These fucking religious fundamentalists really need to shut up. I mean, I don’t actively go out trying to recruit people for my “gay cause” so what makes them think it’s ok to come and recruit me? Whatever happen to the theory of ‘each to their own”?
This past week, I was flying business class to London on work. I was super excited as I was going to spend the next 5 days with my most favorite gay couple! As soon as I got on my flight, I made a few phone calls to fellow gays and my mother and then proceeded to sleep in order to make the 8-hour flight less painful. Six hours into the journey, I woke up and while minding my own business turned on the in-flight entertainment to waste my time. Now I’m not usually the peppy little traveler who loves to chat up the person sitting next to me. If I don’t know you, I don’t want to talk to you and I do not wish to tell you about my life. It’s my life let me live it. On this particular occasion my fellow business classer taps me on the shoulder. I cordially pull out my headphones and smile at him. While I have some of the worst traveling karma, and can tell you legendary stories, what was about to happen could not have been predicted even my psychics! The man says to me “You know, I have been watching you for some time now. I have been observing you. And you see, god talks to me, he sends me messages. God made me write something for you, here you are. Jesus is looking for you.” And he hands me an A4 paper folded in half on which he had written me a freaking letter! And for those of you who think I’m lying, you’ll see the letter at the end.
I cannot begin to tell you the sheer panic that went through me. Had this man spent six hours creepily staring me while I slept? And while I respect all religions and forms of god, as an atheist, god sure as hell isn’t looking for me. Just because we were cruising at 10,000 feet above Earth, did this man think he could claim he was closer to god and had received some kind of a freaking telegram from him? Or could it be possible that he saw my butch haircut, my rainbow colored hoody and obviously-homo swagger and decide that I needed to be saved? Did he somehow know that I was about to have the gayest weekend of my life? What the fuck! Obviously he has never heard of Gay Jesus or ever listened Lady Gaga’s all famous Judas… In the most biblical sense I am beyond repentance. What’s to repent about being a homo? It’s the most fabulous thing in the world!
More importantly, why would Jesus be looking for me? I mean he’s Jesus, shouldn’t he already know where I live? I really doubt Jesus is combing the streets of Mumbai or London looking for me of all people. And being the almighty I would expect him to at least know my phone number. Holler at me Jesus!
After this reading this horrific letter, I obviously asked the lunatic his name and put the letter in a safe place to share with you all.
And above everything, we all know that Satan is a lesbian. We LOVE Satan.