Eyes On Me

The driver replied they were thinking there’s a woman sitting and all of them (the other driver and three passengers) were trying to catch up the pace to stare at you.

divya

Today, I was going for my choir practice (yes I’m a part of India’s first gay choir group, Rainbow voices). On my way, while I was in an auto rickshaw, another one was driving just next to us. Busy on my phone, I didn’t notice what was happening. When all of a sudden my driver shouted, “Marad hai. Mud mud k dekhne ki zaroorat nahi. Agey badh.” (He’s a man. No need to turn your heads. Go ahead.)

That caught my attention. I asked him what had happened. The driver replied they were thinking there’s a woman sitting and all of them (the other driver and three passengers) were trying to catch up the pace to stare at you. I felt safe for that man defended me when other men were ogling at me.

Hence, I’m gonna write this post to all the men and women (yes women too) who always turn their heads back to me to see and gossip about me wearing makeup.

Many look at me, laugh at me, gossip about how I look and get disgusted by my presence. I don’t care. For I exist and just like you have your choice of wearing burkha, salwar, gown or top and jeans, just like you have a choice of wearing shirt and trousers, dhoti or lungi, suit and tie, T-shirt and jeans, vest and shorts, etc., similarly I have a choice of wearing whatever I want.

Giggle behind my back or look at me with surprise because there’s nothing more that you can do.

Vacate all the seats when I sit somewhere, go away from me like I’ll spread my “disease to you”. I don’t care as long as I have my seat and you don’t bother me.

Be confused. Call me he or call me she. For that matter, call me ze if you want to! I am the best of all worlds, or shall I say genders. I just don’t go by any defined gender. I am free of the socially constructed categories.

Call me a whore, call me a slut, call me a hijra, call me an eunuch, I don’t care. For every word that you think will be derogatory to me, it only gives me strength to live and makes me stronger than ever. It is you who try to cage me in categories. Boundaries that I refuse to abide by.

Your hate towards me only reflects your personality and not how weird I am. For everything that exists in this world today was once something weird for others. Perceptions change everyday. I know who I am and that’s what is important.

For every hate you sent my way, for every name you called me, for who I am, I wish I could rip your heart out and crush it under my six inches heel as you have always tried to make my life hell. But I am much better in taking revenge. I will let you live and let you rot in your skin while you see me live a victorious life. A life not governed by your rules. But a life of free will and autonomy.

And to all of you out there who can dare to walk beside me or choose your own path, that which no one has ventured on before, and as long as it makes you happy and it doesn’t harm someone else, be assured, that you have my support and so of many others who dare to be different. Let not this world tell you that you are not beautiful. You are all gorgeous my darlings.

 

About the author

Wanderer

22, androgynous, social activist, blogger, animation lover, aspiring photographer and spiritualist.