Paan Brings Blunder : A Gay Boy’s Hygiene Checklist

We take a rick, run up the stairs home and get into the flat, lock the door and start taking clothes off – and man, the clothes just came off in an instant.

So, the first thing I notice about any person and mind you, I am being politically correct by saying person – are the fingers and toes. One’s fingers and toes and how they are kept, manicured or pedicured or whatever is definitely an indication of their personal hygiene. Or at least thats what I thought till I moved from the South…not South Bombay, silly!  –  to Mumbai. Do remember that for a South Indian like me everything above the 4 southern states is North India!

Until I got here it was feet and fingers – “F&F”…. and if the “F&F” were not proper, it would be ta-ta-bye-bye, darling!… unless you had a humongous anaconda in your pants that Vishwamitra could not resist. In this case, let’s assume Vishy was gay and still all saintly and angelic and such.

So, I meet this guy on the online dating site of whose URL I will not mention publicly for fear of being found out and telecast on some Telugu channel that outed more than 5 and half of the real gay men in Hyderabad…much to the discomfiture of the gay men and their otherwise not so gay “let’s get a blow job” bunch of lovers! Back to the story –  met this guy on a dating site, in front of a mall. He was tall, spindly and had absolutely no fat on his skinny bum..*sigh*. Such dreamy eyes and clean fingers and hairy legs that ended in such lovely clean feet and toes…mmmmmm. I still remember that sight quite fondly.

He smiled in a Marlon Brando sort of way, and I just melted right there – talk about not falling for external beauty and only believing in first having a conversation over coffee and then politely drawing him into one’s private bed chambers, first looking for what’s in a man for what’s up there (pointing to the head) and in here (pointing to the heart). Well if you were playing Shag Marry Cliff – this was total shag and marry material – never cliff at all. Where were we? pretty face, clean fingers and toes, hairy legs and Marlon Brando smile… so instead of saying CCD? I said, Home? And he nodded.

We take a rick, run up the stairs home and get into the flat, lock the door and start taking clothes off – and man, the clothes just came off in an instant – and while I was enjoying the general appearance of the “F&F” and the hairy legs against mine and the lithe no-fat sinewy body against my rather large rump, I turn and get to the lips which he parted and …..

*Screaaaaaaaaaam!!!!!*

Good lord! What the fish! I’ve added teeth to the list of hygiene check points on my list – what’s with all this paan, man? And Gollum’s teeth they say is horrid and revolting. I’d rather I made out with a Gollum than anyone the Paan expo! Uff! So forget the Shag, forget the Marry, just Cliffed him straight away… and he was perplexed.

“kyuoon meri jaan”, he said!

Mary Jaan.. It’s not even Mary Jane darling. Btw, don’t they say meri for a woman and mera for a man? Which part of me looks like a woman to you? blind too, eh? Uff!

So from now on, it’s FFT – Feet, Fingers and Teeth!

About the guest author

Vinodh Philip