It’s been over a month since I’ve returned to London, from my trip to India. I’ve been wanting to write about what happened there with my parents, but haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. I think I’m finally ready.
I landed in Bombay in the first week of December & all was going well. My parents were doting over me, feeding me all kinds of delicious noms and I was just lying around, doing nothing but watching TV, shopping and eating.
One evening, my mother and I were chatting about something and one subject led to another and the issue of The Girl and I came up. It was the usual litany of how they’d never accept it and how it made no sense. I told her that I didn’t understand how she wouldn’t educate herself about LGBT issues and stuck to her ignorant views on this issue. That REALLY set her off and she refused to move past the ‘educate’ bit and was upset about how I called her ‘uneducated’. That’s not what really happened, but it’s the usual pattern of arguments with my mom and me.
She left the room in angry tears a few minutes later, but not before letting me know how she would never acknowledge any child that The Girl and I would have and that she wouldn’t come visit me again.
I was really hurt and upset but called out to her to come back and said I was sorry if I’d said something hurtful. She didn’t come back and I was in no mood to go apologise to her for standing up for myself.
Later that evening, when my dad got home, they came up to my room and by then I had worked myself up into a big cloud of sorrow and self-pity & I had tears streaming down my face. What followed was so surreal that I didn’t know how to react. My mom started by saying she was sorry and to please forgive her. But in the same breath she told me how I’d made them outcasts in the family. Then my dad said to her that it was ok and that there was nothing they could do and that they just had to live with this and do the best.
This went on for a while and I have never wanted so badly to just disappear. I almost got up and walked out of the house, but I was so worn out and exhausted.
After all this happened my dad insisted that we go eat dinner out at a restaurant like we had planned earlier in the day, before this drama had happened.
Typical!
Finally at about midnight I was back in my room & I locked my door and called The Girl, who was still in London. ‘I’m sad’, I said to her. While I was explaining to her what had happened, in hushed tones, I heard a knock on my door and my mom calling out to me. I told The Girl that I’d call her back and opened the door.
My mother stood there, looking frail, and she wailed, ‘Come back to us. Please come back to us.’ She burst into sobs. And broke my heart.
I held her and told her I hadn’t gone anywhere. I told her that if she meant that I should come back to India then I would do that, but I’d bring The Girl with me.
‘But it’s not normal!’, she cried.
That really hurt me and I just said to her, ‘Ok Mama. Then I’m abnormal. Find me a cure and I’ll change.’
She looked totally taken aback by that.
I then asked her why she had such a problem with The Girl. She knew how kind and smart and wonderful The Girl was. She knew how well The Girl is doing in her career and and well she treats me.
To that came her, priceless, response: ‘Why can’t you find a man like that?’
I asked her how she’d feel if I asked her to find a woman like my father.
Again she looked taken aback. Then she said, ‘All you do is argue with me and say hurtful things.’
I reminded her about all the times I called her from London and how she ignored everything I said about The Girl and changed the subject. How she said she would not acknowledge any child I had with The Girl and how hurtful those things were.
She responded by saying there was no point talking to me about this and then went back to her room.
The next morning, in true desi denial style, nobody said anything about the previous day. Everything was alright with the world and my parents were back to their pampering ways with me.
The rest of my trip was drama-free.
On the surface I was ok. I had a lovely short trip with The Girl and a couple of other friends in Madras and Pondicherry. I met a lot of cousins, bought a lot of lovely clothes and jewelery and ate everything that I wanted to, without worrying about my weight. But through it all there was a heaviness in my heart that hasn’t completely left me, even now. The funny thing is that I am no longer angry with my parents and I feel a deep sense of empathy for them. I don’t understand this because I know I still don’t have their support and I know they’re still homophobic. But the way my mother came crying to my room, just made me see how vulnerable she was and made me want to protect her.
I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to protect her from and I’m quite aware that I’m also vulnerable and need them to protect me. It doesn’t matter. I’m going to accept and love them unconditionally, even if they don’t return the favour.
Sooooo typical ! Word by word this reminded me of my parents. I just had to replace London with New york, The Girl with The Boy :), everything else is exactly the same. During my trip last year after first few days the topic came up. My dad pretended I was talking to somebody else while my mom made me feel horrible and guilty with the usual list – not normal, this won’t last, they would never acknowledge, bringing shame to family, everybody is asking why their son is not married etc.. She cried, condemned and refused to hear anything from my side, as usual. It has been 5 years since I came out and I am disappointed that they haven’t made any progress, and in these 5 years, though I tried several million times, they wouldn’t even talk about it, It is easier for them to pretend that is not true!
So I know exactly how you feel Broom and I am so happy and proud that you are still standing :). *Hugs* .Unlike you, I haven’t yet got the wisdom of loving them unconditionally. May be I will someday.
