[*Editor’s note: When a former interviewee Ajay Gabriel Sathyan contacted us to remove this post, we were obviously concerned. After a round of emails it became clear that Ajay’s experience after coming out had been disheartening, disappointing and painful. With his permission, we wish to reproduce a piece of writing that details his difficult and emotional experience in the hopes that you-our loving readers and extended family – will be able to give him the support and encouragement he needs. Due to the extraordinary circumstances, we have decided to publish his story as he wrote it without any edits whatsoever. This content has been previously circulated in a few mailing lists. Readers are cautioned about the use of strong language in this article.]
I have been asking myself this question for months after 2011s pride. Am I proud enough to celebrate MY PRIDE? The New Year has begun and Chennai’s LGBT forums are already frenzied buzzing about “THE PRIDE”. Funny thing is we as LGBT love to complain and blame. Don’t we just love the drama? Well I am LGBT too and I am going to get off a bit plaintive. As I was saying we love to complain and blame as to why we are pushed, hurt, maimed, mangled, raped, spat on, discriminated etc. by our family and society. We blame the ones who made us what we are now. But we never introspect our own faults and shortcomings. As an individual we fail to notice three fingers pointing to us as we point one finger at someone. We are the reason why we are a woeful bunch.
One of the gay guys I know told me that “Gay relationships will never work in India” and another one said “Gay friendships will never work in India”. I laughed at both of them, seriously I thought they were nothing but stupid old ugly bunch of f**s. But they were true. It never works and I am afraid it never will. As a person you in life may go through a lot of pain and it would have never hurt you, until the moment you realize that you are going through or that you have gone through pain. I went through hurt from the day I was introduced to the queer culture in Chennai.
I have experienced pressure to fit in and I still do. They make it so hard to be friends with them. One has to clear like these mind f*****g rounds to make friends with these people. One should have knowledge about particular shows, movies and guys else you will be ignored. You need to know fashion and you need to fake it, you need to vogue it up else forget it. First there was the Will&Grace era and then came the Golden Girls era and the Sex and the City era which brought many gay men together to have something in common and those who grew up with these shows were there for the long haul. What happened to the rest of the guys? God knows.
During the Will&Grace era there was this obvious split between “straight acting gay men (mostly closeted) “ and these “drama drag queens” who had to fake almost everything about them and be loud for no reason. And then there were the rest of the guys who did not belong to any of the above and God knows what happened to them!
During the Golden Girls era each one wanted to be a sophisticated, witty, attractive whore. They were so obsessed with that s**t they started hunting for their own gang of menopausal counterparts. Some succeeded and some didn’t. And then there were the rest of the guys who did not belong to any of the above and God knows what happened to them!
During the Sex and the City era every gay guy wanted to be a Carrie, a Charlotte, a Miranda, a Samantha, or a mix of any of these demeaning, ugly, menopausal, whining, exploitative(tool of a b***h), vulgar, horny bitches and the hunt was on to find their partners in crime, their soul sisters. And then there were the rest of the guys who did not belong to any of the above and God knows what happened to them!
And then came Lady Gaga and so on and so forth. This is the gay life I saw around me. All of them want to live someone’s life and not their own. There were groups, splits, jealousy, conspiracy etc.
So if I have to get along with this gay community I need to know about Lady Gaga. I need to know about these shows, I need speak correct English, I need to dress well. I need to know how to pronounce, Yves Saint Laurent, Versace, Givenchy, Jean Paul Gaultier. I should have traveled, I should earn a lot. I should be elite enough for them. If I don’t I am just laughed at, mocked at. It is like my very existence repels them. There are gay men who do not belong to any of these sects. Where do they go? Where do they belong? I have met guys on either sides of the grass. The so called golden girls and sex and the city lifestyle is nauseating. The rest of them are mostly closeted gay men and any other gay man they would have known is someone they would have slept with. So are you guys actually celebrating diversity..?
Most of the gay men who are out of the closet in Chennai and around India for that matter are vindictive, vicious and vulturous. They are the only kind who call you as a friend but actually plot behind you and bitch about you. They are the only kind who desperately tries to sleep with the guy who you are interested in. They are the only kind who tries to break a couple up. They are the only kind who will never be content with anything in their life and most probably will infect everyone around with that disease. They are the only kind to who wants be your BFF and make sure your life is as miserable as theirs. They will be the only friends who never let you date and practically consume all your weekends doing absolutely nothing useful and make sure you remain single for life so you too can sink with them in the drain. They put up this righteous act and pretend to be shepherds and are actually leading you to your despair.
You guys need look beyond differences and connect in solidarity. Have a moral sincere support for one another, then when you blame, then when you complain about the society it makes a difference. When you do it together, for each other, with one another it will for sure make a difference. Right now it won’t, when you stand divided. No way.
And there are this handful of gay guys I have known who are such darlings and amazing individuals.… Am glad those f*****s didn’t get them. This prevalence of ugly, pretentious condescendence has not affected me much, because I am happier with my straight friends I am out to them and they don’t give me s**t all the time and they are not allies (women who treat gay men as accessories).
I am typing this message as I wait at the Chennai airport for my flight to Mangalore en route to Coorg (kodagu). And I wonder. Am I proud enough to celebrate MY PRIDE?
NO. I am not. And I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. I don’t want to be associated with this community again. It has only been a disastrous path which cost my career and my family.
My message is not to discourage or shackle anyone’s desire to have a community of gay friends or to pursue your dream of being part of the community. This is my experience. May be people will have a different story to say. Something against me I don’t know, I don’t care. I am just sending this message out into the void. For the ones who fell and for the ones who are yet to fall, they might need something to cushion them. Moderators, please, refrain from editing the content.