I have been writing articles and blogs since 2010. It has always been a cakewalk for me. Thoughts were so organised that I never had to struggle aligning them. I am surprised at the kind of pieces I wrote till date; insightful and heart-touching. Today, things are way different. My writing may have evolved and the choice of words may have improved, but it seems that my thoughts have silenced themselves. For me, writing a research piece is far easier than to express my feelings on a piece of paper.
During my free time I wander in my past hoping to find a solution to this. It kills me to feel so much but not to be able to say anything. It is surprising for a wordsmith to not be able to weave personal feelings smoothly. I earn my living by doing so. How hard can it be to express myself, isn’t it? As I write this piece, I feel like vomiting every thought that’s there. I want to free them and let them come out, uncensored and unapologetically, so that the world could see the real me.
I was a teenager when I discovered about my sexuality. With not much access to unconventional thoughts and people around, I carved my own journey by reading newspapers. I educated myself about the terminology and their meanings. I closely monitored every move in the West and their arguments. There was a point when I thought I was the only one who is attracted towards the same-sex. That feeling was heartbreaking. Then, there came an article that said being a homosexual is not a mental disorder. Such a relief!
Also, that was the time when I was falling in love with words. My not-so-happening life in a small town made me express my turmoil feelings through words. It’s a different story that my feelings were deep hidden in words and they mostly shouted out my desire for love. Then, like any normal teenager, I was introduced to porn, though they never fascinated me for my aim was something different.
I clearly remember when I first dreamed about a family. It was the day I read about WHO report and how homosexuality is not a mental disorder. Sitting in my bedroom I decided that I will get married to a guy, have a small house, have kid/s and a pet (mostly dog), and will live happily ever after. I wanted to be the woman of the house who cooks and takes care of the family. When my husband will come back home, I will serve him tea and we will discuss our day. We will watch some TV and then I will prepare dinner. On weekends, we will either stay at home watching our favourite movie or would go out in the park with kid and pet. Silly me!
I was all happy and gloomy in own bubble until I moved to Pune. I had fair idea about online chat rooms but for the first time was involved in this. I still remember how nervous I was when I met someone via one of the chat rooms. I wanted to experiment and decided to take a shot. Well, it ended in a minute and I rushed out, cursing myself for doing so. Won’t deny some incidences, here and there, but was never deeply involved in it.
During my initial days I realised that gays are perceived as a substitute to women. It burst my bubble and I was brought back to the reality. For a small town naive guy, Pune was a metro city; a liberal city where people were open-minded and accepting. I still laugh at myself whenever I think of that. So, I realised that finding a life partner won’t be as easy as I dreamed off.
I remember when I opened myself up to some close friends in college (at least that’s what I thought), I was unaffected. Little I knew that my sexuality can act against me and people would gossip about you. Some gossips did reach my ears, but I disowned them confidently. From inside, I started to break. There were few people who tried to use me; one of whom I clearly remember. He emotionally fooled me and was only aiming at getting physical. I am thankful to God that I restrained myself from doing so, because of my small town thoughts.
I even tried to attend few gatherings only to realise that I don’t fit in there. I am not as handsome as others are, or don’t belong to their community, was not extrovert and our ideologies never matched. Well, that again pushed me back a little. The remaining work was done by my relatives and friends who constantly disowned my modern thoughts and ideologies or even tried to outsmart me or use me at their convenience. In no time, I had closed myself from the outer world restricting any sort of communication with them.
I gradually learned to enjoy my solitude, but for how long I can cheat my long-desired dream. It kicked in again and I kept reminding it that the world out there is not what I always dreamed about. There are divisions and classifications within the community and I can’t find a space where I fit in. My habits, my preferences, choices, ideologies and thoughts are total alien to them. Whilst I am fascinated by someone’s personality and perspectives, they judge me by my appearance.
I am turning 32 this year and it will be exactly 20 years when I dreamed about a normal life with my husband. My journey so far has been a roller coaster ride for me. I have pulled myself out of horrifying thoughts, time and again. I had experienced setbacks and terrible comments by people, constant questions and pressure by relatives to get married, finding a space for myself in the society, and holding up my dignity, my self-confidence. I am not sure what future has it for me, but whatever may come, I am sure I will win that battle as well.