Hi!
I found out about your column on Gaysi and thought I could share something with you in the hope that you will understand and possibly help me overcome it.
My girlfriend is a charming, outgoing and confident girl. She flirts very openly with other girls and knowing she means no harm, I am usually okay with it. We are not out as a couple to our friends as my girl-friend still lives with her family and believes that if her parents ever got to know; they might create problems for me.
Some weeks ago she met this girl at a party and has been exchanging messages and mails every day. I know this because she would bring up this other girl’s name in the conversation and would act all cool about it. Just the other day, she left her laptop unlocked when she went for a shower and I saw mails/love songs as an attachment being sent to and fro between the two.
It has left me very upset and I have a feeling she’s cheating on me. Should I confront her? I feel really bad about looking through her mailbox but I couldn’t defy my strong instinct that something is not right.
Is it okay for one’s partner to be like this? I don’t know if I can trust her anymore. I don’t know how I will feel even if she accepts her act when I confront her. Is it not true that if one is a cheater, it is for life?
What should I do? Please help me. And thank you for your time on this.
[Sent by Anonymous]
Hi,
Thank you for your e-mail.
I guess your story and what you are struggling with is about communication and conflict. Communication, which 90% is non-verbal, is an important element in any kind of relationship and should not be overlooked. It is not only about what we say but how we say it and the body language that comes with it. In your situation there doesn’t seem to be much verbal communication. However there is plenty of non-verbal that you are picking up on and observing, perhaps your girlfriend is as well.
You mentioned that your girlfriend is charming, outgoing, confident and flirty with other girls. It sounds to me that she might be insecure about herself and perhaps feels the need to overcompensate by putting herself out there and showing off her ‘assets’. Does she have the need to be liked or fancied? Does she have the need to feel stimulated and praised about her looks or if she has achieved something? My question is “what is she not showing you”, have you spoken about her insecurities and what she tries to keep hidden from others and perhaps even yourself? I always look for what is not there or what is not being said to evaluate a situation. This normally helps me to see what individuals are struggling with. If that can be spoken about then it breaks down a barrier that is perhaps in the way.
The conflict I hear is that she is very open around other people apart from her inner circle, like friends, family and perhaps even with you and certainly with you around them. It sounds like you are not very happy with this situation and scared of raising any issues with her. This includes confronting her about the e-mails and your suspicion that something is going on. Have you been able to talk about how you feel about her mentioning her name a lot? She must pick up that you are not happy and therefore keeping your distance?
There are only a few options that I can see here, you either address it and talk about it or don’t say anything and stick with the feelings that come with it. However long term I’m sure it will eat away on you.
When you ask “if somebody is a cheater are they for life?”, that is a difficult one to answer of course as each individual is different. Some people change, some people don’t or don’t want to. It is all dependent on the trust in your relationship. How much do you trust each other? How open are you with each other? To me relationships build and work on trust. Unless you have a ‘don’t ask-don’t tell’ agreement where each can do what they want as long it is not spoken about.
It doesn’t sound like you have that agreement. It sounds like that there are a lot of questions that are unanswered which you are struggling with. Think about your situation, answer the above questions and ask yourself ‘Do I know what is going on? Do I understand her situation? Can I be brave enough and talk to her?
Good luck with finding the answers you are looking for, I wish you all the best and strength to resolve this.
Pink Freud.
I will say this. Do you consider yourself to be the star of the movie? Or the side-actress. Identify your position and decide accordingly. Me and my girlfriend, flirt openly with others, but we know that we are each other’s fire. And thats that. Flirting is healthy. Cheating is not. Atleast never, when you are in the receiving end.
I’m troubled by the idea that the girlfriend being confident and outgoing is considered a sign of possible insecurity. It could happen, sure, but why jump to that conclusion? What about the letter-writer’s own insecurities about the relationship – which are a hell of a lot more obvious given that this letter exists? I agree that ultimately communication is key, especially in dealing with insecurities, but it’s already a frustrating stereotype that girls can’t be confident and flirty and outgoing if it’s not a cover for something.
hey doc,
super awesome!!
I absolutely love your reply. It makes so much sense.
dear girl,
I’ve been there and all I can say is .. take some time out & flush out this built up tension. If u really really love her, talk to her. Give her total freedom; then she may be faithful to you. There’s really no point in expecting things like trust, honesty, etc.. These are some of the things which should never be asked.
If love cannot keep you together, nothing else can…
anything else that can keep you together is not worth a dime.
take care.
hug!
Chicklet, good options to consider indeed. and it is about love and the rest will follow.
Creatirx Tiara, I agree with you but wanted the reader to come up with this herself. The way I wrote it was hopefully going to stir something in her for her to look at her own insecurities. If this did not come across or you did not read it that way then I should have been more upfront perhaps and made it clearer to the reader. I was certainly not trying to stereotype as I have been on the receiving end of that as well and is indeed not a nice place to be.
Nemo, it sounds like you have love in your relationship, where trust and honesty are not expected but are there through hard work by both parties.
Err, and what about the fact that the letter writer has broken her girlfriends trust by going through her email – violating boundaries and privacy. If one had such suspicions why not air them and talk about jealousies and insecurities= communication. Agree totally with Creatrix Tara btw.
hey anonymous
Firstly, i would like to say that it all depends on the kinda relationship u have with ur partner.
I am a v.v.flirtatious person. and even when i do behave im poked and prodded until i flirt back, which i invariably do.
flirting doesn’t mean cheating.
some of us jus need to be out there. i know it is not fair but ur gf needs to assure you that u will always be her number 1.
I used to date this girl a few yrs ago and she had the same prob with me. i work in a field where i am surrounded by pretty girls all the time. even if i dont flirt, they do and most times it is innocent and jus a lil naughty.
if you are in a relationship for a long period, u will discover that some people are jus made that way and while they sometimes cross the line (acc to you) their heads are screwed up a diff way from urs and think it isnt cheating until they actually go to bed with that person.
i am fully capable of being madly in love with a partner while flirt outrageously with another woman.
the best way to go abt it is to confront her and tell her u understand (if u understand) and if u dont understand and if u think she is worth it….then maybe ask her to make u understand.