I’ve had the privilege of being the straight voice of Gaysi for a year and a half now. I’ve listened to coming-out conversations. I’ve met openly gay people. I’ve attended the launch of a book about gays in India. I’ve faced my own conflicted confusion and resolved it. I’ve even been hit upon by a gay person. This is all me and how homosexuality fits into my head.
With Section 377 and Indian Gay Prides, my world mirrors the world around. People are talking now, yes. Some agree, some don’t but at least it is being acknowledged. Ordinarily, I should have been an indifferent observer since I’m not gay myself. But I’ve been drawn into the world of these questions, first by friends closetted-suspected-gay, then the blog and finally all the other people and associations that happened as a result. It’s changing my life.
Being a straight and gay-friendly person is not as easy as it looks. Having sorted out (mostly, I hope!) where I myself stand on the issue, I find there’s a whole new can of surprises (and now, let’s not call them all worms) opening up. Some I resolve, some I rationalise and on some, I’m still ambivalent. The list has the four most important areas of my life, which is a good indication of just how big the question has become even for a supposedly uninvolved bystander.
Family
When I first started writing for Gaysi, I worried about what my parents would think. They could be tempted to associate my still single status, my fiery (often anti-male) behaviour with possible queerdom. It took a lot of self-examination before I could stand by my belief without righteous indignation and only a rational stating of facts. I’m happy to say it went through quite smoothly. It’s possible that they may be thankful that I’m only writing about homosexuality and not practicing it but I’m willing to live with that.
Love life
The average Indian male seems to be homophobic, this is true. At some point of time, the question of homosexuality comes up (it has been in the news after all). I’m in a dilemma when I come up against homophobia. I have friends who are gay and to be involved with someone who may not treat them right, doesn’t feel right. On the other hand, I also wonder if this topic is like politics and religion, where differing viewpoints can be respected and need not interfere in the relationship. Should homosexuality be a deal-breaker in a straight relationship? That doesn’t sound fair to me.
Friendship
Before introducing a straight friend to a gay friend, I make sure to mention the gay orientation. It’s not part of the general description to make a person interesting (“She’s a film-maker. He speaks 5 foreign languages”). It’s a veiled safety-clause that says, I’m telling you this beforehand so if you have a problem with it, say so now or forever hold your peace. I hate having to state that since in an ideal world it shouldn’t matter. I know it smacks of underhanded discrimination but I’m rationalizing it as a practical solution.
But even this is complicated by the fact that a lot of straight people are not homophobic as much as homo-apathetic. That’s until they’re faced with a situation and then their reactions could go anyway.
Recently, I introduced a gay friend to my companion at a party. It turned out they stayed close to each other and my gay friend offered my companion a lift. Later that night, he called me in a huff. It transpired that in conversation during the ride, my straight friend had asked,
“Are you hitting on me?”
Now it could be that my companion was just joking. Or he may have been serious whereupon it might have been a deep-seated phobia or just an innocent misreading of signals. My gay friend on the other hand, prides himself on being able to discern the gay strain in others, even through confusion or outright denial. He might have been on track there or he might have been mistaken.
It’s an awkward situation for me in the end, even though I wasn’t even a part of the conversation. They’re both friends and I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to think about who is closer and who I may have to, eventually, let go.
Professional life
This hasn’t actually posed a problem but I’ll add a ‘yet’ to that. I had a coming-out experience of my own kind recently when I dropped my five-year long anonymity and revealed my identity to my readers. The worlds of social media, writing and work are merging and I’m finding it more practical to consolidate than to compartmentalize. My blogging activities are now ennumerated in my resume. No organisation will openly admit to being gay-unfriendly. But I’ve been a woman in the corporate world and I know all about biases and prejudices that are never acknowledged but hinder you anyway. I wonder whether I’m setting myself up for yet another one of those and I’ve been tempted (several times) to take Gaysi off my list. It’s the easy option but each time I hit delete, I also get that bad feeling in my head that feels like cowardice.
