Even when I existed in the deepest nook of my closet, in denial that lesbianism was a ‘lifestyle’ choice I could ever cope with, I could not understand being butch. Well, not being butch as much as falling for one. I thought, well, if one had to be attracted to a woman who was like a man then might as well be with a man. No? (Of course I did not realise then how repulsed by penises I was.)
My first lover was a woman who identified as butch. She spent a lot of time, or so I felt, in trying to define me. I never found myself conforming to any identities. There were days I felt generally macho and I’d slip into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. And there were days where I’d find feminine wiles flowing out of me in my pretty blue lucknowi kurta-salwar and dangling jaipuri jhumkas. Shortly after I came out I also shaved off my long tresses and walked around unabashedly with my shorn head.
This however, left Lover #1 in doubt about whether I was butchy-femme [more femme than butch] or femmey-butch [ultimately more butch than femme]. “I think you are butchy-femme,” she’d contemplate, “because your core energy is femme.” I’d snort and smirk and make disapproving noises, but mostly in vain. “I am woman.” I’d assert. “That is the only identity I adhere to.”
Lover #2 or lets say Partner #1 (funny how one shies away from being defined but finds weird nomenclature for others) was constantly slotted by people around her as butch, while she herself ran away from that identity. She hated it when people on streets called her bhaisaab. She hated it when in parties all the butch women would gang up and say “Oye, now the men will dance” and expect her to join them. She would flinch and frown and make disapproving faces. She would wear pretty floral tops, tease with a bit of cleavage, wear a sari to my friend’s wedding and leave the dykes shocked.
I had decided that andro is the type for me. Androgynous woman make my heart leap and leave me drooling for more. They were just the perfect mix of male and female energies (even though one has been struggling to redefine what those energies are in the first place). For when we claim that we are born with our biological sex but we construct our gender, aren’t those energies then also just what we construct?
The fact is most butch women I seem to have interacted with are women who take on those characteristics of men that have made me cringe all my life. They are either chivalrous and patronising or extremely lecherous, pushy-pawy, getting into drunken brawls and subjecting their girlfriends and other women to all sorts of abuse. Abuse that women have been fighting against and built movements around for centuries. I had not met a feminist who identified as butch and by that I mean a feminist who not only preaches but practices too.
When I saw XYZ for the first time, I thought, ‘oh another butch. Switch off.’ Did not even look twice. Until she, otherwise shy, belted out a thumri or so and from that moment I was smitten (What can I say, I swoon for singers!). Alas, she was a DPT (Dyke Passing Through for the uninitiated) and soon left the country. Ten online conversations and a few shared songs down the line, I found myself deeply attracted to her. Lover #1 accused me of being a butch sucker and I was thoroughly offended. More offended than when I was called butchy-femme. I could not understand why I would feel attracted to a stone butch.
Soon XYZ realised my discomfort and we both seemed to be remotely disappointed with each other. But I also realised what it was that intrigued me more and more about her. She took it upon herself to engage with me and have long conversations about identities. And slowly I realised that while I believed myself to be severely non-judgemental, I was in fact so judgemental of butch women that I had never given a thought to engaging with them.
I came to accept that it is not perhaps their identity as butch that I judged. But my own discomfort of being identified as femme in relation to them. XYZ asked me, ‘what is it about being femme that upsets you?’
‘Well, for one I am expected to be petite both in body and behaviour. I am expected to be vulnerable and require care. I am expected to be deeply dependant. And I am expected to dress a certain way if I identify as femme.’
The fact is, I am a large sized woman, loud, who can completely take care of myself, bordering on self-sufficient, independent, vulnerable only to a very closed few, and as mentioned above, I dress in an undefined way. I told her femme for me is a performance. I paint my toe nails and wear my sarees only as part of that performance.
