[*Editor's note: When a former interviewee Ajay Gabriel Sathyan contacted us to remove this post, we were obviously concerned. After a round of emails it became clear that Ajay's experience after coming out had been disheartening, disappointing and painful. With his permission, we wish to reproduce a piece of writing that details his difficult and emotional experience in the hopes that you-our loving readers and extended family - will be able to give him the support and encouragement he needs. Due to the extraordinary circumstances, we have decided to publish his story as he wrote it without any edits whatsoever. This content has been previously circulated in a few mailing lists. Readers are cautioned about the use of strong language in this article.]
I have been asking myself this question for months after 2011s pride. Am I proud enough to celebrate MY PRIDE? The New Year has begun and Chennai’s LGBT forums are already frenzied buzzing about “THE PRIDE”. Funny thing is we as LGBT love to complain and blame. Don’t we just love the drama? Well I am LGBT too and I am going to get off a bit plaintive. As I was saying we love to complain and blame as to why we are pushed, hurt, maimed, mangled, raped, spat on, discriminated etc. by our family and society. We blame the ones who made us what we are now. But we never introspect our own faults and shortcomings. As an individual we fail to notice three fingers pointing to us as we point one finger at someone. We are the reason why we are a woeful bunch.
One of the gay guys I know told me that “Gay relationships will never work in India” and another one said “Gay friendships will never work in India”. I laughed at both of them, seriously I thought they were nothing but stupid old ugly bunch of f**s. But they were true. It never works and I am afraid it never will. As a person you in life may go through a lot of pain and it would have never hurt you, until the moment you realize that you are going through or that you have gone through pain. I went through hurt from the day I was introduced to the queer culture in Chennai.
I have experienced pressure to fit in and I still do. They make it so hard to be friends with them. One has to clear like these mind f*****g rounds to make friends with these people. One should have knowledge about particular shows, movies and guys else you will be ignored. You need to know fashion and you need to fake it, you need to vogue it up else forget it. First there was the Will&Grace era and then came the Golden Girls era and the Sex and the City era which brought many gay men together to have something in common and those who grew up with these shows were there for the long haul. What happened to the rest of the guys? God knows.
During the Will&Grace era there was this obvious split between “straight acting gay men (mostly closeted) “ and these “drama drag queens” who had to fake almost everything about them and be loud for no reason. And then there were the rest of the guys who did not belong to any of the above and God knows what happened to them!
During the Golden Girls era each one wanted to be a sophisticated, witty, attractive whore. They were so obsessed with that s**t they started hunting for their own gang of menopausal counterparts. Some succeeded and some didn’t. And then there were the rest of the guys who did not belong to any of the above and God knows what happened to them!
During the Sex and the City era every gay guy wanted to be a Carrie, a Charlotte, a Miranda, a Samantha, or a mix of any of these demeaning, ugly, menopausal, whining, exploitative(tool of a b***h), vulgar, horny bitches and the hunt was on to find their partners in crime, their soul sisters. And then there were the rest of the guys who did not belong to any of the above and God knows what happened to them!
And then came Lady Gaga and so on and so forth. This is the gay life I saw around me. All of them want to live someone’s life and not their own. There were groups, splits, jealousy, conspiracy etc.
So if I have to get along with this gay community I need to know about Lady Gaga. I need to know about these shows, I need speak correct English, I need to dress well. I need to know how to pronounce, Yves Saint Laurent, Versace, Givenchy, Jean Paul Gaultier. I should have traveled, I should earn a lot. I should be elite enough for them. If I don’t I am just laughed at, mocked at. It is like my very existence repels them. There are gay men who do not belong to any of these sects. Where do they go? Where do they belong? I have met guys on either sides of the grass. The so called golden girls and sex and the city lifestyle is nauseating. The rest of them are mostly closeted gay men and any other gay man they would have known is someone they would have slept with. So are you guys actually celebrating diversity..?
Most of the gay men who are out of the closet in Chennai and around India for that matter are vindictive, vicious and vulturous. They are the only kind who call you as a friend but actually plot behind you and bitch about you. They are the only kind who desperately tries to sleep with the guy who you are interested in. They are the only kind who tries to break a couple up. They are the only kind who will never be content with anything in their life and most probably will infect everyone around with that disease. They are the only kind to who wants be your BFF and make sure your life is as miserable as theirs. They will be the only friends who never let you date and practically consume all your weekends doing absolutely nothing useful and make sure you remain single for life so you too can sink with them in the drain. They put up this righteous act and pretend to be shepherds and are actually leading you to your despair.
You guys need look beyond differences and connect in solidarity. Have a moral sincere support for one another, then when you blame, then when you complain about the society it makes a difference. When you do it together, for each other, with one another it will for sure make a difference. Right now it won’t, when you stand divided. No way.
