Sexism has a far reaching impact on behavioral aspects – like a woman is expected to be demure, men are supposed to be protective and chivalrous, the male privilege, the patriarchal society, the career oriented people being men and so on. And India is no less in enforcing these. This thinking unfortunately extends to a lot of Indians who live outside of India but were originally raised here. So I have started doubting if education actually has any impact. For example, I have heard from few Indian straight guy friends of mine complain about the fact that their womenfolk just would not want to return back to India. And they just presume that the family should go back to India and live with his parents. Is it because of the male privilege, Indian straight men do not see the complications that involve in staying close to in-laws? This is even worse if the woman is independent, progressive and career-oriented, isn’t it? Whatever said and done, however big a city one may live in India, I would imagine its a very tough fight for an Indian woman who wants to be a little independent – in thinking and/or actions.
But let me talk about few other things here – something that a lot of people do not think about. Do you get annoyed in India when every sentence ends with a Sir or a Ma’am? I mean every god damn sentence. Not to make things up, I even cringe at times. May be this would not have been so pronounced had I lived here all the while but my American casualness in addressing people with first names has probably spoilt this part of the desiness in me. As my dad says, I have just become disrespectful as other Americans. Whatever that means, my dad providing yet an other topic that we could mutually agree to disagree.
Being a transwoman, I have always hated being mis-gendered. The intensity of the yuckiness is even greater nowadays. Looking androgynous means, I am sir-ed or ma’am-ed and sometimes the pronouns switch in the middle of a sentence and oscillates between. I am just too tired of telling people to call me by my first name. And no body listens. I have been wondering if this is just a sad and bad vestige of our colonial past though – I mean the addressing part? Not having traveled much outside of India and US means I don’t know how it is at other places.
Coming to the gender binary enforcement – At the airport recently, I was asked straight ahead by a security guard if I was male or female. I was very much tempted to say something rude but the smart part of my brain played its part – I just shrugged without saying anything. I ended up on my preferred side for screening. As a person who sees the diversity in every form, I find it hurtful that the common man wants to simplify the complexities of gender. The personnel was just following the protocol their babu of a boss wanted them to do, which essentially pores down from the government. It annoys me, hurts me and pisses me. If I were not trans, I would have been oblivious to this whole binary thing, because to me then it is obvious and natural, right? What other ways should I classify then?; the same way, straight people think it is obvious every person in this planet sleeps only with the opposite sex and makes babies.
A funny observation:
In the hotel I was put in, I came across a pamphlet where they mentioned about a floor reserved for women. It read something like “We have a floor reserved for women with a female security personnel”. Interesting, Isn’t it? That made me wonder what kind of clientele they have in the first place that warranted additional security. Then reading further ” In these rooms, keeping women in mind, we have nail polish, remover, cotton balls, nail flier, ….”. Is this to say that men should not and will not groom themselves? Isn’t this an objectification of women? Or am I just ranting?
Firstly.. Darling, BREATHE!
Secondly – I am a girl, by birth and otherwise. And my short hair still gets me sir-ed or ma’am-ed. It always amazes me and the people I’m with me, cause (thankfully) I am well gifted. So I don’t like the titles either.
Thirdly – About the issues of living with in-laws. It is very subjective to the people involved. Cause mostly we have issues with anyone who gets in our space – parents, kids, in-laws and even the partner. There’s just a varying degree of tolerance we have to each one of them.
Fourthly – The hotel with a floor for women. I’d like that too if I was unsure of the city or area. As for grooming – Well I don’t know too many men myself who file their nails. I’d be grateful if they keep them short and clean! 😉
Fifthly – I don’t know why I’m numbering this! I really did like your post. And I want you to know as different as we are as people, our issues meet somewhere! 😉
Rashmi – I hear you, I really do – I get sire-d all the time too… When I had short hair, it used to piss me off – but now It’d be hard to mistake me for another gender besides female and it still happens – so something is obviously just wrong with all those people in the world. not us.
The gender binary is a tough enforcement – its makes the world claustrophobic for the entire spectrum of queer individuals and by god! that IS a wide spectrum. But its baby steps right? Its only with more positive exposure and talk and popular media coverage is the universe going to reach a point where gender is no longer the category that decides what kind of a person one is. Slowly but surely… hope is still left in the Queer Cupboard.
Sometimes I think Indians living outside India are even more conservative than the (urban) ones in India. Especially the ones that moved away from India two decades ago. I think it’s because their conception of India is frozen in time and a huge sense of nostalgia and idealisation of the motherland kicks in, aided by the fact that they may not completely fit into the country they emigrated to. Of course, the men cling to the old traditions more stubbornly… because, hey, those traditions favour men so much, why would they want to let go of them?
Nevertheless, in India, there are women who have managed to negotiate equalitarian marriages. In fact, I think women who have the privilege of independence and fairly supportive family and friends circles need to buck up in this regard and stop caving in at the least sign of displeasure from in-laws, husband or society. But take heart that there are women who do have marriages that do not oppress them.
The Sir/Madam thing bugs my husband no end. He doesn’t understand why one should have to call one’s boss Sir… neither do I, but I’ve never been in a field where people were called anything other than their first names, even in India. It must be doubly annoying when one doesn’t fit into either category seamlessly. Thankfully in media, we are dropping gendered words like actor/actress, alumnus/alumni…
About the airport queues… I remember on one of my trips back the women’s queue for security check was moving at a snail’s pace while the men’s queue, though longer, was moving very quickly. The reason? They had only one female security offer. All the women started complaining that we hadn’t even been given a choice about whether we wanted to be in the women’s queue. Many of us would have had no problem being scanned by a male officer just to avoid standing for an hour and a half in a queue. Don’t know why they just assume the genders want or need to be separated!
Phew….sigh…… i don’t wanna say any more…….i am resigned to accept that the society(people) will always be imposing its classifications/beliefs on me with every interaction…Only solution wall myself enough to keep me sane and yet live in this society….. Only how much is enough seems to be complicated question…
Yearning to be ma’amed doesn’t bother me much anymore but as I mentioned the usage of the sir or madam in every sentence is irritating.
As for the “moving to India”, I was very pissed off because the person actually complimented some couple he knew and he said something in the lines of “he is lucky, his wife is very nice. she is ok going back”. I was like WTF?
This is what I am taking home from all the post and the comments- “I am awesome and everyone else is crazy” 😀