I Hate You…Like I Love You

I often found myself on my couch staring at the ceiling wondering, “How do I stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend?” Dammit! I had to THINK about how NOT to think!

I often found myself on my couch staring at the ceiling wondering, “How do I stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend?” Dammit! I had to THINK about how NOT to think! But… I could not stop. I was driving myself nuts trying to figure out what exactly happened or rather why everything that did happen-happened.

I still remember the last time I met her. After that meeting, all that was real became imaginary. Just a few hurtful words of goodbye were all it took for everything associated with our relationship to lose any sense of reality. I had lost that tangible feeling…you know, the one people call ‘love’? I felt empty. Over weeks, the pain only grew more intense. My heart was in a constant turbulent riot. The most troublesome thoughts haunted me in bed at night. Sometimes the remnants of the past would spin itself into something new and attractive, and I would embrace this unreality of reality hoping to find some solace. Sometimes lovers become bone and flesh. To remember her, it was my own body I touched. I was living on memories. I was broken. And I secretly wished she was broken too.

My life was completely stripped of meaning. Nothing made sense any more. Not friends. Not family. To start with, my friends never really cared about my love life…but my family? Well, they had pretty much accepted her in my life. Their belief in me, their approval of such kinds of relationships was precious. Telling them about the break-up would have meant letting them down. So, I chose not to confide in anyone. I stopped talking to them more or less and turned into a depressed moron. I thought talking to her exes and calling her names would help; but heck – she was suddenly friends with her exes and they were calling me names!

Life became all about work. In short, I had morphed into a dreary boring person, who even got bored of being so boring. And this is when I entertained thoughts of getting back into the zone. Moving on. Flowing. Easing away. Whatever you want to call it. Getting over someone is hard – sometimes almost impossible but at least trying to can be made fun, right?

Fun like Prozac. It helped on some days. Precious weed from Amsterdam helped on other days. Come to think of it, this should have been my daily diet… except the boring me is also really narrow-minded about being dependent on drugs and pills. Apart from being boring that is. I needed a “go-green” kind of natural treatment to heal my aching heart. You see, she had left me scarred – a critical responsibility placed on every lesbian lover and every love lost.  But, I missed my life, my friends, lovers-to-be, sex, lust… And obviously after I started missing sex, I decided to take the matter seriously into my own hands.

For starters, I realized I was angry about a lot of things. I was angry at her BIG TIME. I was angry at her for lying to me, for not having enough time for me, for preferring pizza over sex! Really. The list was endless. Then I had a brainwave! – A letter. But a letter for myself, I wrote down everything I felt and then I dramatically tore apart that very letter into a million pieces. And flushed it down the toilet never to be discovered. It helped.

But I loved her. And I missed her terribly. So, I decided to be friends with her (with no benefits, mind you).Yet, talking only brought back old memories endearments and when you are not completely healed and over someone, it starts messing with your head again. A close friend once remarked, “There is a very good reason why an ex is called an X”. I took her advice and decided to not be friends with my ex and her exes! This was the best and only advice I ever took.

Now, I perform really badly under pressure…especially in bed (not that I was getting any …grrr). I knew I needed to take my own time to get over her. You see, another wise friend once remarked that a year long relationship needs 6 months to heal and a 2 year relationship needs a year. To me, her words made a lot of difference. I didn’t have to recover immediately. I could take time. There was no pressure and I began to feel normal about my pretty fucked up condition.

Ever heard of the “Reminder Syndrome”? I hadn’t either until it hit me hard in my face one day! I had to throw away my delicious strawberry body wash ‘coz it reminded me of her smell. I spent nights updating the playlist on my iPod ‘coz the damn songs reminded me of our times together.

I needed some space and alone time to straighten up my messed-up life. And one day, the answer came in the form of Santa Claus…err …I mean, my boss who offered me a small project in a foreign wonderland. Far away, the more time I spent alone, the more I became aware of my fears. Fear of being alone. Fear of never being able to love again. Fear of getting old and not able to find someone. I dropped all my fears when I realised – I did not want to be any one’s sport anymore. I wanted something special with someone really really special. I exercised both my body and mind. I read a whole lot of new books and ran along a charming canal every other day. It made me feel good about myself. I was building new muscles and healing old ones. Like my heart. It only brought back all the self-worth I had lost.

I gathered a whole new perspective on romantic movies. Concepts like ‘The One’, soul mates, true love… are so overrated. Anyone can be The One. To say that the gap in my heart is in her shape and no-one else can fit in sounds like a cheesy dialogue from one of Ekta Kapoor’s serial. I know I should not have taken love so seriously. It does what it has to no matter what you do or say. And going by that, probably my ex did what she had to despite how I felt. Forgiving her seemed like the toughest part, but it came naturally. I was so done enjoying the limelight of being a victim in my own head. Stupidly enough, I held on to the broken dreams for the longest time, not allowing us to move on in life. But when I came back to India, she and I spoke once. It was a sincere conversation. And after that? I was free. And so was she. I knew it.

Now that I know so much about love – I am thinking of falling in love again – all over again! I have just the person in mind. And if that doesn’t work out? Sigh. Repeat.

I know there will be days when none of what I have written about here might work. And that’s A-OK.  To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. I don’t know if heartbreaks are good or bad. But they definitely are not fun. I wanted to share with you all my journey to find my center… My zone…My happy place. What is your happy place?

About the author


Music. Photos. Theatre. Sea. Osho. Friends. Books. Dreams. Beatles. Freedom. Thoughts. Stories. Expression. Memories. Conversations. Movies. The love of my life. Defines me!