A few weeks ago an app was launched by an organization called Setting Captives Free, a non-denominational ministry that “teaches the biblical principles of freedom in Jesus Christ.” Of course being a non-discriminatory Hindu homo that I am, I immediately picked up my iPhone and made my way to the app store to download it and cure myself of my homosexuality (as it is too expensive to maintain a girlfriend nowadays).
Sadly, it had been 24 hours too late, and the evil corporation that is Apple had taken this “self-help” app down!! The horror! How dare Apple have principles! Don’t they know I need to be cured!
Although I am an Apple snob, I swallowed my pride and borrowed a friend’s Android phone. Android is out to change the world, they believe that homosexuality is a treatable disease. Long live Android! And thus begins my adventure….
There is a wide array of courses available, but clearly the only one I need is for ‘Sexual Purity.’ I am first introduced to Mike Cleveland, the founder of Setting Captives Free, who tells about his own struggles with porn addiction and how he came to free himself of his disease and sins. He gives you word of encouragement and tells you how it is all so possible as long as you surrender yourself to the hands of the lord! *Choo sweet no?*
The rules are that I must come back to this app every day and complete one lesson a day by answering a series of questions. There is a mentor who will over look my progress and is responsible for checking my answer. It’s just like being back in school all over again! It will take only 30-45 minutes of my day, but it is sure to cure me in 60 days!!!
The proper biblical motive for gaining victory over impurity must be the glory of God.
I am taken through some biblical lessons, and I realize now, that everything I must do is for the glory of God! I must cleanse and purify myself, not for my own benefit, but for the glory of God! Day One’s lesson come to an end, and I have given myself to God.
Only 59 days to go before I attain purity and hopefully some enlightenment with it too. Here is a list of things I hope to achieve through this app:
To be come out of my homosexual cave and live a boring and normal existence
To stop standing on the street corner wasting my time converting every man, woman, child, dog, cat, dragon and platypus for the homosexual agenda
To get rid of my unicorn porn collection (Damn!)
To rid myself of the eternal love for Lady Gaga, Madonna, Cindi Lauper, Elizabeth Taylor, Oprah Winfrey (the true dragon lady), and most importantly Elton John.
To burn my toy collection that took 4 years, and hundreds of dollars to build
To give up my desire to stick a big rainbow flag on the Gateway of India and rename it “Gay-tway of India”
To over power the need to dress and behave like a man (cause that’s what all lesbians do)
To be as sinless as Brittany Spears. (huh!! whot!)
To marry a hot man, preferably one who looks like Hugh Jackman, and have his babies…. Oh wait. This is about sexual purity!
Last but not least, I hope I don’t turn the app gay.
Now, these are not principles I ask you to live by. But if for some reason you do think I am on the wrong journey, please click on this link and let Google know that they are leading this baby dyke down a very wrong path.
Then please proceed to discarding your Android phones and buying an iPhone. The gay tech lord Tim Cook tells me the new iOS 7 is far superior anyways.