I tried to think of a more subtle title, but couldn’t. There’s nothing subtle or artful or profound in the end of what was once a beautiful relationship. And I’ll be honest – it was the best relationship I’ve ever been in, to date. She was so incredibly good to me in so many ways. But like so many good things, it came to an end. I’ve never been one to drag things out, so I ended it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over making her cry, but it had to be done. I’ve always believed that if you’re going to break someone’s heart, at least do it honestly. If nothing else, you’ll know you never lied to someone you loved.
It’s hard. I feel guilty for being sad, because it was my decision to end the relationship. Somehow I feel like I ought to be getting through this better. But that said, I’m doing okay. More or less. I’ve made myself busy for the sake of translating motion into meaning. And yet, sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. In those rare moments, when I’ve finished school and work and errands and anything else I could possibly stuff into a day, I sit down and get sad. For the past two years, there’s always been someone else on the couch with me. And it’s thoughts like that which bring me down. I always had her to watch a movie with, to have dinner with, to snuggle on. And doing everything by myself is always lonesome, and sometimes hard. Being around so much silence means I’m listening more to what is in my head, and I’m not at a point yet where I can say that I actually enjoy all of my own thoughts.
Yet, fear of being alone is never a good reason to stay in a relationship. I hit a point where I realized we were both trying so hard to be right for the other person. And at this point in time– about to graduate, figuring out grad school, figuring out life – I couldn’t factor anyone or anything into my life besides myself. And while it felt like an incredibly selfish thing to think, I realized it’s the first concrete decision I have ever truly made for myself. Breaking up with her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I know it was the right thing to do.
I can still say with certainty that my ex-girlfriend is one of the best people I know. I can’t even say “was”, in the past-tense, because she continues to be. Despite this whole ordeal, she has continued to be as gracious and kind as she can be, even though she’s sad. I worry a lot about whether she’ll blame herself for our relationship ending. What I wish I could say to her, what I wish I could say to every girl who has ever had her heart broken, is that just because it ended, doesn’t mean it failed. It doesn’t mean you failed. It doesn’t mean we failed. When a beloved shirt gets worn out and we stop wearing it, we don’t think that shirt has failed. It was beautiful while it lasted. It’s just that the daily course of existence sometimes causes things to fall apart. And while it hurts like hell right now, we’ll come out stronger and better.
🙂 That silence still haunts 🙂
Sorry to hear, strength and light your way.
This reminds me a lot of my break-up last year. It’s great when both people can peacefully move apart but still have respect for each other! I totally relate to the sad feeling when you realize you don’t have someone to unconditionally go to everyday, but it definitely isn’t worth it to stay with the wrong person just because we’re scared of losing that. That type of stability can be built again, with someone else, when the time is right – just enjoy your life right now 🙂
This reminds me a lot of my break up last year as well. I’m still not over it but every week is a little less painful than the previous one, so I know I’ll stop hurting eventually! Good Luck to you xoxo
oh hell…..been there..Miss Z…especially when there is somebody else close to me…and the image gets all blurry…eyes get all wet….and i shake my head and get convinced again that it was all for the best really!
wish you peace and strength…
SS
I guess more than the “relationship”….its the “person” we miss the most. But yes, things get better with time. *hug* 😀
a lot of what you see of that “person” is because of the “relationship”. hurt can make the beloved as nitric acid…i wonder if we still miss them.
But yes you are right about one thing, time has it in it to heal. After all, for how long can the sun stay behind the blind ?!
You made the right decision. The pain you and her experience is also part of the healing process. I am sure things will get better. *Hugs*
PS: Take it easy for the next few weeks. Try some NSA stuff 🙂 It helps!
yes i too often wonder, why all good things come to an end.
wish u love n luck
x
I revoked readership to my writings from this page. I am glad that, out of all, you had a chance to see what it was like. God willing, someday somewhere, you’ll read it again. Now, there is nothing to be written for you. When you write, all you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. Although, love is by far the best reason to bleed. And, I shall endure. But, Darling! Did I bleed enough for you when I remained available to you for two years, even after you walked out on me, and then again arbitrarily decided to loiter on when we had parted ways? You even stopped realizing “how” you were tormenting me with a hurricane of pebbles, triggered from your suddenly being subjected to hot & cold gyrating air. Despite all, I stayed and made sure YOU are okay because I thought you must be hurt too. You obviously have a lot of unresolved issues against me and my coherent silence to your hostility has encouraged you wrongly. Don’t be that someone who makes others feel horrible, with all the ostracization; it’s merely one’s head playing tricks on them. In one’s heart, one would know that those denunciations against anyone are barely its own subliminal escape from certain deep-rooted insecurities. Moreover, it comes back full circle. An apt amount of self-esteem can secure a person. Someday soon, it will all make a perfect sense to you. Rest we’ll talk if ever we came face to face, given that your “go to” defence response won’t be an untenable retort or a curt Fib. Well! Nevertheless, going-over all the Choices that you’ve made has clarified a lot to all the unexplained soundings that orbited in my mind for the longest time to what went wrong between you & me. And then, I had the ultimate laughter of all times; how terribly wrong I was for all the irrational mistakes. Besides, I think, I was the biggest mistake of your life because you see we small-towners don’t know much about so many things in general. But yeah, you must be aware of that since countryside is the perfect holiday idea for you.
Thank you for your gracious stint in my life. Assurance of my trueness to you will persist beyond those four years. Although, my alliance with you will forever be somewhat fragile for the fear you struck deep into my heart is too abysmal to be dislodged. Anyhow, now this is a closure from my side. So, I’m just informing you that I’ll not be as much reachable to calls because I’d be traveling at times. Since, I’ve taken plenty of blows (even by you) in my life so far, hence now I am pretty busy with my attempts to “rise-up” a little bit. However, you broke something inside me for never to be mended again. And, it often makes me sad. Still I had to learn to love myself as you are now an inseparable part of me. But, your taste for oblivion will take you far enough before you actually reach somewhere. And, it would be unduly hypocritical of me to meditate upon love but still hold myself from giving love affably. So, Feel free to reach as usual. I’ll be right here. No worries, heaven will help my heart. Time and time again, no matter what it takes, I will prove my trueness for you. C.G. Jung said: “The pendulum of the mind oscillates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong.” And, you know, the sacrifices we went through together were ordained by our destinies but then again what I doubly subsisted alone (when we were still together but you were particularly absent on me, then your walk-out and later your loitering around on me, while you chiefly/selectively disremembered the extent of my care for you as a priority, both before and after) was two-folds of the worth of that one valuable year of your life, which went futile because we were heading on different tracks.
hugs honey.
Hey,
it is hard and the feeling most definitely will faint away, but try not forgetting the person. Since you broke off the relationship, you should try and be around in the small little ways..especially if it wasn’t a bitter break up. I have been the other person and believe me the pain stays longer than you can imagine. your ex-girlfriend might move on but she will still carry the pain so for her sake and yours for right now be around just a bit to share the pain with her and to let her know that its hard for you too…
you take care and don’t let anything get in your way of another loving relationship 🙂
glad you never lied to the one you loved.
remember the mantra “this too shall pass”