Unless you are talking about sex.
I am watching and revolting at the latest media spectacle in the United States: Gaybie suicides. My first thought is “Great! The mainstream media finally woke up to a problem that has existed since before I was born. I don’t want to hear about it. Let me get back to my life.”
Glancing through the various stories and pictures brings up residual anger. What makes these kids special enough to draw widespread public support and attention? Of course it is fantastic that they are getting attention but will that transform society in some fundamental way to ensure that it does not happen again? I doubt it so I carry on with life. And my friends cannot understand my apparent lack of empathy or anger.
I’m hiding from the constant stabbing reminder about a time and place I left behind: a Catholic high school in a small island country in the Pacific. I loved her from the moment I saw her but everyone else hated that. I couldn’t quite understand. The closeted nuns entertained themselves by pulling me out of class regularly. My peers did not stop at words—kicking me around like a football was more appropriate. My parents did not know how to act appropriately and dealt me some tough cards. Her parents were worse.
I was weak. The only reference to gay or lesbian was found in the dictionary and it was not a pleasant definition. So I denied who I was for quite a while. I tried to kill myself on several occasions but was saved by people who happened to be in the right place at the right time. I still wonder if death would have made more of a difference than surviving. Maybe there would have been a small story in the newspapers. Maybe someone would have had empathy and put a stop to their behaviour. I’ll never really know whether I made the right choice. But it didn’t put a stop to the bullying. It was just the start.
Bullying continues into adulthood in various forms: white privilege; unjust and unfair laws that target minorities; an immigration system that rips families apart; an economy where the rich get richer and poor get poorer. It is all violence – violence sanctioned by society. The mental and emotional torture continues, albeit in a completely new way. In this interpretation, middle and high school was just a boot camp. The actual war is still lurking around the corner.
It actually does not get better for the vast majority. But that comes with a small and hopeful disclaimer: it may just get way hotter. I’m a pretty happy-go-lucky dyke on most days and I’m not afraid to say that I love women. And some women love me. Sometimes that is enough to make it all better.
Didn’t you make my day with the very last line, cheers!
Most of the times things don’t work as planned. But the point is to keep trying. This is what makes you special. And I aspire to be special. And not just for being a dyke. 😀
You are fantastic. I believe.
Ditto – If women love you, it makes it allll better 🙂
It was great to hear your thoughts and your own story, Prerna.
I feel strongly about this issue but then I don’t. And I wonder what the world and I are both doing wrong, coz obviously if people are still killing themselves – we are screwing up. big time.
I am happy that such issues are being raised in papers but i’m also puzzled aboout how to respond. I feel empathy and pangs of guilt and sorrow when i hear a gay person committed suicide because they felt no choice. I feel like we as a society fail when people take this step. Of course the homophobia in society, parents not understanding and other institutional problems are to blame but i think we , as gay people, are also to blame. It means we were unable to reach out and provide the environment needed and unable to help in some way. I think that it is useful for those who are gay and out or confident to do mentoring for young queer people. Let them know they are valuable and provide a role model to them and show them they can achieve all they want.
People kill themselves because they feel like life is no longer worth living, that they have nothing to live for, and that no one cares. Having a queer mentor and a supportive network of people around them helps solve the first two parts. The third part can be addressed by appreciating people by even the small things they do for you, by trying to make someone laugh and bringing a smile to their face even if you get nothing in return.
Sometimes we underestimate the effect even small gestures can have to others, we fail to appreciate people in our life and the effect a kind word or 2 can have on a distressed stranger or a stranger who reaches out to you.
It’s not just people individually, society has also changed, No one really seems to cares, unconditional love and friendship seem to be figments of a past that no longer exists- for eg. how many friendships resemble the friendship in Sholay, how many love stories are unconditional like they show in movies. Sometimes i wonder i’m expecting my parents and friends to unconditionally love me but do i unconditionally love everything about them.
Mahatma Gandhi was right. We must be the change we want to see in the world.
We should definitely make the prejudices of others be known so that society and people can change but let’s not avoid responsibility for what we should change about ourselves. The wider community is not a 100% supportive environment for young gay people and neither unfortunately is the gay community, the gay indian or gaysi community. The wider community is not supportive with their homophobia, the gay community with their efforts to segregate and categorise people be they bisexuals, transgender ppl or the gulf between gay and lesbian people. The gaysi community has unique issues- there is always the competition of who is “more out,” how we should live our life, and the fact that a lot of gaysi ppl aren’t supportive of each other there is always some judgement.