Ask Freud : Coming Out

Parents always want what is best for their children that does however, not always mean that they agree with what the children want to do or achieve.

Dear all,
I am doing my engg in Tamil Nadu. I discovered that I am gay 1 year back and accepted it only a month back after contacting Hiyer. I have successfully come out to a friend who understood me for who I am. I am yet to come out to my parents. They have done so much to bring me up be it economical or physical. How can I give them another blow? pls help.

Hi there,

Well done for taking the first step and telling a friend. It is a true friend as he/she accepts you for who you are. I guess coming out to our friends is a lot easier than talking to our parents in the first instance. It is almost testing the waters to see how friends react and respond to your news.

The second phase is approaching family and in your case your parents. You seem to be worried about them and when you mentioned “another blow” indicated to me that something has happened in the past which hasn’t gone that well. As I don’t know what that is, I suggest you think about what happened and how your parents reacted to that and how they handled the situation. Parents are normally fairly robust, deal with the issues and move on.

They have done so much for you because you are their child and they clearly want the best for you. They have invested a lot of time and money in you for you to be in the position as to where you are right now. They would not have done that if they didn’t love and care for you.

This might not always be obvious in every family as this is not always said or on display. It sounds like you have a fairly good relationship with your parents and they support you in your choices. Your question to me sounds like will “they support me in this choice”?

Parents always want what is best for their children that does however, not always mean that they agree with what the children want to do or achieve. For the parents, especially in Asia, it is about status and how they are seen by their peers and society. What will others say about them having a gay son, how will they react and respond? Will their friendships be at stake? These are questions that you might be asking yourself right now. I guess you have a few choices here. Think about them individually, what could the outcome be for each one and what is going to make you most happy.

Option 1) Don’t tell you parents, live a lie. They will be wondering why you don’t want to get married and start your own family. They might think that there is something wrong with you and could become over-possessive.

Option 2) You wait for a while and test the waters with them to see how they think and feel about other gay man, either in the media or people they might know. This could be a dangerous thing as they will look at these individuals and stereotype them. They will be very different to you but they will put you in the same category when they find out.

Option 3) You tell your mother to start with, mothers are usually more sensitive and more open than fathers are, this depends of course with which parent you have a closer relationship with. You could ask her to speak to him on your behalf if you are very worried about his reaction. He might however find this cowered-less and not respect you for it.

Option 4) You tell both your parents, talk to them and make them understand your situation. Explain what is going on for you and that you are worried about them too. Make them understand that you don’t want to let them down but just want to be yourself and make the most out of life.

Option 5) Same as option 4 but you can tell them that their friends and society do not need to find out, in case they would find this difficult at the start. Parents normally come around after a while, they will also talk to their friends they feel they can trust and slowly more people will find out.

There are of course other options as well which you may think of but this is to give you a starting point. Whichever option you choose, one of the above or your own, work them out for yourself and think what the outcome could be and which outcome you are looking for.

I wish you all the best and I am sure you will make the right decision at the right time that will work for you.

Pink Freud

You can e-mail your questions to ( or via Gaysi Contact Form) and he will respond to you via the Gaysi Family website.

About the author

Pink Freud

Pink Freud is a counselling psychotherapist in training. He currently sees therapy clients part time and manages a large team in a corporate environment when he is not 'in the therapist's chair'. Long term, he wants to specialise in working with LGBT individuals, couples and groups. As a gay man, who came out 10 years ago, he understands the unique struggles of the LGBT community and is here to help. You can e-mail your questions to and he will respond to you via the Gaysi Family website.