Hear one, hear all. As is becoming growingly apparent, there are a lot of maladies plaguing our society, threatening to destroy everything, as we know it. The biggest problem of them all is those blatantly flouting our holy heteronormativity—the homosexuals. Fortunately, this is a treatable malady. It has cures. That’s right. Not just one cure; it has several. If ever one is encountered with a homosexual, please to use/advocate the use of any or all of the treatments prescribed below. Our society needs all the saving it can get.
Holy Christian cake- A cake baked over prayers of devout Christians can instantly chase the gayness right out of the gays, in a very gay fashion no less. A Dallas-based pastor has tried and tested this method with flourishing results. A ‘cured’ man, who used to hang out at a gay bar, fed its owner (also gay) an anointed cake. So powerful was its magic that it snapped him right out of any interest in other men.
Hypnosis and self-help- This unique and powerful method has been perfected by the Russians, right from when Russia was the Soviet Union. According to psychotherapist Yan Goland from the city of Nizhny Novgorod, the treatment is a three-step process. The first step involves “extinguishing” an individual’s same-sex attraction through a mixture of hypnosis, psychoanalysis and identity therapy. This potent mixture works by reshaping a person’s dreams. The second step is to forge an attraction to the opposite sex. Goland orchestrates this by encouraging gay men (the one section of society that was not doing this) to engage actively in the sexual objectification of women. The final step is to have sex with someone of the opposite gender. This meticulous process has completely cured 78 gay men.
Holy water- How better to cleanse oneself of all sin than getting dragged inside a church and being bathed in holy water, amidst prayers. This method has cured several homosexual youngsters in Russia. This method is not geography-specific; it will work in any church across the world.
Psycho-educational model- JONAH or Jews Offering New Alternatives for Healing is a counseling center whose brain-child is the Psycho-Educational Model for Healing Homosexuality. Most of their healing processes include cuddling and props like oranges, handcuffs, baby powder and duct tape. JONAH has designed all processes around curing childhood trauma, which is the root cause of same-sex attraction. Once these traumas are healed, homosexuality just disappears like a whiff of smoke.
Yoga- Renowned yoga guru, Baba Ramdev, has found the solution for homosexuality. According to his research, homosexuality is a bad case of addiction and hence, needs disciplining of the mind. Yoga, through various breathing techniques and meditation, is the best way to cure a homosexual mind and even, to prevent a normal person from turning homosexual. He has even extended a gracious invitation to the entire gay community to come to his ashram and get cured. What a generous soul.
Staying away from sports- While there are numerous cures to homosexuality, it is important to also focus on preventive measures. A pastor in the United States has urged all parents and grandparents to watch out for their athletic daughters since the homosexual agenda is out to turn all the girls into lesbians. After all, homosexuals cannot reproduce and so, they will recruit. The first indicator is always a switch in hairstyle. Beware of the cropped-hair women.
Fret not, ye phobic folk. It is true. Homosexuality is out there, looming and waiting to pounce. But you are safe. No homosexual will be dazzled by the brilliance of your life, fall hopelessly in love with you and hold you captive.