In each of these situations, I’m faced with the question of how important this issue is to me. I’m not gay, I’m not a close relation of anyone who is (that’s to say, I’m not living with or supporting anyone who is). Why then should I bother? Because it’s the right thing to do, this is true.
But there’s just this much I can do. And while I will never endorse discrimination, I often wonder if I can just pipe down instead of crusading for a quest I’m not even a part of. In this world of so many sins, I must pick my battles. Homosexuality is on the list but I can’t honestly say I’ll always have the courage to keep it there.
” On the other hand, I also wonder if this topic is like politics and religion, where differing viewpoints can be respected and need not interfere in the relationship. Should homosexuality be a deal-breaker in a straight relationship? That doesn’t sound fair to me.”
The question is how much of a homophobe is the person? Does he merely feel uncomfortable around LGBT? Or is he the kind of person who believes that we should be denied equal rights because of our sexuality? If it’s the former, then it’s not such a deal breaker, but if it’s the latter – it’s an absolute deal-breaker. I wouldn’t date someone who thought that someone from (for example) another religion should be treated with inequity. And religion is more of a choice than homosexuality is.
“But there’s just this much I can do. And while I will never endorse discrimination, I often wonder if I can just pipe down instead of crusading for a quest I’m not even a part of. In this world of so many sins, I must pick my battles. Homosexuality is on the list but I can’t honestly say I’ll always have the courage to keep it there.”
When I first read this, I felt betrayal and slight anger. But I realised that I am here anonymously. I support gay rights and blog about all of this with my anonymity intact. Granted, it’s to ‘protect’ my parents rather than my job, but it’s still a layer of protection. So I completely understand your stance.
@Broom: I think that’s a valid point and one I’m going to keep in mind the next time I date. While an opinion could be respected, a discriminatory attitude (towards anyone) is alarming and avoidable. Also, I was really relieved to read the second part of your comment. I wrote this post last week but I was unsure whether to put it up or not because I knew it would be hurtful for at least some of my close friends to read. I’m so glad that you see where I’m coming from and that itself makes it easier for me to stand by what’s right.
I was thinkin about the exact same thing a couple of days ago, and I realised that in my entire life I have met one man who is not a homophobe. And he happens to be a friend who i consider my brother.
And its happened so often that I’ve liked a guy, or been interested in him ( a little at least) and then he makes anti-gay comments after which I’m totally put off. And I’m sure that would’ve been the case even if i were a 100% straight.
Intolerance has a million different forms & being intolerant towards one kind of person (or a community) doesn’t preclude you from being intolerant towards an entirely different person, cause or community.
Who knows what he’s going to be against next? I for one don’t want to end up with a bigot.
And while I agree that a person is entitled to him opinion, even if it means him being vehemently against homosexuality, I certain wouldn’t want to be with someone that intolerant.
And one thing I’ve never understood is why people are uncomfortable around gay people. How is a lesbian any more predatory than a straight male?
Friendship- so your (alleged) straight friend knew your gay friend was gay, stood by him all night, accepted a ride home from him, and then asked if he was being hit on? It sounds like he really wanted to be hit on! That doesn’t necessarily qualify him as gay, though. I know plenty of straight guys who ‘tease’ because they love the ego boost. “Please look but don’t touch.” It doesn’t do much for his straight claim, either.
I really enjoy reading blog posts here on Gaysi, but again don’t feel the inclusiveness in the binary world of Straight and Gay portrayed.
My two pence, is that we gotta stop being biphobic too. Being bi isn’t as easy as people make it out to be. The straights think you’re slutty and they gays think you’re spineless or secretly straight. Don’t you think it would be easier to be an extreme?
Thank you for being a vocal ally, it is so important that we allow the lines of communication to be open – always.
I agree with you Apphia, but I think of myself as bi and i’ve written a couple of posts on gaysi about it, and the reactions haven’t been entirely unfavourable. Yes, there’s a mindset which needs to be changed, which I think will happen slowly. But like you, the first thought I had was that gaysi was only about lezzies. So I thought I’d post my feelings, and it wasn’t all bad. Look around a bit more.