Seeking Light

The more I throw myself out there, the more I end up analysing the “right” and “wrong” of it.

So it took me… correction, it’s taking me what feels like light years to say it.

I am just wondering if I knew it all along, and refused to see it. Or, maybe I am reading too much into all of it. Either ways, I spent some time (ok, a little more than ‘some’) recollecting those lightbulb-switching-on moments of my existence so far.

Moment 1: No recollection, just a confirmation from Amma and a photo from kindergarten. Me in my then favourite outfit; a pair of corduroys, tee, maroon suspenders and a goofy smile.

Moment 2: I remember this one, the “fancy dress competition” has me in a cowboy outfit, complete with a hat and a fancy buckled belt. Of course, I didn’t win… Not that I cared.

Cut to middle school –

Moment 3 – Never did manage to learn anything from her in history class, although I still remember her smile when I told the story of having dreamt of being Tipu Sultan and being jolted out of it by the history teacher in class… Ah yes, people laughed alright.

Moment 4 – Never did learn any throws in the dojo… Was fascinated by her curls, then forced myself to think of her brother. Ok, I shall stop counting the moments now.

High school:

First day, first year – Me wishing the giggly ones noticed more than just my Archie tee.

Second year – Me to one of my three ‘best buds’ – “So I saw you and your cousins at the café.”

Them – “And you saw her cousin brother as well? Aha!”
Me, in my head, “I thought I only saw her other cousin… Pretty sure wasn’t him”.

Two months later, hear myself saying during one of our bare-thy-soul telephone calls, “Yea… I think I kind of like him,” without ever having met, spoken to or thought of ‘him’.

Last year – countless ribbon noodle lunches later, one of the other three asks me “But, you didn’t tell us about the one you had this thing for?” Me – “Huh? Oh, the one on the badminton team looks kinda interesting with his blue sweater.” Didn’t think it had anything to do with me being distracted by the one who sat in the third bench and could sing the entire Sahasran?ma’1 in that choir voice of hers.

Enter the no-uniforms-world: Dared not look at the ones acing Sanskrit tests in the morning and hanging around with the “dudes” later.

All the while going through different coloured karate belts, during which I waited eagerly to learn that new kata from her… And then to maybe spar with the other her and wake up and get spiffy just to show her my love for cycling… Not to forget, being shouted at by the sensei for smiling at her during the knock-out round(managed to get a consolation fourth place though).

Well… Need I go on? I think I heard someone ask, “What’s your point? Out with it already!” Maybe this is just a story my head made up or maybe it’s not. Have I finally seen the “light”? I am far, far away from it.

I still think twice before going in and chopping my hair off, or wearing my comfortable pair of jeans and walking down to the grocery store. There have been at least two instances where I have decided to respond curtly to a friendly co-worker, thanks to my paranoia. And of late, I think twice before sharing tracks I love. It is just different now; an annoying sense of hesitation, coupled with a crazy urge to unabashedly “confess” from the rooftops.

The more I throw myself out there, the more I end up analysing the “right” and “wrong” of it. I keep telling myself that it’s all something that I am making up in my head… And that it really wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t matter to anyone else… But sometimes, irrational fear gets the better of me.

So yeah my point being, I will wait it out… Maybe “they” will decide that it really shouldn’t matter to anyone else and will just let us be.

Foot note:
1. Sahasran?ma' is a Sanskrit term for a type of Hindu scripture in which a deity is referred to by 1,000 or more different names

About the author

asterixnme

Usually have nothing to say about anything...half the time, scared of being accused of plagiarism 'cos someone else's song keeps running in my head.