This is actually a letter I wrote to my brother’s girlfriend because she could not deal with being on the not so thin side and he had run out of his wits trying to reach out to her. A lot of it is pep talk but that doesn’t mean they are lies. I mean every word of it. FAT.SO! is the proof to it.
I grew up as a fat child. I’ve always been fat. Even when my collar bones and cheek bones were visible, I was fat. I have a huge ass which has always been disproportionately huge.
I grew up feeling very uncomfortable about my breast. According to me they were not supposed to grow. I spent years wearing bra sizes way too small for me because all I wanted was for them to vanish.
And now I have a paunch that would give a run to women who have had umpteen number of children. A nice saggy hanging bag of fat & flesh. As far as I know, or atleast the way my parents put it, the only dream or rather expectation they have of me is for me to be thin. Thinner. Not FAT.
I wasn’t always this fat you know. As I said earlier, my collar bones and cheek bones were once very visible. I see certain school photos of mine and smirk “you call this fat?” I went in for weight reduction right after school when I started going to college. I lost 14 kgs. Them kgs came back with a vengeance.
I always blamed my lack of a love life as a teenager to being fat. I fell in love with this man the moment I laid my eyes on him back in college. He loved me alright but of course his love for me was ‘platonic’. We used to tease him saying he likes Somalian women. A very politically incorrect thing to say but it basically meant he liked women who are thin, malnutritioned, famished looking.
All of this was until I believed that my body, my dressing up, my movements, my walk, everything is for others. I valued myself in the eyes of others. And others did not mean my lovers or parents alone.
Others meant the clothes available in any shop that never had anything I could fit into. Others meant the slim actresses I saw on television… they used to be curvaceous you know, at some point. Madhuri Dixit, Revathy, Urvashi were all roundish women. Never slim skinny.
Others meant the women I saw on the magazine covers and in them.
Others meant people who told me I am beautiful except I was fat.
Others meant people who thought I am fat. So men are not interested in me and that’s why I am a lesbian.
Others meant people who showered my parents with unsolicited sympathy for their single daughter… me.. who couldn’t be married because I am fat.
I have days when I spend time preening in front of the mirror. Knowing that I am beautiful. That I can be hot, sexy & all that.
And I also spend days where I hate every bit of it. The hair on my chin, my face, my arms. My double chin. My fat self.
But the fact is. I don’t care. I don’t care what others think of me or my body. My body is meant for me to cherish. And the moment I gained that confidence in me I knew nothing…NOTHING could affect me unless I let it affect me.
There is a large amount of literature available on the internet on being fat. There is a whole deal about fat feminism. But reading them is not enough.
I believed that I gained my confidence when I met my first lover because I felt beautiful when I was with her. But what I realise is that she might have been part of the reason, the rest I credit myself for building, making that effort to gain that confidence in myself. And unless you don’t do that NO one can help you out of your discomfort with your body.
I can tell you that it is a social construct. This body image of women having to be thin, fair, tall, straight haired, black haired, blonde haired, long legged, proportionate. But frankly how many women do we know who fit this criteria? Don’t we know a number of beautiful women in our lives who don’t fit in. That old wrinkly aunt who has always been beautiful. Mothers and grandmothers who have always been rotund, chubby and so beautiful. That dark skinned teacher whose classes we just loved. If they can be beautiful, why do we think our bodies are ugly? It is made of the same …It is made out of love
And how can you love any one else
If you cannot learn to love yourself first.
Last year, for a visual exhibition themed “freedom”, I wanted to talk about body…freedom of body…of FAT bodies. I called in my very hot, very sexy, very fat friends and asked them to model for me. I modelled too. I wanted it look like something right out of a magazine cover.
The inspiration came from here. This will give you an idea of to what extent media can go to promote the idea of thin & fair.
This is not an advocacy to be fat. This is just to say that one needs to learn to appreciate and love themselves for who they are. One needs to understand that no one has any right to judge, comment or change your body because that is the one thing that truly, completely and absolutely belongs to you. And whether that body is fat, thin, differently abled, black, white, freckled, wrinkled, pock marked…if you don’t love it no one really can.
Thank you for the post! Amen to everything. Elle also photoshopped Aishwarya to lighten her skin (idk??) and she’s suing them!
WOW! Making Aishwarya Rai fair is a bit too much! What is it with the fair obsession! & one has been trying to deal with fairness cream ads all their lives & now what do you see….even worse ads for fairness creams for men!
Such an honest post. For a long time I also had huge issues with my body, I still do sometimes… I could see myself in this post. I haven’t been fat ever, so just want to also put in a point, that all women are made to feel less perfect just because of the stupid kind of advertising that goes around. And when you really start loving your body is when you are confident of it and you inspire confidence from others. And I think whatever shape size or color, women are beautiful. Great post, keep them coming.
Thank you Sonal! I think on an average everyone has issues with their bodies & true its the overload of images we see in the media & everywhere we look.