And there are this handful of gay guys I have known who are such darlings and amazing individuals.… Am glad those f*****s didn’t get them. This prevalence of ugly, pretentious condescendence has not affected me much, because I am happier with my straight friends I am out to them and they don’t give me s**t all the time and they are not allies (women who treat gay men as accessories).
I am typing this message as I wait at the Chennai airport for my flight to Mangalore en route to Coorg (kodagu). And I wonder. Am I proud enough to celebrate MY PRIDE?
NO. I am not. And I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. I don’t want to be associated with this community again. It has only been a disastrous path which cost my career and my family.
My message is not to discourage or shackle anyone’s desire to have a community of gay friends or to pursue your dream of being part of the community. This is my experience. May be people will have a different story to say. Something against me I don’t know, I don’t care. I am just sending this message out into the void. For the ones who fell and for the ones who are yet to fall, they might need something to cushion them. Moderators, please, refrain from editing the content.
This was a wonderful, wonderful thing to read. I was nodding my head through it and I am surprised I hadn’t consciously thought of it, but it’s so damn true! Even the lesbian/bisexual community tends to be one-dimensional which is why I started to lose interest after a point.
well here i would say ACCEPTANCE and yet again SOCIETY has a bigger role to play , as we dont have acceptance from society , society hasnt laid down norms to mould ourselves into and hence we lead a life as wat we see n decide for ourself .
the thing here is not only gay people but even straight people wants to be friends with the good looking chiks thats how human behaviour tends to be though certainly eventually the change will come , but who will start that ??
WE
Brilliantly written. You nailed what always bothered me about the LGBT community. We tend to behave like a scary cult sometimes that perpetuates stereotypes instead of negating them. I guess it’s not all that pretty on the other side of the rainbow as we would like to believe.
Dear Ajay,
Thank you for your fantastic sharing!! But I would say lets refrain from stereotyping it.
The reason for such dynamics in the community can be many… social rejection and hence doing anything and everything to be accepted. Being mean & spiteful could just be a defense mechanism. Men have always been conditioned to be competitive and hence … , suppression leads to outburst of a lot of things & sometimes a need to prove that you are as good as others or may be better
Straight community or non-straight community – sometimes one has to fight one’s way in … and out.
Have pity on these people who forgot to respect you and love you – the way you deserve. They are immature under-developed beings. Forgive them, and let’s hope that one day – they come around it.
Hugs.
I sincerely never expected supportive replies at all… <3
@ Esha – Thank you much..
@ Sunny – Yes it has to start with us….
@ Arunima – Thank you much.. yes and I have done it.. and I am bad bad boy now…
@ Chicklet – I think I might still need some time but I will definitely will come around and thank you very much for the words… means a lot….
I read your article on orinan if my memory serves me right. I don’t know you personally so i can’t offer comfort and am sure you wouldn’t want that either. But i just want to say, the need to fit in comes from the fact that we, humans were animals once.. or rather still. One can choose not to and live free. One can choose to wear the mask, Its up to the individual.You tried. Decided against it. Good for you. But, you know, with every failure comes courage and and with acceptance the way to move forward. Closing the heart to the experiences of the world will eventually stop a person from growing. Be it hetro or gay, humans are the same, their fears remain the same, the response to the fear, is also the same.
Whats life if you don’t keep moving forward? Chin up and may the force be with you
Hope the mountains of coorg served as a relief.
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cheers,
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I think it’s *so* interesting that all the cultural references in your entry save Chennai Pride are all American.
I also think it’s interesting that you place Will & Grace chronologically before the Golden Girls and even before SATC. W&G & SATC were concurrently running and GG came many years before both shows.
Every time I see the colorful rainbow pride flag and other gay American cultural motifs in India (and throughout the world), I get kind of sad. Are there no organically developed Indian queer motifs to be the symbol of the LGBT Indian community? The rainbow flag serves as the flow of cultural imperialism from the U.S. to India (and other parts of the world). In this case, it is exporting its crystallizing, oppressive gay (not queer) identity. Indeed, there is a strong homonational movement going on in America (see Jasbir Puar’s book).
Which brings me to my actual point of the gay community and the queer community taking divergent routes. From my knowledge of the American gay rights history, the gay community used to be quite radical in the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s. They supported anti-war movements, feminist movements and anti-nuclear movements. The dominant ideology was that of liberation – the Gay Liberation Front, for example, rather than assimilation. Perhaps because of AIDS in the 80s, which ravaged the community, or because of rich white men getting sick of having to give up their privileges or acknowledging them…I’m not entirely sure, but the overarching tone of the gay community changed by the time the late 90s rolled in (when W&G started). People attributed to such shifts could be Bruce Bower, Andrew Sullivan, etc. And I think it is this form of the gay community that is being put on the cultural imperial agenda of the United States / the American national project.
Anyway, what I’m trying to get at is:
1. I’m disappointed to see such a similar formation in India
2. It would be wonderful for a more organically grown queer Indian identity (rather than rainbow flags, elitism, and American T.V. shows)
3. Keep fighting the good fight