I usually call my mother every alternate day while I walk to work. She always asks me what I ate for breakfast. When I say ‘banana and cereal’, she chides me for not eating something better. I tell her about new movies I’ve watched, she tells me what she did the previous day, what she’s cooked for dinner, who came over last evening, what she watched on TV.
Our conversations aren’t deep and that’s partially because I’ve had to keep myself at arms length from my parents because otherwise it’s just too painful. But there are days when this distance I maintain doesn’t protect me. Like this morning, when I called, she asked me why I was calling so late. I told her that TG had a blood test & so I was delayed.
Normally, if I tell my mother that someone is having a blood test her reaction, as a doctor, is to ask me why and give me advice to pass on to that person about how to feel better (if the blood tests are related to an illness.).
This morning, however, she just said ‘What did you eat for breakfast?’.
Pretending that my partner doesn’t exist has become a finely honed skill with both my parents. I keep trying to bring her up in conversations and they keep changing the subject. Depending on my mood, I react to this by going on with my day with a shrug or I sink into deep depression or I get really angry with them.
There are times when I wish I could just cut off ties and be ‘free’. I know that this is impossible because I love them too much. Then I have conversations in my head where I confront them and tell them how mean and hurtful they’re being. ‘Am I a drug dealer? Am I a prostitute? Am I a bum without a job or a future?’, I demand, in these imaginary confrontations. ‘Where is the unconditional love that a parent is meant to give their child?’, I follow up. All in my head.
In a few weeks time, I’ll be in India. A very tiny part of me worries about what I’ll do if they hide my passport and keep me captive so I can’t come back to this life that they so despise. The more rational part of me knows that they wouldn’t do that.
I do hope that we have some kind of confrontation that’s outside of my head, because I am sick and tired of being the parent in this relationship.
Big hug. I wish I could say they need time (probably do) to get used to it, what to tell the relatives and friends and so on. Unfortunately that means being the adult. Sorry I am not helpful so I’ll just give you another big hug.
Thanks LVL.
*The Tightest of Cuddles, Broom*
Every single word you’ve written resonates in my head. From “Banana & Cereal” to “I am sick and tired of being the parent in this relationship” – God, I feel that way all the time these days.
Its rather fascinating how much parents by not-saying-or-asking-something can reach into one’s soul and repeatedly pinch and needle and incessantly, trouble.
In a few weeks, My mom comes into town. And she promised we would have ‘some sort of confrontation outside my head’ ( I think she said it as “we’ll talk” 😀 )
Hope all goes well in India, I’ll swap you a Gaysi Post for one of your own 😀
Let me know how it goes with your mother. Give me hope.
I am exactly in the same boat. I struggled a lot for the past few years to make my parents understand. Make them accept the fact that I am not single, I am in a relationship, my partner is my family and we deserve the same respect like my siblings and their partners. My parents simply don’t get it. According to them gay relationships are not real relationships. I have tried everything under the sun and finally gave up. My parents tell me “You have chosen to live like this, we are not interfering, don’t expect anything more from us “. They haven’t shown a single sign of progress over these years and are very adamant about their stand.
I told them clearly that I expect understanding and support from them, and this is the chance for them to be there for me, especially since I couldn’t talk about my sexuality and struggles growing up.
I live in the US, my parents are now in the US too, visiting my sister (Who doesn’t talk to me either because her husband doesn’t approve me being gay). They are few miles away from where me and TB live, but we haven’t seen each other. My parents tell me that they will visit me but TB shouldn’t be there when they visit and I shouldn’t talk about him. I told them TB is my family and if they can’t respect that, they are not welcome in my home. It has been 2 years since I spoke to my sister, 6 months since I had a good conversation with my parents, it hurts, but I have learnt to live with that.
There is NO WAY I can continue the “Breakfast, TV, Movie, Work” conversations and being treated single by my own family.
Wow, Shri. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Nobody should treat their loved ones like that.
I really hope things get better for you. Big big hugs.
@ Broom : Thanks. Hugs! 🙂
Broom & QC – Good Luck!!
Shri – 🙁
Thanks Anurag! It sucks, but It doesn’t bother me that much anymore.
I think sometimes we have to suck up our emotions and move ahead with our lives and be happy with what makes us happy. It was sad but also gratifying to hear someone else having the ‘passport delusion’ as I call it. To circumvent it, I made multiple copies of them and also scanned them and all the time I was in Inida, I was playing in my head abt going to a police station and filing a complaint under lost and then getting a new one 🙂 But I felt bad afterwards, because my parents would never do anything like that and so would yours be. They don’t understand but they will not be mean. *A big Bear hug baby*
Broom…
a big hug to u!
it will happen and sooner than you think!
Hi Broom
Hope the tension with your parents resolve and they understand that matches are made in heaven and not earth. The match between you and TG is similarly a match in heaven. I get really frustrated when people bring culture, tradition and religion into it as excuse for homophobia. When we look for someone we look for a soulmate it shouldn’t matter to other people whether they are physically female or male. Finding true love and a life partner who loves you for who you are and does not want to change you is so hard to find…that once we find it no one should make us feel guilty or compel us into thinking we should let it go.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5xnRtoac5I
I think i’ll need to send aunty and uncle this song
…Ishq hota nahin, sabhi ke liye Ye bana hai, ye bana Kissi kissi ke liye .ishq hota nahin sabhi ke liye..Ishq hota nahin, sabhi ke liye. Ye bana hai, ye bana kissi kissi ke liye
besides…you can’t switch true love on and off like a switch. it’s like an eternal flame that always burns brightly.
Ishq par zor nahin hai ye woh aatish ghalib jo lagaaye na lage aur bujhaaye na bane
all the best Broom . ..sending u many jaadu ki jhappis
Bluesky
it makes me wonder if society was more accepting would our parents be more accepting or would we be put into the category of “forbidden” marriages like supposedly inter-regional, inter-religious marriages. They face discrimination but not as much as us. Or would our parents be trying to arrange acceptable marriages for us? There are a lot of things that society permits that aren’t right for eg. dowry..should we blindly follow that?
But i want to give you hope because i believe there are many exceptions to the rule 😀 🙂 I recommend these two books. same sex love in India http://www.galva108.org/samesex.html It really opened my eyes and i think it will also open any parent’s eyes.
ALso this book which talks about same sex marriage in any indian context is an eye opener. I found both 4 years ago and they were eye openers for me. This book talks about support and opposition to it and mentions many stories of parents coming to accept it especially in many lower-middle class families from village areas. There was also one beautiful story about a gaysi couple in the US having a wedding and the father of one the brides writing a beautiful poem that went something like this (from memory) “what are we without love? Love is the casing that gives us life without which we are nothing but a bag of bones and skin.”
definite food for thought for parents. 🙂
http://www.galva108.org/lovesrite.html
what i think we need is more Indian PFLAG groups with Indian parents who have come to terms with their child’s sexual orientation explaining and relieving the fears and doubts of parents who are new to the process or not willing to change their thought process. My parents are in same category and definitely not looking forward to the coming out discussion with them. I think i’ll need 2 years to prepare myself for it..:)
Apparently, we all have the same fears. The likes of Broomy and Shri are training their guts to deal with it. In a year or two, i will send them mine..for training. I could totally repay back with…..erm…science gibberish?