This summer I was part and parcel of the wedding of a person near, dear and true – My sister. With it came all the drama & shenanigans of any Indian wedding. But while I was unfailingly devoted to the cause – Get her and my brother in law married amidst all the ruckus & ballyhoo and come out of it sane ( though that is still debatable ) – I never predicted the varying degrees of discomfiture my queer self would face throughout the entire process that lasted a good 8 months, with particularly brutal intensity in the last 30 days. I say my queer self almost as if it were another part of me. But somehow, and in retrospect it seems incredibly silly of me to think that, but somehow I figured because of that queer self I would never ever want this – A great big fat Indian wedding.
Now I don’t believe in many things – God, Religion, Horoscopes, Astrology, Witch doctors and Ghosts. But I do believe in Love, Family, Civility and Myself. I figure it is ok to valiantly fight on account of the latter four as quaint as it may sound [ and no, I am not a mob wife in New Jersey] The way I saw it in Indian weddings, the things I do believe in get lost amidst the things I don’t and why would I ever suffer through such an antagonizing ordeal should that be the case? And that was how I had it written down in my head. To touch and reassure myself when I made my frequent eyerolls at bridal magazines, gushing newly weds, pomp, custom, tradition and overbearing relatives. Till this summer.
This summer was not easy. My rational reasoned thoughts came head to head with my feelings. Make no mistake, Part of me was still horrified as I watched my poor sister sit through endless ceremonies, grin at a 1000 relatives she disliked and singly change into as many outfits in a few days as all the models in fashion week. But to my even greater horror, my queer hardened heart kept squeaking feelings of a vague and warm fuzzy nature when I saw my favourite aunt look upon my sister and brother in law adoringly. When 4 grown adults very dear to me burst out into tears when the knot was tied. When friends of the family who I hadn’t seen in years yet genuinely liked turned out in hoards to wish these two young kids getting married, well. Suddenly, regardless of the insanity and ostentatious facade of the entire exercise – I wondered if it was all worth it ? Such good will floating around and so much of it directed your way must surely be worth it ? With bizarre clarity, I understood the significance of the oft repeated words of my mother quoting my grandfather quoting William Butler Yeats…
“How but in custom and in ceremony
Are innocence and beauty born?” – (A Prayer for my daughter, 1919)
Such was the positive. I believed in great big fat Indian weddings again. If only a wee bit.
But my utter dismay was not far behind. Every time, A young aunt teased me that I would get the chance to trouble my sister as much when it was my turn to get wed. Every time, a geriatric relative said “I don’t know if I will be around for your wedding but I will bless you from heaven”. Every time my father would put his hand around my shoulders while talking to random Uncle-ji and go “Next time we meet, it’ll be chotu’s wedding!! Ha ha ha!”
Ha-Ha-Ha Indeed. Chotu was crushed. Not since I was 11 and deciphering my queerness and utterly terrified that being gay meant I now had to be a boy because only boys liked girls and I liked girls and I didn’t want to be a boy but I had to now become one because I liked girls – have I sunk into such lowly depths of my soul. “I can never have all of this” – This inanity kept running through my waking thoughts with all the cheeriness of the Sept 08 Dow ticker.
So I tacked onto my post wedding trauma to-do list – “Find yourself again” And guess what I found ? I found that I knew the day I meet and fall in love with someone and realise that I want to spend the rest of my life with them – Come hell or high water. Or laws. Or Anti-gay sentiments. Or any other conceivable hogwash. Because of Love, Family, Civility and Myself – I will have my big fat Gaysi wedding. And you are all invited. As my gaysi family. RSVP below.
I felt exactly the same when my sister got married – still can’t decide if I want to brave that storm! I just watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding the other day, and it kinda made me want to have a wedding – the fuss, the family and all of that seemed so charming in the movie… not so sure in real life!
yay!
Look forward to it..
Yay! You are v brave to want to go thru that!
