You check the time to see if its still the same year. You know the clock doesn’t tell you the year but you feel relieved with the fact that there a few hours less to go than when you turn 18, even though its months away. You think your life will change. You’ll be in college, and you’ll have really nice friends and you’ll have the perfect boyfriend and your life will change. You can start fresh. You can come out. But you shouldn’t think about all this right now. Your sexuality shouldn’t be who you are but just a part of who you are, it should be in the back of your head. That’s how its for the straight people. You envy their carelessness towards their sexuality. Hours pass, enough to make the months pass. You love how open you are about being gay. You are secretly proud about being this open, but show everyone that its no big deal. You bring it up everywhere. “Hi, Did you see that cute guy?” There was no cute guy. Maybe because its new for you, not maybe, it is because its new for you. You realize this, but embarrassingly late. Still, the freedom of being able to talk about the cute guy you never actually saw makes up for any embarrassment. At least for now.
You stopped waiting for time to go by. Jump to now. Your priorities shifted from being okay with being gay to finding a guy somewhere in between the first few months of college. Your problems become more like those of your straight friends, ‘Ughh where are all the boys’ ‘Dude find me a nice girl’ and you realize you now have it just as bad as them. No more. No, actually you still have it pretty bad. 1 in 10 people are gay and are rarely detected, compared to the its-raining-straight-people picture you have in your head right now. You know you don’t have it as good as the others. But fuck you, who does? Every one’s either blind, deaf, dumb, ugly, fat, diseased, missing limbs, poor, gay or a thousand other things. (All of them are not equally bad, of course) No one has it better than you. What gives you the flying fuck to feel that the world has been unfair to you? What fucking stops you from making your life any better? Why the fuck are you so fucking comfortable in your little world? Why are you so scared to take a chance? Why can’t you get yourself to go to that gay bar? You are to blame for your problems, not your dna or the world.
A year has gone by since you checked the time for the year and you realize you’re going to be in your head battling it out just as bad as you were the last year. If only you were getting laid.