It’s that time of the year again, and pride is just around the corner * check out Gaysi’s Pride Festivities section *. Since pride is all about the spirit of tolerance and non-discrimination, I have one grouse to pick with the gay community.
Dear Gaysis (& firangaysi), why is bisexuality such a problem?
There was a post on Gaysi a year ago, and the comments section attracted a bit of discussion about bisexuality- not very positive discussion, if I may add.
And I know that’s it’s probably the oldest cliché in the LGBT book, but its true- you’re attracted to/fall in love with a person. Not a sex. At least that’s true for a lot of people. It isn’t always about escapism, or about denial, because sometimes people don’t care for tags or notions.
To the straight world, bisexuals are promiscuous or commitment-phobic, or come straight out of pornos. To the gay community they’re either unwilling to come out of the closet, or merely experimental. Either way, they don’t fit in.
When the gay community tells straight people it’s all about love & expect them to understand & be less judgmental, isn’t it a bit hypocritical to call a bisexual things, or attribute his or her preferences to denial or escapism? If the Ls & the Gs are going to demand conformity (asking them to choose between being straight & gay), then the vast majority are going to ask the same of LGBT.
Just like everything else in life, there isn’t always a black and white, there are a million shades of grey too. Things aren’t always how we like them, nor are they always within our understanding. Which is not to say that they don’t exist.
I’ll speak for myself. I’m not a very girly girl, but I like girly women. The kind that has long, dark hair and wears dresses and the like, but I also like men- talk, dark, extremely masculine men. And this has been on for some years now. Which means it’s not an in-between, making the transition from straight to lesbian phase. My fantasy of a threesome isn’t me with two men, or with two women, my greatest fantasy is a threesome with Jennifer Beals & Sendhil Ramamurthy. And I’ll be with someone I want to be with, dick or pussy. So sue me, I’m a dirty (traitorous) bisexual.
Seconded!
Before the bi-goted comments start pouring in (and I’m sure they will), congrats on this bold piece, and keep writing!
Jane Doe: Like I said in the post you referred to (& I hope that my comment wasn’t ‘bi-goted’!), a lot of people use the label ‘bisexual’ for themselves when they’re just starting to come out of the closet.
This is why, in general, there is a lack of credibility towards people who identify as bisexual.
And gaysi is for lgBt – so please forgive us if you felt that any of us didn’t fully support you.
PS. Welcome to the team.
Broom, your point is well taken about some people using the term bi when they are in the early stages of coming out as lesbian or gay.
But there’s also the opposite phenomenon that dates back to the lesbian-feminist movement of the 1970s and continues to this day: acute biphobia in the lesbian community pressures bisexual women to identify as lesbian when they’re with female partners, in order to be taken seriously and not be dismissed as tourists or ditzy dabblers. And if, goddess forbid, they later end up with men, they are reviled and scorned as traitors and ‘hasbians’.
Since you’ve said that initially you’d categorize yourself as bisexual, I will concede that it is obviously something that people do often. However, not everyone is that way. There’s this need among people to classify others as either straight or gay. While at a period of time I may identify as gay and be in a hetero relationship at some other point, if you take into account my sexual/romantic history and find that I’ve been with both sexes, is the fact that i’m bisexual still under dispute?
What Kinsey says is true though. The whole traitor thing even happened with Tina in the L Word. And like Papi said “We spend our whole lives fighting not to get judged by who we sleep with…” So why judge, is my point.
Also, thank you! I’m super overwhelmed by the response. (And the tee)
Great piece Jane. I will share a honest yet unpopular opinion. I totally understand and sync with you when you said “hypocritical”. I have found some prejudice in the Q community on anyone who is not a B or T. While most of the reasons can be attributed to ignorance for a “holier than thou” attitude, I think some of the blame is also because Bs and Ts find it a little extra tough to come out, even to our own brethren. This can be viewed like a “chicken and egg” problem, where one can say, “how will we get to know you until you are out” while It is equally acceptable and defiant to say “How can I come out when I know you are not accepting of me even though you are Q yourselves”. I think one does not justify the other. That said, most of the Q folks are very openly accepting of everyone and can see beyond themselves and accept everyone. I have always wondered why there haven’t been much posts here or elsewhere on Bisexualism. Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you would be able to contribute more on gaysi and educate us all.
Thank you. I’m in agreement with you. In my own experience I’ve found that people tend to disregard bisexuality. When I talk about it with my straight friends, they dismiss it as a phase. Clearly gay people do the same.