But what is annoying is the unwanted advice that is given out when you are fat from unknown people…like a bl**dy shopkeeper in Shimla in a shop selling sweaters telling me how I need to lose weight. And the moment I got out of the shop I had the nastiest comeback (wanted to gift him saandey ka tel for his baldness) but while in the shop all I could feel was humiliation & hurt that my partner did not stand up for me! The stories go on! SIGH!
Thank you N for this brutally honest post. And you are right – its not about fact acceptance or fat feminism or any such thing-total body acceptance is journey with no end. It has its ups and downs. And yes if I had a whistle@U emoticon – it would’ve filled this text box! Cheers!
Shiny! 🙂 Thanks! You know you are also part of that journey of mine! 🙂
Hugs!
Here’s a wide-smiles hello from a fat kid/teenager turned slim man. To tell you the truth, I’ve always had more and better sex when I was 20 kilos heavier. Sigh! Those were the good days when men came my way. :p
😀
wow this is so beautiful
Thank you LVL 🙂
Nilofer – This is one of the best posts I have read on Gaysi or elsewhere. I could draw so many parallels to my own life which made this post so gratifying to read. I always thought I was abnormal , only to find that I am a beautiful manifestation of the nature itself. Your post is articulate, not patronising and hits the target point-blank. It was a treat to read this. Thanks much for sharing this and making us feel comfy under our own skin.
I am a big fan of Ru Paul, and the 2 lines have been etched in my mind:
If you do not love yourself, who else will!
I am going to post this on my FB right now.
Big Grizzly Bear Hug!
Thanks a lot Rashmi! For my parents my sexuality is a matter of silence. But my being fat ruins all long lovely conversations I have with my mom. So there’s a constant reminder about how imperfect I am. I just had to find a way to reclaim my body. Reclaiming the word FAT & putting myself out there was the first step towards that 🙂
Thanks again for the support & sending warm fuzzy round hugs!!
Nilofer,
In my view, being fat means, being lazy. If you are active like other normal persons, how can you be called fat? Being healthy and active is real key to fitness. I know many people who exercise daily and then feel too tired to do any activity with enthusiasm. Their bodies look very trim, but what’s the use? So, whether you are thin or fat, the only thing that counts is, whether you are active and enthusiastic in your everyday life. If you are active, enthusiastic and in high spirits everyday, then you are a perfect human being.
So don’t worry about your figure. Be happy. You see the bodies of today’s film heroines and compare them with the yesteryears’ heroines’ bodies. Yesteryear heroines look plump according to current standards, but I always admire their bodies. They are very strong compared to today’s women.
Our old ladies used to do every chore manually right from morning to evening. Where is that strength in today’s so-called beautiful ladies. I like those plumps. They are the real stuff.
So be cheerful. My full support to you.
All the best!
Rajsekhar
hey rajsekhar, could not help myself from replying.
your mail seems to me like ‘hello girls its ok you are fat… and we have sympathy for you and we will try to adjust you all..
I dont agree when you say being fat means being lazy.. being lazy for what, to work, do household chores or to do exercise. because as i know of myself, yes I am lazy to exercise, but i am not lazy to many things…
and its ok to be lazy…
“So don’t worry about your figure. Be happy. You see the bodies of today’s film heroines and compare them with the yesteryears’ heroines’ bodies. Yesteryear heroines look plump according to current standards, but I always admire their bodies. They are very strong compared to today’s women.”
we are not worried about our bodies, but the world outside is. We dont get sexy body showing clothes in shops, because those clothes are meant for thin girls, we are meant to wear huge t shirts…. so who is not more concerned.. us or the clothline… girls who are fat dont get married (not that i support marriage), but then girls want to get married. Girls are spending money in thousands and lacs, to get the ‘perfect’ figure, and who decides the perfect figure??? the market, society……..so are we concerned or the society is concerned… We love our bodies, therfore we modeled our fat bodies
“Our old ladies used to do every chore manually right from morning to evening. Where is that strength in today’s so-called beautiful ladies.”..
these lines are sexist…it means you want to say we have to every chore manually right from morning to evening??? how sexist..? and what would men do?
tell me one thing.. i dont think soceity or you would think much about a boy who is on the heavier side?????
Best,
rituparna
excellent…….. love u .. u know that.. and glad to be part of FAT.SO……
Ritu
Couldn’t have done it without you! 🙂 <3
[…] woefully thin.Joining myself and limelight stealer Chicklet we have…*drumroll*… of A Letter On Being Fat fame ….*in lights* Nilofer ! *applause*In many ways, this podcast is an Ode to Fat of all […]
I think chubby looking women are the most beautiful women on the face of earth as they look so full of life and should not be called FAT at all.
Thank you for sharing this piece. I feel this needs to go beyond this piece of writing. therefore I’m planning to read this letter out to my audience on Instagram. your letter will be a part of the letter reading session which holds letters from various genres and thoughts. Let me know your thoughts on this. We need to get away from body shaming.
Thank for this letter. I wish to include it one of my letter reading session. the session has many letters from various thoughts and genres. Do let me know ur concern for this. We need to get away from body shaming.