Nervously, I rubbed the baking soda and water mixture into my scalp and rinsed it out with diluted lemon juice. I was surprised that the kitchen supplies actually cleaned my hair. After getting dressed I rinsed my face with the rose and honey face wash I had made the night before. I was so proud of myself, but very amused by the whole routine.
I was back at home to visit and my mum said, “What is this? Another hippie phase?” I explained to her that phases don’t tend to be life-long. I have been a misfit since the womb, and I’m sure many of you gaysis feel the same way. I have been a loner, nerd, grunger, band geek, hippie, girlie, super south asian, dykey, crunchy, feminist, anarchist, and whatever else.
My high school was pretty cool since, although I lived in a small town, I was in the marching band so I knew a pretty diverse group of “band geek” misfits. It was in the marching band that I was able to become comfortable with myself as a south asian, since there was a significant number of people of color. I learned a lot from the African American community in the marching band and about the effect of teenage anti-racism on the self-esteem. It was also in the marching band that I was exposed to queer people who were open about their sexuality, although I hadn’t personally explored my own sexuality yet.
In college, a lot of us in the progressive community went through the “crunchy” phase. For those of you who don’t know what “crunchy” means, it was first described with an example of a lesbian mother eating granola with a baby in a baby-sling. Anyway, we thought we were really cool, and to an extent, it was really cool.
For me it started after I came out as a lesbian. I became involved in progressive politics and wanted to be as left wing as possible, but then I realized it was really obnoxious – the guilt-induced veganism, boycotting EVERY affordable business in town, etc. In due time, I, and a lot of my friends, became jaded. For example, I noticed that the crunchy lesbians I was surrounding myself with were all white and that made me feel tokenized and I wanted to find queer people that could make me feel more at home.
Anyway, due to my health, I recently decided to let some crunchiness return. I started taking some herbal remedies for the side effects of my anti-seizure medications and I’ve started drinking various herbal teas instead of taking painkillers. I’ve also started watching my meat and dairy intake more. Sigh.
Sometimes I see white hippies out and about or on the internet and their attitude makes me want to throw it all away – start popping pain killers every time I get a headache and start eating red meat like nobody’s business. I’ve been frantically contacting my friends from college and confessing to them all the “embarrassing” old hobbies I’ve been picking up – the tarot cards, the homemade shampoo, the vegan idealism, and I keep telling them I need an intervention.
They agree with me that these things are “too much” and laugh along. I guess they lump me in with these “white hippies.” While I can laugh along with them, it also annoys me that my extremely intelligent queer friends and my friends who are also people of color are not acknowledging that I am INDIAN. I tell them that I need them to save me from my embarrassingly naïve and idealistic lifestyle changes, but then I remember… No, colonialism has made this stuff look ridiculous but this is my culture.
Indian and Hindu culture may conflict with queerness for other gaysis but I try to make vedic astrology and moderate vegetarianism something personal and spiritual to me. However, while I do this, because of this western culture that we live in, I always seem to get labeled as a “hippie”. I tell them that hippies are the people from the 60’s who took pilgrimages to India, but I just go there to visit my family! How has western appropriation made me embarrassed to participate in my own culture?
I’m just very amused by all of this so I guess I will continue washing my hair with baking soda and drinking herbal teas until I become jaded again. 🙂
In conclusion: I have been a lonely, nerdy, grungie, geeky, hippie, girlie, super south asian, dykey, crunchy, feminist, anarchist, and now I’m just everything I ever was and everything I ever will be.
You were everything you were, NOT everything you will ever be. The best is yet to be 🙂
YES YES YES THANK YOU.
“I tell them that hippies are the people from the 60’s who took pilgrimages to India, but I just go there to visit my family! How has western appropriation made me embarrassed to participate in my own culture?”
I am half-Indian and was born & raised in America and I am queer and this is everything I have ever wanted to shout at the white hippie/punk kids who I hang out with. I felt so totally alone in this narrative and did not know how to express this sentiment without offending like, everyone I know!!! Thank you so much for writing this!
I wish I could take a look at myself as honestly as you do. Keep up the crunchiness. Indians did it first. Be proud.
Is there any way to contact the author or have my email address passed along?
yes!! 🙂 go to the very bottom of the homepage where it says “talk” and you can probably send your email address there, instead of posting it publicly here.