Happy Valentine’s Day!
The day of love, fluff and heart shaped things is here again, and I hope you are all prepared to celebrate with utmost enthusiasm.
For those of you who were too busy star gazing or cow herding and forgot that it is Valentine’s Day, worry not! I am here to present you with some fantastic last minute gift ideas, date scenarios and relationship advice.
- What can express your love more than a cute cuddly little animal? For those of you who have only realized this morning that it is Valentine’s Day, a little cute n cuddly is sure to be your saving grace. The Perfect gift? A teacup pig!! Say your significant other is mad at you, just hold up the little teacup pig and watch you become their hero. Seriously, who can resist this face?
- Ask your love to meet you at the city’s fanciest restaurant, (guaranteed you won’t have a reservation since you were a lazy and absent-minded snob) for a beautiful five-course romantic meal. When s/he shows up, you will be yelling at the manager because you allegedly booked a table but some how your reservation has been over looked. Drop the “Do you know who my father is?” line. And if that still doesn’t work, tell them about the fatal disease you contracted about 30 seconds ago and that you only have 93 days to live. By now, the staff should be convinced and will offer you a table. **This is all conditional on your acting skills**
- Is your lover the simple kind? Did you realize that you forgot a card while standing 30 feet away from their home? Worry not! Pull out a piece of paper, and write “Happy Valentine’s Day”. Nothing more. When you present them with the card, they will be a little stunned at what they would consider half assed work, but explain feigning some indignation that you have been inspired by Minimalism and that you wanted to express your love to them in an artistic manner!
- If the above three options do not work, get some chloroform and render your significant other unconscious. Then quickly change all the calendars in their house, office, phone, iPad, laptop, etc. When s/he wakes up, use hypnotherapy to convince them it is February 13. Sure, they might be a day behind at work and will miss appointments or meetings, but really what is more important? You looking like the true romantic or their slightly altered perception of time.
- SEX! Who doesn’t love sex?!? Run to your closest note pad, rip out little pieces of paper and make sex coupons! However, ensure that the wording on the coupons is imaginative and exciting and most importantly mentions your lover’s name a minimum of 4 times (otherwise they might think the coupons were meant for someone else… TROUBLE!) It should read something like this “This coupon hereby allows Ms. Lady Gaga to a wonderful session of sex with (insert your name here). Miss Lady Gaga may redeem this coupon at any given time of the year that Miss Lady Gaga so pleases. This is a special gift for Miss Lady Gaga.” Adding a little “Miss Lady Gaga rules” can’t hurt either. Once again, you’ve given your lover a personalized present (win) and you get laid (double win!). And unless you’re dating Lady Gaga, please use your lover’s name.
Now, my advice is more or less foolproof. You are guaranteed to be the knight in shining armor. So have a very merry valentine’s day! Remember to at least buy your love a cheesy heart shaped balloon and tell them you love them.
If worst comes to worst and all five of the above fail…. Buddy you need to bail. Run as fast as you can, destroy all traces of yourself, and start a whole new life Jason Bourne style. There is nothing worse than the wrath of a scorned queer!