Thanks Shri. I think you’re wiser than you know, considering how strong you’ve been with all the pressure your family has put on you.
I guess you saw a bunch of ostriches on your trip down this time and it wasn’t pretty 🙁
*Big Hug* [ you may squirm ] for still standing and being the bigger person.
You do know that all your mom needs to do is hold Baby Bhangoo Troom for the first time and poof! homophobia-schmobia! Nothing else will matter ? [ except the drool…babies always drool ]
*squirm*
I liked that thing you said about vulnerability. Althrough this process I was trying to cause less pain to my parents and taking it upon myself hoping it would help. I did not want them to feel at any point I was throwing out something at them. yet it hurts the most when they tell me that I have changed. Anyways, I figured having less to no expectations help. That’s my mantra for now atleast.
And I agree with QC. Once the baby arrives thing changes. When they see the proud parents so full of joy and life, things change. It happened once in my family, so I am quite optimistic. A Big Bear Hug Broom.
And I have always sucked up to the fact that you are the smartest and the awesomest Gaysi I have ever known 🙂
Mwah. Awesomest? Really? 🙂
sorry to hear about this Broom but i know and am hopeful things will change. They will one day overcome this denial phase and accept and embrace you for who you are. To ease the vulnerability maybe they should join some PFLAG groups.
Massive hugs to you..
If only they’d be willing to go to some kind of PFLAG thing. That’ll be the happiest day of my life!
I am really impressed at your ability to love your parents so open-heartedly and understandingly after they hurt you so badly. That takes a lot of wisdom and strength 🙂 hopefully they will learn something from you! In the meantime, your gaysifamily is here…
It also helps that I’m the only child & have a lot of guilt for ‘putting them through this’.
Bravo Gaysi!
Last night I came out to my lil sister, she was horrified, she talked about me being mad and having lost my mind..
Then she said, ” don’t hear thing from other people and believe them to be true of yourself too..”
I think she feels that its funny and I am kidding!
It’s just ridiculous, I wept silently as she went of to sleep..
Today as I sit in the office and think about it all-
I feel I shouldn’t have done it at all, that she is too young to understand these things( she is in standard 9th btw )
And waking her up in the middle of the night to tell her this was stupid.. but I just couldn’t help it, I needed to talk to someone, tell someone from my family and I guess I did just that!
Anyways, proud to know that you can yet feel like unconditionally loving them.
🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about your sister, Anwesha. The only advice I can give you is to give her time, but also to not let her bring you down. Someday you will find people who will love you unconditionally & with some luck & patience, your family will be amongst them.
Hey Broom
Am sorry to hear what happened during your trip. Parents can so conveniently act like ostriches some times. Mine for instance, have pretty much acted exactly the same way as yours when I tell them about The Girl.. For instance, when I tell them how smart she is and how happy she makes me, mum retorts with the same “why cant u find a boy like that?” or secretly spends her time praying to the Gods that nothing works out with her. My father pretty much dismisses me everytime I bring up conversations about The Girl as well.
But then they are days like today when I called my mom and asked her if she wanted to come along with me to pick up a valentines day card for The Girl and she actually helped me picking a few naughty ones which talked about nibbling and biting 🙂
I think the mum is gradually coming around and to think that at one time i have had an identical conversation with her howling and refusing to listen to reason. I guess time heals all….or atleast we sure can hope it does. So here’s wishing all works out well for you with your parents too.. after all Ostriches do stick their necks out of the sand at some stage 🙂
i suppose everyone is entiltled to their own happiness, and as parents we are no one to curb our kids happiness. Wish you all the best Broom.
Thank you, Ostrich Mom. I hope my parents feel that way someday.
Thanks Aarti. It’s all about the baby steps, I suppose.
Heya Broom,
Time and time again you show how brave you are to keep opening your heart and hoping. All I can do is give you a hug and let you know that there are many many people who feel the same and love and support you. I know perhaps it isn’t much when you are wanting that from the two of the most important people in your life, but keep strong in the hope that they will come around.
Lots and lots of love xo
Silvara
Hey you! Where have you been? Please come back & start blogging. We miss you!
And thank you for your sweet comment. Mwah.
you are so strong <3
Thanks. (So are you.)
big hug
Thank you, lvl.
Broomy!! to unconditional love!!
All the heartache and the tears, hopefully they vaporize the moment you hold those little fingers in yours and stare into those tiny, unadulterated gorgeous eyes and you have your partner to share that moment with. Ah, bliss!
That’s real!
Amen!
a Little something for all you guys who are kid-lovers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSQQK2Vuf9Q&feature=player_embedded
Isn’t that a lovely video! Those parents of his must be doing something right!