“Its true- you’re attracted to/fall in love with a person. Not a sex”
Now I full heartedly endorse the above statement. I myself have used this line like a gazillion times during emotional blackmail scenes. But from personal experience I am a bit weary of B women. The swinging nature makes me uncomfortable. Therefore as a rule I ONLY date Lezzies.
But yes, to each its own!
Obviously, who you date is your business, and when it comes to dating someone, you can pretty much lay down any criteria you want.
Loved it!
Being bisexual..i thought u hit the nail..bang on..
cheers!
Agreed these are real issues but enough breast-beating already. I have heard this rant for 15 years. The more bisexual people come out, the less discrimination there will be. As for marching separately as bisexuals in Pride, just do it if you want to. No one’s stopping you. A big bisexual group banner would be welcome.
Bisexual people come out, but they’re either pushed into the homo bracket or the hetero. No one I know is willing to accept my sexuality.
And I don’t want a seperate banner. All I’m saying is, even if I’m dating a man, I may date a woman tomorrow & I’m still a bixesual. So please, do include me.
Agree with everything you have to say. But my beef is with the incessant need to tag and categorize oneself and everyone else. As long as you clear on what you are looking for in another person between their ears, why does what is between their legs matter?
Totally agree. I anti the compulsive slotting of people into categories. I date whomever I want, I fuck whomever I want.
Gay distrust is rooted both in insecurity and being told repeatedly that only straight people find lasting happiness. Even if you’re bisexual, if you’re in a hetero relationship, you can enjoy the heteroprivilege of, say, public affection, freely discussing your relationship w/o having to worry about attacks (physical or not), and possibly even bringing your guy/gal home to the family.
Gay folks simply cannot experience that with much ease, even in the West.
On a personal level, I don’t think I could ever seriously date a bi. The potential, “Ok, I want a ‘real’ family now, see ya!” scenario is too common and unacceptable a risk for me. But I could easily casually date/roll around with one. That may be homosexist, but that’s where I’m at.
What you’re saying is entirely understandable & who you date is your prerogative.
However, that having been said, a bisexual in a hetero relationship has the priveleges like you say, but like Kinsey said there’s a lot of flak you get from the gay community. Besides no one forgets that you were in a homosexual relationship earlier. Especially if you’re open about your bisexuality.
@Sukhaloka, Kinsey & Sonal: Thank you
One last thought- why is it such a problem if a person goes from a gay relationship to a straight one? There is actually the possibility that person is actually better for him/her than the previous gay partner. I’m sure people do it because its more convenient, but there are those who do it because they love that particular person more.
There are a few celebrities who’ve been vocal about the fact that they’ve had same sex relationships and are currently in heterosexual ones (Angelina Jolie & Laurel Holloman for starters). Since they’ve already let it be known that they’ve been in gay relationships, they’ve already gotten whatever negative publicity is associated with coming out. So its not a foregone conclusion that they’re running away from their gayness.
Also, is it more acceptable if someone leaves you for a person of the same sex? As opposed to one of the opposite sex?
“Also, is it more acceptable if someone leaves you for a person of the same sex? As opposed to one of the opposite sex?”
Heartbreak is a heartbreak right? So NO, it’s not OK.
[…] What confuses me though, is that I still am very, very attracted to men. And while I may write posts about and advocate strongly for bisexuality, it sometimes scares me. Because it’s taken me a […]
Interesting. One would assume that an oppressed class, having suffered beneath unjust systems, wouldn’t propagate them as they would empathize with anybody they themselves tried to oppress. But history accords us with many examples where the oppressed further oppressed others, creating whole hierarchies of oppression. Hell, it’s right within our caste system. I’d try an understand this phenomenon through that lens.
Bisexuality has long been an outliner in even the gay & lesbian movements. Since the primary purpose of these movements was to fight for the right of distinct identities, the adoption of both was, in the start, understood as a dilution of their position, positing a supposed counterpoint to their polemic from within their own sphere, thus greatly weakening their public position. The distrust was kind of natural. I’m sure, that as the movements gained strength, bisexuals, transgerders, and all other manners of Queer people would come to be included within their umbra.
Personally, I feel that bisexuality (or whatever other term you would use to expand it to all the other genders people identify themselves with), will eventually, become the norm. This is founded on a belief, that if we don’t destroy ourselves within the next 100 years or so, we’ll probably be able to culturally advance to a point where the body is no longer the antecedent to an emotional bond. (This is not the death of sensual pleasure, but merely an expansion in our abilities to revel in highly variegated forms of it.)