It’s all good as long as you promise to continue working on my To Do Lists. 😀
I always have a hard time with weddings, because while I am so happy for the couple, it’s always tinged with fear/sorrow that it’s something I’ll never be able to experience. And I think my parents feel that pressure too – they recently went to a desi wedding and they came back fuming because I’m robbing them of the opportunity to put on that kind of show. Also, I’d love to come to your gaysi wedding, but only if I’m allowed to wear a tux instead of a sari 😉
OMG- Everyone wants to come to your wedding QC.
Any thoughts about having a destination wedding as opposed to the standard run of the mill one? After reading your story am hoping u do find your Princess Charming and have your happily ever after 🙂
a gaysi wedding! how perfect! yayy for you!
@Anurag – Absolutely! It all seems charming but in reality can be aggravating as heck. But this gaysi wedding ? Will be big, gay and done my way 🙂
@deepseas, La vida Loca & Jane Doe – Partyyyyyyyyy!
@MJ – Well, I guess I may as well ask you then – MJ, Will you marry me ? I promise to work, love and cherish your to-do lists forever 😀
@Miss Zero – Tuxes are welcome! as are all other costumes! I know parents are filled with sorrow at the fact that there will be no wedding. They somehow seem to think that being gay means growing old alone and remaining single. Bring them along to the gaysi wedding 😀 Show em how its done!
@MochaMadness – It IS a big fat gaysi destination wedding, d’oh ! 😀 Princess charming is out there…somewhere….
Funny you ask me to marry you and then you go around saying “Princess Charming is out there somewhere”…Hello!! ME ME ME!!
Women never truly appreciate now do they?! 😀
Karma’s a bitch!
I love this. Reclaim the wedding sphere!
weddings. just last night i was talking with someone whose girlfriend is getting married – and this someone is very very young – and it hit me how hardened I’ve become. part of it has to do with the way my ex and i had to grapple with her family pressure to get married. part of it has to do with the knowledge that very soon this will be something i’ll have to contend with too. marriage doesn’t signal the death knell to me, as it had once done. (i’m surprised at this – i didn’t realise how far i’ve come up until now)
marriages are social contracts, and if i’m anyway de-stabilising the hetro-normative, what’s another patriarchal institution? bring it on, i say.
@QC: Besties finding the Princess…I looked far and wide and have finally ended up with a Monster instead.
I would both love and hate having a big fat gaysi wedding. I know The Girl would absolutely LOVE it, though.
For me, one wedding (and a subsequent divorce) was enough to scar me, but how wonderful would it be to take the traditional Indian wedding and gaysify it?!
@MJ – I’ll take that as a ‘Yes!’ 😀 oh bugger, now we have to make the parents meet! Oh wait, maybe we should meet before that. amongst other things we need to do 😀 And if I’m marrying ‘you’, i’ll probably need a pre-nup as well. This is complicated. Turnabout is fair play – I’m gonna be sending you a to-do list …
@Anurag – Amen.
@Ruswa – Can you de-stablize the hetero-normative while flashing your Colgate smile to welcome the guests at the wedding ? pretty please ?
@MochaMadness – Monsters aren’t terrible. You are a bit Lady Gaga arent you? Good. Coz I pray to her ! And I’ll probably have her probably ordain the wedding too. God, Priest and Religion with one stone.
@Broom – Since MJ’s your kid ? (till Baby Troom comes along and if it came along before the wedding that would be nice, so The Girl – get cracking! chop ! chop!) u get to give her away – and hence, get creative input on the gaysi-ness of it all. Does that make you my mom-in-law ? ulp!
@QC- Lady Gaga and me.. Hell no! Monster loves her but I couldn’t be bothered about her at all. Wait a minute, here’s an idea Sista, why don’t I introduce you to the Monster instead- I have a feeling u guys will hit it off very very well.
Mmmmmm gaysied wedding! Rainbow zardosi everywhere! Lady Gaga bhangra mashups!!