The Circulating Library!
The first I figured this concept was when I studied as a student in Pune. Given the city and how small it was a decade ago, I figured that it was entirely possible to be connected to everyone under one roof in a romantic/fling fashion. So your ex-boyfriend and current one, with a fling or two and a crush on the side having a perfectly happy conversation, ordering drinks and munching on starters was a regular reality. A friend fondly termed it then as ‘Pune’s circulating Library’ and everyone was fair game! The rules were simple: Dating a friend’s ex – make sure the friend is cool with it. If not, change your group of friends till he/she calms down!
The circulating library concept seems to be one in vogue in the lesbian community: Case of few numbers, fewer single women and yes, off course the attraction of the forbidden. The first advice I got from my first lesbian friend who sat me down the night I came out to her was, “The lesbian world is very incestuous. So the first thing you have to learn is to be friends with your exes and your flings! We are just simply too few in numbers! Get ready for it.”
It wasn’t merely lip service or just random advice. I’ve seen exes hang out with their ex-girlfriends and their current partners without even a mere raising of the eye brow from friends. In fact, some of them have gone out of their way to play cupid for their ex-girlfriend! The rhyme for dating success in the lesbian community could well be –
if the girl you must win,
with the ex-girlfriend you must begin.
Trust personal experience – if her ex-girlfriend doesn’t like you – you ain’t gonna score brownie points! And yes, bitching out your ex-girlfriend –unless she was Cruella the second — is not at all a good idea. She might soon be a part of the same group or dating a close friend and having to eat every nasty thing you said about her could give you a serious case of indigestion!
Nonetheless, it’s a tough art to master – to steel yourself as you watch an ex girlfriend or fling move on with ease and to deal with many such occasions with tact and diplomacy! The knowing that your current crush could have dated every single woman in the room and still be super cool is a skill you must perfect before you jump into the dating scene. Sometimes, it also tests your observation skills and memory in conversation around a dinner table, as you watch the undercurrents of ‘who’s been with whom’ before you open your mouth!
What however seems to weather and tide above it all is the strong bond of friendship. A gay friend who I questioned who hangs out with her ex-and her partner says with much ease and genuineness: “I am happy for her. Her current girlfriend makes her happy. How can I begrudge her that?” And as I watch her dance with her ex or laugh at a common past, I can’t help but agree. Another friend says, “I’ve moved on. She’s moved on. What I share with her is still special and nobody can replace that. If it came to believing me or believing the world – she would listen to me.”
The bond of friendship, having shared something super special – perhaps is enough as to what makes the Ex-Factor a serious reality in our world. The faster you realize that, the better it is for your ability to stay in circulation! And stay well-read.
🙂 🙂
Thanks for laying down the rules..
Rather clarifying them!
I think the het world – as well as other worlds where running into exes/flings/crushes is a more distant possibility – has a LOT to learn from this post!
Fascinating post!! ….but Ulp! Creates much trepidation 🙂 … Will keep this in mind before embarking on any associations lasting longer than 24 hours.
I really wish if it were posted months ago. I had flunked in all these tests already.
Tough Rules. But very true.
Lovely post as usual. Already, I am curious whats coming next.
very true! a very well written and intriguing piece…
Thank you people!
@DK… Pressure! Love it:) They say truth is stranger than fiction! So I guess, the more i experience, the more writing comes off it:)
@Deepsea/QC: Gurls, you are the pros! Am still on the periphery of the Lezz world!
@Sukhaloka: Relationships are equal. In the hetro/homosexual world! So this would perhaps have been my stand even otherwise. Just that in an-all-woman world — becomes even more dramatic:)
I see this a lot with my partner and her exes. Fortunately, I have only ever been with one woman so I haven’t had to deal with this.
I suspect I wouldn’t be very gracious if I saw my ex dating someone else.
🙂
This is tough. I don’t think I’d be too nice to current’s exes. Is it the same all over the world or only a gaysi thing?
The rules are interesting but this not uncommon in the hetero world too. May be not in the desi community but I think its perfectly ok to see your ex dating someone else and be ok with it. If that’s someone you know then its a little awkward initally but given everyone’s an adult, i guess things move on. I think it eventually comes to how bad the split was. I also do NOT think it is healthy to suck up just because the choices are limited. I could have been rather harsh and impractical here !
Rashmi
I totally agree with. Which is why the story began with a reference of the hetro world!
But I have to admit — I am not talking of sucking up here. I am talking about playing it cool and learning to get along with your exes! That isn’t necessarily that important in the hetro world. Me and my ex boyfriend have 150 common friends and he and I don’t talk to each other for two years and we haven’t had a single common occasion to do so!
That may not true for the lezz world — especially if you are trying to be out and about in the community!
the more i study tappy tippy i more i am i am becoming her slave. she has a beauty of body and mind. unfortinately she never gives any attention to elderly lesbians like me