Dear Muse,
I never realized I had fallen for you. It was only when you told me that you were falling for someone else that I felt my heart beginning to crumble. I know you kept telling me not to expect anything; that you couldn’t offer me what I wanted. But how could you have known that you were made up of those very things I expected in the person I thought I could fall for? They’re not something you can offer someone in return for their expectations, are they? They can’t be given or taken. Virtues, qualities, and quirks. They’re just there. Waiting to be discovered. Those little things you say and do that make you. The things that make you smile or let loose a laugh that rises right from the bottom of your stomach. The things that make you flare up in anger. The things that move you. They all snuck up on me. You snuck up on me.
It wasn’t your promises I fell for, for you never offered any. It wasn’t the thought (a thought I drove out of my mind often) of having you as anything more than a friend, for you never said you’d be anything else. Stupid fucking me. I should’ve seen this coming. And I would’ve if only stars hadn’t settled in my eyes and my feelings weren’t running free, like unshackled wild horses. A very dramatic metaphor that, isn’t it? Hunh. Believe me, this is not how I wanted to react. For fuck’s sake, I didn’t expect to react at all. I hate all this. This temporary pause in my fabric of time where it feels like I will continue to remain alone. This knowledge that it took me long enough to find you and the loss of will to keep on looking with the diminishing hope that I might find someone else. This feeling that maybe I shouldn’t have pushed you as hard or cornered you as much with the things I said and the things I left unsaid. Then maybe, just maybe, you would be telling another woman that you’re falling for someone else. And that someone could maybe, just maybe, have been me.
I’m torn between being hurt and being amused about the fact that I feel so strongly about you. It’s ridiculous. We hardly know each other. I’m struggling to find an explanation. What made it so easy for me to fall for you? God knows, there was everything that should’ve stopped me. The distance, the unfamiliarity, the negligible amount of time we spent with each other and of course, you being far away from feeling the way I was feeling. What? What the fuck was it then, which gave you the tools to chip away at my wall?
The bitch of it all is that you’ve been nothing but nice to me. I wish you hadn’t. It’d have been so much easier for me to emotionally storm out of all this. Damn you. For letting me see what you are made of. Now I’m going to have to do something I hate. I’m going to have to look for flaws in you. So I can try and fill the cons side of the list that has your name on top. Pick you apart till I find something insignificantly revolting about you that I can blow out of proportion and sell to my heart. If only they sold glasses that would make this world that has you in it look ugly.
With what could’ve been all my love,
Me.
I think the hardest part is when you want to hate them, and you can’t….
I know what you mean. I can never hate her.
It gets worse when you have always been so confident about your feelings and all of a sudden you can’t understand anything that’s happening, it’s like you can’t decipher it anymore! not being able to figure out what’s happening to you and especially what that person is doing to you!
So very true. It’s as if you were the only one who felt that way. You start thinking that maybe you imagined most of it. Everything that you thought was there suddenly turns into smoke.
I really like the way you’ve written this and the little details and insights in there – deftly articulated. These could-have-beens in our lives are very interesting, and supremely challenging. Bitter-sweet sort of. And even if it goes nowhere, it changes you forever.
Thank you, Zee Zee. I only hope it makes me stronger and not a cynic.
Want you to know that you are not alone. All of us have been through this at some stage of our lives. The important thing is not to be bitter and cynical. Am sure she is the nicest person on this planet but you have to do whats best for you and you have to move on and forget this person. So do whatever it takes to distract yourself with thoughts of her, take up a new hobby, join a gym, go out with your friends.. different things work for different people… Find your zen and calm to heal your wounded heart. And it will get better.
And in the meantime many many hugs and much love,
In your shoes
You’re just the sweetest. For what it’s worth, I wrote this a while back and I can now probably safely say that I’ve put almost all of it behind me. A friend helped me find my zen, albeit unintentionally. 🙂 Thank you, for your kind words.
I know how difficult it is. Really. To be brutally honest, right now I feel caught in such feelings for two women and they came into my life in quick succession. I lost the first one because of things I said and things I left unsaid. It took me some time to say the things I left unsaid but she doesn’t even talk to me now. I don’t even know whether she ever liked me or not. And then, I started talking with someone else and in that relationship, I went a step ahead and fell for her, even though I knew that she could never be with me. It drains your energy so much. Though I guess I’m over the imminent pain and raging emotions that accompany these feelings. These days I just sigh, stare into an empty space and let my wounded heart heal. And, for some reason, when someone else’s words strike a chord with what you are going through, you feel a sense of comfort. Thanks for this post!
I’m glad this post helped you in whatever little way it did. I hope you found the calm you were looking for. 🙂
I can so relate to this. I can never hate her – but no longer do I want her. I still love her – but no longer am I in love with her. She is still perfect – no longer is she the ONLY perfect woman in the world.
Time and distance is the biggest healer – when I finally acknowledged the writing on the wall and decided to move on – it took me not more than a month. If you focus on yourself – its easy. Ofcourse – finding other distractions and being open minded helps 😉
Ha! 😀 Good for you, woman! Time and distance, hunh? Guess I have plenty of both. I think it changed for me when I actually thought about the whole thing and accepted that she never felt about me the same way. *shrug*
been there, done that 🙂
it just doesn work.
cheers to that 😉
We never stop going there, though. It’s like when it comes to falling for someone, we lose our ability to learn.
Hi Lady Jughead, brilliant expressed piece. Believe it or not I’m in this exact situation right now. Falling for the most unlikely person, whom I barely know and who never made any promises. In fact, who told me that she can’t be for me whom I want her to be for me. It’s insanely painful, and I’m losing my mind. Getting my heart broken repeatedly without losing enthusiasm or hope is my secret (and not to mention, stupid) super power.