection. The point here is there is no one way to define identity.
From my own experience, I can say I fought an uphill battle to come out to myself. My internalization of transphobia was so intense that I refused to believe what my mind said. I had been conditioned to think of Gender in a certain you-are-what-you-are-recognised-at-birth way, it took me years to recognize I was beyond that black-or-white image of the world. It took me a few more more years to reconcile with my body. Honestly, I can say, its a work in progress but it was worth it. But we all have issues with body-image. Don’t we?
Is a petite-fair skinned person any more of a woman than a larger-dark skinned person? Is the tall-lanky-size zero woman a better woman than a short-plus sized woman? Is a married-mom any more real than a career-focused-single woman? As much as media, consumerism and the society we live in wants us to believe so, we know all of them are false. If that is the case, then why should a self-identifying not-assigned-woman-at-birth woman be any less of a woman than a woman who was assigned so at birth and raised as a woman? As whacky it might sound, if babies were able to talk, I am sure almost all trans folks would have protested the mis-assigning of genders at birth. Trans folks have been questioned morally, legally, politically about our need to self-identify every step of our way before, during and after transition (both physical and mental transition), it is such a harassing experience.
If we have realized that, then why do we bother and make it tough for ourselves with the issue of “passing”? And place an emphasis that somehow “looking like a stereotypical woman” or ” a man” is somehow superior.
Anyways, this is a fun and educative article to read. I love the way the author draws parallels with similar identity struggle. It has kept me thinking …
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Rash….i couldnt agree more…identity struggle is in any case a ‘grappling with oneself’ and then to grapple with the world at large makes it tough indeed! Sensitivity is the need of the hour…and things are slowly changing….so that makes me smile
gonna take a radically different approach here. i for one always believed in words being defined by their usage and not by semantics, and hence never had any issues with words like passing, clocked and stealth.
let me state his before i write anything further, i have seen this issue being resurrected in most forums, articles and support sites. What does ‘passing’ mean in practical terms? In plain words, the other people perceive me as my identified gender. Isn’t this what most of us want? binary-identified or non-binary-identified, we all want the society to not only just acknowledge but perceive us the way we identify ourselves.
on a lighter note, a few of my acquaintances have serious issues with the words passing and i found ‘cannot-be-clocked’ to be a good synonym instead.
“If we have realized that, then why do we bother and make it tough for ourselves with the issue of “passing”? And place an emphasis that somehow “looking like a stereotypical woman” or ” a man” is somehow superior.”
Well said
I also like that you pointed out that if someone looks good, just tell them they look good – there is no need to gender the compliment. \
Thanks everyone. When i wrote this, I realised this post has more to do with gender non-conformity of any individual than just trans folks. Hugs!!!
Thanks for mentioning that, now the whole tone of the post makes better sense.
Not really. It still makes a huge difference to trans folks. Read the linked article . Its all abt trans folks
rashmi, infact most of my response was in regard to the linked blog.
As the article you cited states, “passing” can have different meaning and utility to different people. Some use that to gain privilege, some do it for other reasons. Concept of a “real man” or a “real woman” is just an intellectual exercise- what is considered a “real man” in one society, may not be in another one, for example. We all know how men in India would wear colorful sherwanis, kurta etc for weddings and stuff. When I showed my picture from a wedding in India to a gay white friend here, he goes- “Oh, you look like a drag queen!”
I would never get that comment in India- even from a gay guy 
So what is it really?
I suppose each one of us have to make a choice- what is that I am looking for? Acceptance? Job security? Relationships? And based on what “you need”, you define what is “passing” for you and go from there…. I would definitely not criticize other queer folks for their choices or the society at large; because the choice ultimately lies within us and that is what we have to stay true to.