It was always there, within me. Trying to speak up, trying to get recognition for what it truly was. It somehow started growing. It was growing within my mind, tearing all deep knit bonds and trying to figure out a broader horizon for itself. I never knew what it is; I never even intended to know what it truly meant. All I knew was that it kept on increasing my urge to discover the reality. I’ve always been an introvert, even when it came to questioning myself. Somehow, I could never do it. Rather, I never dared to. I was afraid of the consequences. After all I was merely 12 that time!
Things weren’t easy when I was a child. Maybe I was expected to behave as if I was pampered and well fed. Things were never the way they seemed to be, in actuality. I started exploring the traits and characteristics which were trying to feed upon my regular behaviour. These feelings were not so familiar, rather these were quite strange. I felt as if I was being forced to act the exact opposite to what Mother Nature had in store for all the other boys around. I wanted to tell my mother about these newly discovered traits. I was scared that she might scold me in public (something that I never liked, and something that I still do not) or maybe complain about it to my “Mama”. This fear kept me in a glitch until I turned 17.
College! Aah, the place where I always wanted to get into and make my life all the more, merrier (that’s what I’d heard). Silly girlies! Who looked at them anyway? Was I interested in asking them about the dilemmas they faced whilst travelling? Was I remotely interested whether the red top actually matched with the brown jeans that she’d worn? Gosh! How dumb and silly could these species get? I felt the breeze, slowly touching my face and leaving behind his scent. Even now, when I think of it I wish I could have seen who It was, why was that scent so pleasant enough to get my attention? I wish I had known.
They say feelings don’t develop so easily. They also say that this is a mental block in my head that needs to be curbed down before it turns out to be venom. Some even think of it as a disease. I wish India could be more of a “intelligent and a practical country” than still being “a developing country”. How I wish that people would be more comfortable to see M-E-N walking on the streets, maybe as two M-E-N who are so much in love, rather than watching two M-E-N trying to kill each other at the country's borderline. How I wish there’d be no logic behind every little thing that happens for a reason and the amount of analysis that goes behind it. How I wish to make people understand that I am “normal” and this is not a mental block in my head, neither is it a disease which could be cured by a psychiatrist or a counsellor. It is quite a natural phenomenon that occurred when i was born and it exists within me since the time I realized my individuality, my sexuality!
To those who love me, would always do. To those who would change after reading this, Well, I bet you wouldn’t find someone like me ;) (winks).. To all those who’d support me after reading this, Mwaahz to all of you I wouldn’t expect a greater deed out of you! Cheers! People who have always cheered me throughout have been tagged below :)
