The Social Network : Hey Facebook Me!

Do I have your undivided attention loyal Gaysi reader? I know that the lady folk have seized this website with their ‘clit active’ material but now it is time for us men to ‘RAISE’ our consciousness (nothing else you Pervert, this ain’t that sorta site!!) and as your self-appointed representative, share the concerns, fears and worries that plague us Gaysi men.

So darling boys, log off Xtube or whatever else your ‘dingle’ dangles to and devour this delightful factual account of my experiences in coming out or at least, attempting to come out and the madness and mayhem that follows in my attempt to find Mr. Right.

So where does my journey begin? There are a million events that ensued in the past week and a detailed account of my travails will definitely run into as many pages as Vikram Seth’s ‘Suitable Boy’, but I shall be as brief as my bikini briefs and more racy, titillating and risqué than any steamy session you have had before.

On the eventful night of November 20, 2010, I realized that I couldn’t possibly be the only single gay man in the capital city. Comforted that my identity was hidden under the veil of anonymity, ‘Razorsharp Rolzie’, the boy wonder was launched rather grandly on Facebook to placate the ills that confront us Gaysi’s. Six hours of many ‘make frandsip with me’ requests later, sixty nine men hit me back wanting to try the posture with me. So after much deliberation, the list of potential admirer’s or frustrated men, depending on how  you view the situation, was brought down to five men with controllable libidos!!!

Finally, in true Gaysi style I was going to play the role of Draupadi with my five Pandav’s and unlike Draupadi who cried herself hoarse during the ‘Cheer Haran‘, I was planning to enjoy myself thoroughly during the menage de cinq.

So, dear reader by now I am sure you want to know who the five chosen men were and based on the fact that this is our little secret, I introduce my five pandavs.

Pandu No. 1, lets call him ‘Protector of Gotham City‘ aka PGC, who is as serious as Yudhisthir was the first to befriend moi. PGC has committed to his life to improving the plight of the ‘aam gaysi’, while also pursuing his doctorate in Cock Island, uhh…I mean Cook Island. PGC spent many hours sermonizing on the pathetic state of affairs of Delhi’s underbelly and also shared his love for Pegs and Pints (thumnpa-thumpa seedy bar in Delhi, but more on that later) and wearing red mascara while singing and dancing to ‘Sheila Ki Jiwani‘ and ‘Munni Badnam Hui‘. In reality though, I think he enjoys these two songs with minor tweeks i.e. ‘Sushil ki Yowan Jawaani’ and ‘Munna bandnam Hua‘ ;- p. More on PGC, to follow soon. I wonder if PGC will turn out to be my Batman. I could so be in his Robin!

Now, time to introduce Candidate No. 2…. Our very own Nakul is a total cutie who is inspired by Mrs. Medha Patkar, lets call this boy Mr. But-Kar who is rather hat-kar i.e. different. On second thoughts, Guys/ Girl/ Trannies, lets call him, Mr. Hat Kar- But Kar. Hat-Kar Bat-Kar (“HKBK”) is all of nineteen and has apparently by his own admission done all the single and committed men available on Planet Romeo (more like the face book urr..fuck book for queer men).  Multiple pokes and a week of cyber stalking has made me realise that HKBK is actually a pretty sorted guy, who knows what he wants and is not afraid to go out and get it. While HKBK has shared his number with me, we still haven’t got around to talking on the phone. I am worried that while he may look like Johnny Bravo, he will sound like Minnie Mouse. So it will be like dating Muhammad Ali who tragically sounds like Janice from Friends. EEwwww! Alas, I will only know when we meet up for coffee (or may be more;p) next week. Am excited for now at the prospect of dating a teen. Maybe HKBK will turn out to be my Justin Bieber and I can usher him in.

Boy No. 3, Modern day Bhim and the one I kinda likey already is Mr.  Poori Aloo. This thirty five year old gentleman went to Les Roches to study hotel management, looks like a himbo (for the ill-informed this is the male version of the bimbo and in India, largely traces his ethnicity to the Jat community) and is an entrepreneur. His job profile involves bedding young nubile boys errr…..bodies and eating them for breakfast. Tragically, he still lives in a huge, freaking closet…a motel or in his warped perception a 4 star hotel with eclectic (read cheap) art (read prints). Mr. PA is witty as hell and does know his Pinot Noir from his Merlot and does love his Roquefort, Ricotta, Camembert, however there are certain bits about him (read conceited, self opinionated and border line obnoxious and delusional) that worry me as hell. Unsure at this stage about whether a meeting with Mr. PA is a good idea but I do love my himbos. They make such perfect eye candy and this man is certainly one I want to take around town and devour a few hours later under my gay tree. Unfortunately, I do realize that his obnoxious personality would get in the way of the prospect of a serious relationship, unless being fuck buddies is construed as a serious relationship. Wonder if he will turn out to be like the ramp scorcher Sahil Shroff. In case he does, boy does he have unbridled access to eat my shorts.

Sehdev, Toy Boy Number Four, is the southern spice in my life. This man is a professor of sociology. He is pretty dreamy and is the poster boy for a campaign of going from Fat to Fit and thankfully, not the other way round. Coining his name is turning to be a rather onerous exercise, so lets call him the P’ Cock. P’ Cock claims to be a trained in Kalaripayatu and I can’t wait to get close to his well oiled body but the thought of dealing with his stretch marks keeps me at bay. Jokes apart, P’ Cock shows promise and has been a good sport to many of my insinuating e-mails. Readers, does dating a poor academic makes any sense? …How about investment bankers??? Though must confess I would love to play with P’Cock’s plumes!!!! P’ Cock does sound like a great guy and his being a dancer would imply that he should be able to shake a thing or two, so P’Cock lets shaka laka laka BOOM BOOM!!!

Now comes the last candidate, one who I am least taken in by. Buda the Buddha (B2B), the fifty four year old uncle who tries to get it off with any one who is half his age. B2B has been chasing me all over town and while I am totally repulsed at the thought of a fifty year old pursuing me, his never say die attitude and desperation to take me out for high tea is almost enduring. Note, B2B, I said almost so don’t get your hopes up. Like the many vultures who have tried to take a flight with me, you may land up in their predicament, nursing broken wings!

So darling reader now that you have ring side seating and are embroiled in my dalai-lama moment, drop me a line and tell me, who do I do??? Or should I wait for Mr. Right (if there is one) to come riding in his jodhpurs and sweep my away. Till then, there is no rollicking and frolicking in RR’s life. Over and out….Muaaaaaaah!!

PS: Dear Pandus, if you are reading this column and have figured out that its you that I am taking about, please do me a favor and be a sport. Don’t take this the wrong way, after all its free publicity love. In fact, you should be flattered that I am talking about you.