Why are you reading this post? I know that you feel ‘different’, which explains your perusal of this post.. Huh! Why would people who claim to be ‘normal’ or atleast adorn the garb of normalcy read this? Wouldn’t they spend their time conferring about the upcoming cinema or may be smart phones, gadgets and of course the shenanigans over their Facebook crushes? Well, enough of sarcasm!
You are trying to find how you are different from the others. The question that plagues you day and night is, if it is alright to be ‘different’? Wondering did you really sign up a contract in heaven or in hell, before you were conceived to come in this world which accepts only heteronormative as normal.
I did too, you know, wonder. Always. Now, that I am reaching my thirties, I feel much better in my skin the way I am. With all my imperfections and perfections! I hope your time would be worthwhile when you read this. This was my way of finding out what I am. Trust me, no one came to help me!
At a certain age this hetero-normative society starts expecting that you ‘like’ or you know start developing ‘feelings’ which are romantic. It is expected of you to start developing romantic crushes towards some people( of course of the opposite sex) in your school or class. Also accepted and expected is to develop crushes towards your teachers, movie stars, even some incestuous crushes. But, then if you do not develop these crushes on people with the opposite sex, you are doomed! The uncomfortable feeling of not being able to fit into the accepted social milieu, of knowing that you feel the same romance for the same sex as yours, leaves you in a difficult predicament. Right? So, we start hiding ourselves behind anything, may be studies, may be music, or we just go with flow. Deep down feeling really burdened with all the things we need to do just to fit in! Resulting into feeling tired, feeling angry, feeling lonely…isolated…unwanted.
So, you know when this age came into being for me, I liked no one! But, then being Indian, I was always taught to be ambitious. Therefore, I spent my time studying, getting ready to crack entrance exams. So, you see one phase of my life passed away in the pursuit of respectable marks. I was always ridiculed as to who I like in class, but then I was not so-called-feminine person. People were afraid of me, as I was intense (not that it has reduced) and seriously stronger than all boys in my school. Questions such as ‘Do you like so-n-so?’ did not reach me so easily!
Thereafter came higher secondary, where people really start getting into relations and have very strong as well as serious crushes. I did not have any crush at this time, but, did it matter? I did not think so! It did not, as we are also busy studying for future. Isn’t it?
I clearly remember, may be that time I was in the 11th standard. Me and my few friends were talking about their crushes and their so called future husbands. It was at a point so annoying that I blurted out, that why don’t you discuss future wives? One of my friend said that I must never say something like that out loud. But, didn’t I know that already? I just wanted them to stop all their discussion as it was vexing me way too much for me to keep quiet and listen. According to me it was a valid point. Because, I used to think that, and still think that marriage has to be between people who love each other. Not for any other damn reason! Anyway, back to the story. So, me being a good girl, I got into a very prestigious college, and started staying in a hostel. Well, being different is not at all ‘great’ when you are surrounded with square mentality! In the first year, I was accused of being ‘gay’ because I dressed like a tomboy, did not flatter any boys’ ego, nor discussed any guy with my hostel mates, who were all girls. I got to know of these accusations in my second year! I then did a whole U turn; changed the way I dressed, got a very feminine hair cut, feminine clothes, started giggling against my wishes, thew around a bunch of lies that I liked a few guys (did I ever even like them? NO ) Things started to become normal as I was being seen as normal by them. I became friends with a few people and so stayed friends with them till the end of college.
Still the question remains… Did I develop any crush or like anyone romantically? NO. I got a job, then after a few months my mother passed away. I was devastated emotionally and felt weak. I wondered, that why did I not even give a thought of having anyone in my life. I have always wanted a person to love me, never a guy or girl. A person! When I came out of my phase of depression which was pretty self destructive, I started questioning myself. I now knew as a definitive that I did not like boys sexually as well as romantically.
But, then did I like girls in that way? This is when I started exploring stuff online. Looking for answers on my own, trying to get an explanation to the unsure labyrinth of emotions and feelings which were not out in the open to fathom and make sense of.
Where can you seriously go with questions? That too anonymously? Internet. I am so thankful that internet is here. So, I started exploring whether I liked girls, you know in that way! I watched lesbian movies, browsed lesbian websites, saw many nude women (off course online) and read many gay romance books on kindle. I read books a lot, but books under romance category did not exist in my dictionary, then. But, I did read them while reaffirming my sexuality. I did not feel any attraction towards women. I felt nothing.
Now, this was serious! I felt no attraction whatever to any of the sexes! Woah! Wait, what I am supposed to do? Am I suppose to compromise and stay alone? If I don’t get attracted to anyone, then the ‘pheromone’ does not work at all for me! This was scary. What does work for me? I still wanted a person to love me. I wanted love but I am not attracted to a particular sex. This lead me to a deeper investigation into other alternate sexual and romantic behaviours and patterns. After analysing many personal incidences, watching you-tubers talking, reading articles, I now know, for sure, that I am ‘asexual‘. I just don’t get attracted to any of the sexes! But I do need love. I do need the warmth of another person.