And here is what XYZ had to say to that. ‘Butch does not mean more competent/gutsy at existing in this world than “women”… Femme is not any of those things (petite, vulnerable, needing smelling salts), at least not in the way it is mobilized as an identity. Femme is a political category that mixes feminism with femininity. But that category actually describes you more i.e. a fully capable individual who is feminist, kickass, independent, and is also feminine. So to me, secretly, you being femme = all the things i said above. To you, somehow, it has come to mean helpless femininity, so i shall not call you femme.’
Through these conversations I realised that my issue after all is not to do with identities of butch or femme but with the extreme stereotypes one conforms to in the name of being butch or femme. Recently I got called a confused butch because I dropped two women home on my way to my own house at around midnight (which I reckon is 2 am by Bangalore nightlife standards, 12 am by Delhi standards and 10 pm by Bombay standards).
While we talk of gender fluidity shouldn’t the characteristics we attribute to each gender also be fluid? And even if one asserts ’masculine’ or ‘feminine’ characteristics shouldn’t we choose to imbibe those characteristics which make us better beings rather than being the worst stereotype of either gender? I guess one has a long way to go but for now I am glad to be and have peers who understand, engage and enjoy being who we are.
Ugh, I hate it when people think I’m butch. It really doesn’t feel too good to be forcibly shoved into a category when you know that you don’t fit into it. Why should anybody else but me define who I am?
Absolutely agree! I think we hold the whole sole right to define ourselves rather than others categorising us just to perhaps define themselves better.
Same wit me! hate it wen i m cald a butch . . . even wen referd to as a guy at timez! even wen i dont really wear a short haircut :S
*Tomboy* is wat il rather liked to b cald den a butch . . . . ave grown up bein cald a tomboy! n i like it dat way . . . .
And also! when i joined diz community thru fb n other dating sitez . . .
i did notice or came across diz fem n butch thing being aksed and discussed a lot. .. .
well i dont know how important is it. . . to be defined as a fem or butch wen it comes to getin into a relation . . .
i never had this problem before . ..
n i luckly . .not even in my current one 🙂
I am in love with a woman . . a girl rather . .n thats wat she is to me . . ..
As long as your loved ones know where you stand I guess it feels right 🙂
It gets difficult when even lovers try to impose an identity upon you.
Awesomeness! I totally identify with your observations about butch, femme and all the in between places!
(I think you’re woman, too).
Everyone else can grow up and come to terms with the way lesbians are: multi faceted, just like straight women.
Why bring heternominative terminology into same sex relationships??
Thanks Mari! 🙂
i think in some ways, the stereotypes perpetuate the people, in this never-ending cycle. as a girly-er girl, when i chopped off all my hair and had a fauxhawk (because i WANTED one, but because i was conforming to some silly hipster-dyke norm), people didn’t really giv”e me crap about it if i wore jeans and a t-shirt. but having the short hair and a dress? i got the stare-down from heteros and queers alike, because i didn’t fit anybody’s idea of what is normative.
i think often, queer women get shunted into “choosing” an image to present – either textbook butch or femme – because otherwise people question them. i think identities are formed in multiple ways, but the downside to them is having them pushed upon you to the point of internalization, which i think a lot of people do subconsciously.
I agree MZ. It is appalling the kind of peer pressure one faces … especially when everything is supposed to be about questioning the norms & then there are alternate norms defined that one is expected to fit in!
Speechless Nilofer. Another beautiful post. I am loving this.
Amen! As someone who had been trying to conform to an identity in my early years with extreme disconfort, then found myself finding one but still finding a way to find peace which I think I have found off late, this post resonates so well. I believe that each one of us, queer or not, have several ways of defining identities, sub identites and all its children.
Thankeeee Rashmi! 🙂
All my school life I wanted to be a tomb boy… but flowing tresses & love for jewellery don’t really maketh a tomboy 🙂 & at that point I hated that I was such a girl.
But for sure now I realise that nothing needs to be defined! Everything is best left fluid! 🙂