After years and years (and years!), I can finally say I am comfortable with who I am. It’s been a ridiculous journey filled with lots of u-turns and construction zones, but I’ve finally arrived at a place where my brain and my heart can comfortably work together to be happy with who I am. But what about the desi part?
It’s weird to have to compartmentalize my life so much, but it’s exactly what I’ve done. I’m still in college, so I’m socially bound to hang out with the brown kids. I’m an officer of the Indian Student Association and I’m on the university’s Bhangra team. And let’s be honest, for me, having an Indian community to be part of is just as important as having a gay community to be part of. But at the end of the day, it’s still so hard for me to reconcile those two aspects of who I am.
Increasingly, I’m nervous about my worlds colliding. It wouldn’t be that difficult. While I’m cautious, I do still sneak kisses with my girlfriend on campus, and hold her hand when I think no one is looking. I talk about her with friends that I’m out to, but I’m also the loudest person on the planet, so someone could totally overhear us. When cornered into talking about my love life with someone I’m not out to, I use gender neutral pronouns. I’m not the most discrete semi-closeted queer in the world, partially because I absolutely hate having to hide a part of who I am.
Earlier this week was National Coming Out Day, and all I could really think about is how jealous I am of my gay friends who are out to everyone in their lives. I wish I could put cute pictures of the girlie and I on my facebook. I wish I could just walk down the street and hold her hand. I wish I could just say “No, I’m not free that weekend, my girlfriend and I are celebrating 6 months together”, but instead, I’m silent. I’m silent on so many levels, even when people express their homophobia and close-mindedness. I worry about what the Aunties will say, how they’d treat my parents if they knew, how they’d treat me if they knew, how they’d react if I ever brought a girlfriend home. Or what if they find out, and then years down the road, I end up with a guy? Bisexuality is even more taboo than gayness among the Indians I know. And then there’s my parents. They know, but they act like they don’t. I hate being the child that’s breaking their hearts simply by being who I am. I’m at this point where I’m ready to break down the closet door, Rambo style, but sometimes our cultural expectations make me want to go lurk in the back behind the winter coats.
I’m a gaysi, through and through. I love my girlfriend as much as I love tandoori chicken. And I love that I no longer need to try and justify both of those aspects to myself – I fully accept and love myself. It’s just that sometimes I wish there were an instruction manual on how to do this. In a culture that (still!) can’t even talk with their daughters about heterosexual relationships, how do you bring up being queer? When everyone you know is a “didi”, a “bhaiyya”, an “aunty”, or an “uncle”, regardless of blood-ties, how on earth do you even begin to tell your giant Indian family?
Hi..
I could so relate to that..even though I am a gaysi who’s in India.
Wanting to come out into the open about the person you love..simple things like holding hands and kissing.. and the omnipresent fear about how people will react.. what will my parents go through..
And curently am at a stage where I so want to march out of that closet..Rambo style – to my parents who, I think, know..but dont want to know! But again..prudence wins.
However, there are other people in this space and beyond who have come out to desi parents.. not always the easiest of things but one step at a time..
i am also a college student and i could totally relate to it…
its nice the way you express it all…
It’s hard to accept, but the only way space for gays will be created in India is if gay people demand it. Not many people actually want to hurt their parents, but that’s the gamble they make when having kids. Parents don’t get to order up a kid like a menu item to their specifications: tall, brilliant, and beautiful. I read a story about an Indian mom who was displeased that none of her kids ended up being very spiritual. Instead, her kids did well in the regular world of money and jobs, and that upset her. We all disappoint our parents, but that’s their learning opportunity. It’s the reminder that they are still alive. Life is a challenge, and if someone is oblivious to that, they are likely dead/dull already, psychologically.
It’s no doubt tough to come out, but being in the closet forever is also tough and it strains relationships. If it were really peaceful staying in the closet, then most gays would stay in the closet. The trouble is that it’s a lie we tell ourselves (we are “peace-keepers,” or rather, we are martyrs for a bad cause). We forget that the true disturbance of being unauthentic does damage our relationships. It does so in subtle ways, in which the gulf between us and the other person becomes larger because the lie must be maintained. Self-ostracism is painful. Parents cannot protect their kids from all harm in the world, and neither can kids for their parents.
Summoning Rambo is a good idea if it helps you get through the brief and difficult challenge of coming out. After that, it all gets a lot easier and you can let your softer side be free.
One thing to remember is that even though parents can react with a lot of unhappy emotions and terrible words, they tend to get over it. When a kid comes out, the parents often react with all the conditioned societal garbage that we never challenged. Once they have a real chance to confront all that, head-on, their perspective changes. Gays are no longer an abstraction, it’s a reality of a loved one. Be upfront and say, “I know this will take time to get used to, but I’m here to support you. It took time for me to accept and now I’m ready to help you accept it too.”
Good luck!
Very nice post, misszero! I feel the same way about a lot of what you speak about.
But as I see it – you well on your way to living your life. Having a relationship, Having told your parents, The new roomie knowing etc. – Good on you!
I hope when your two worlds collide – they do so gently 🙂
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Very beautifully articulated. This is something I struggle with a lot. Having a white girlfriend, doesn’t make the dichotomy any simpler!
I know this is an old post but I just found this website (today).
I just graduated college. I felt the pull into both the Indian and the gay community. I’m a part of an Indian sorority (DKD) and active in the LGBT community (eventually an intern at the resource center on campus). I compartmentalized my life on campus and further compartmentalized between my campus life and my home life. Towards the end of my first semester, the DKD girls were wondering where I was always disappearing off to. At the beginning of my second semester, I told the two Sisters I was afraid to tell (including a cousin). Once they reacted well, I slowly but surely came out to all of my Sisters.
They were surprisingly supportive. Over the past two years, I realized that this was the best thing I could to for myself. Even though I’m not out at home, telling the DKD girls helped me fuse my two identities together and become a more whole person. It’s nerve-wracking, so much so that most of them found out over text because I couldn’t do it in person. But it was sooo worth it!
HOORAY FOR GAYSIS ON BHANGRA TEAMS. ME TOO.
BRUUUUUAAAHHH! :p
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