Pink money is flowing in. There are so many queer themed parties in the city and it is difficult to make a choice. The apple bar party every Tuesday, the sink sight Ladies night – every Friday and oh the starry ones with expats, every fortnight. Where there was a dearth of avenues to meet queer people, suddenly you find yourself with many choices. Sexy, isn’t it?
Not really. Yes, we know the unique issues concerning queer community like coming out, internalized homophobia, socialization, dating, intimacy and so much more. Yes, we queer people tend to segregate our lives; being in the closet at work or with our families, and being out of the closet only when at home or with friends. And within this context such parties and spaces can be a liberating experience for many who are still struggling with acceptance of their identity and have few people to openly discuss their feelings with. For many others this means a chance to be who we are, free of judgement, without inviting raised eyebrows from our straight peers. An intimate dance with my girl on the floor and I could die with joy. We meet new people, share ideas, talk about different things and the world looks too good to be true. Can you sense a ‘but’ coming?
Once upon a time, we were invisible. Not absent but invisible. And we needed some love, some touch, some pleasure and yes, some sex. The hope of meeting another gay person was all we needed to survive.
Although much has changed since then in the queer community, has anything changed about our hopelessness and neediness to be with someone ? Funny, but some of us are just taken aback by the little attention we get. The spot light is on us when the sexy hostess of the L Party chooses to give us a lap dance. Amidst the teasing & playfulness; we wonder if will lead to something meaningful or if it just about getting into each other pants. At other times, we spot a prospect and the chase begins. Suitable or not, worthy or undeserving – heck, who cares! As long as she is hot and pleases my imagination; the pursuit is on, baby. There seems to be need and desperation breathing down every neck. From one night stands to partner swinging to the height of all desires: the menage a trois.. we are everywhere… Most lesbians are leading the life of the gay men of 80’s . Also, there is a marked emphasis on sexuality & physicality in the queer community, giving the impression that most of us are predominantly interested in the sexual aspects of being gay. Also the key to social acceptance and contentment appears to be, being highly attractive.
Given these facts, are these social gatherings truly liberating? Aren’t we abusing the secure space we created for ourselves? Instead of having healthy fun and giving time for a friendship to blossom or for a casual dating situation to develop into something more meaningful, we have been spoilt in the face of more fish in the sea and choose to hop and hop and yet hop again. To me it feels like we’re paying a bigger price! Am I making inaccurate generalizations here?
What do you think fellow gaysis?
you seem to think haivng lots of sex with different ppl is somehow inferior to “meaningful relationships” if so, for you it is wrong, you are looking for something others might not be.
but then, no everyone wants blossomming friendships and “meaningful relationsihps’
also, sex is pretty meaningful without the relationships part. for me at least.
“Given these facts, are these social gatherings truly liberating? Aren’t we abusing the secure space we created for ourselves?” YES, when I was in college I was in a progressive lesbian sorority (yeah…) and it ended up being so desperate and trashy, the opposite of progressive… sigh. There was internalized homophobia and sexism to the max!
“Instead of having healthy fun and giving time for a friendship to blossom or for a casual dating situation to develop into something more meaningful, we have been spoilt in the face of more fish in the sea and choose to hop and hop and yet hop again.” YES. In the sorority, there were some who ended up sabotaging their relationships and friendships by ruthlessly cheating on their partners or their friend’s partners after getting too excited in a room full of lesbians – “To me it feels like we’re paying a bigger price!”
Very insightful Chicklet! I totally agree with you! And this was supposed to be my rant for next week…will have to find something else to rant about now 🙂
Chicklet, Thought provoking post without a doubt. I hear your concerns, but I don’t think we are abusing the spaces we created.
I am with uberschizo here. Let us not define the queer spaces as places that will lead to healthy relationships (friendship, dating, committed relationships etc..). Let it be, what it is, a secure space for queer folks to come together.
And then It is up to the individual to define the space.
“Meaningful” and “Healthy” are relative terms. For someone who is not into intense monogamous relationships, casual sex with multiple partners is meaningful! Remember unlike Straight folks who get to express their sexuality right from their teen age, we queer folks struggle inside our closets and don’t get to be who we are until we come out, so it is only expected that some might go a little wild and that is absolutely okay 🙂 and very much healthy.
Its funny reading this that I, w/o being privy to Queer spaces in India, completely understand and sense what you are saying!
But Chicklet! A lotta gay men did find true love in the 80’s 😀
*like*
hey..Chick..I wish to disagree with you. There aint no ‘abuse’ here…having these parties/gatherings are one hell of a release…and I notice there are but few of us who will wait for friendship to blossom in a conventional way.
and i agree with QC…one just may find that one soul in the midst of the mayhem!
and talking about finding interesting women…do u recall where i met you first?!! hee hee!
Very well written Chick. It provokes a lot of thought. I think we are asking a lot of questions here – Are physical relationships good enough? Should we really find a soulmate? Are casual relationships promiscuous? – The answer I think is, It depends on the person. There are people who are comfortable in polyamorous relationships; A few who are fine with casual dating and a few who want to find a life partner rather than just a night’s acquaintance.
I think by limiting ourselves to thinking that monogamous committed relationships is the only right one would be to accept the generally acccepted views which by itself affects free-thinking and a liberating experience. I think people should be free to do what they feel like – there should be a space for everyone and irrspective of our views we should respect them. I like this article. Wish I could have read this 2 nights back.
On a lighter note, I have been wanting to try the “menage a trois” white for a while. My guess is , it is probably a 3 grape varietal. See, now that’s bourgeoise 🙂