Part One: The Invitation
As a child, I traveled to India every four years with my family to see relatives. I hated it because I got deathly sick from dysentery, because my parents tried to dress me up in girly clothes, because relatives pinched my cheeks too hard. I would now say I had the luxury to hate it. But my grandmothers lived there – the stern one and the soft one – and my three uncles, and many of my eight aunts, and a whole slew of cousins, including one I had a crush on. I had a favorite uncle and a favorite married-into-the-family-uncle, and a favorite aunt and also a favorite married-into-the-family-aunt. As I became an older teen and was more withdrawn, I hid behind my camera and I saw other parts of India: the poverty and dust, the rice patties and mountains, the rare smile of my Baby-mammi.
And then when I was 19, I shaved my head. And my relationship with India was forever changed.
Shaving my head was like coming Home. So was coming out of the closet (as a bisexual — I didn’t understand the word ‘queer’ back then). But it came at a price. My parents, filled with dreams of their feminine daughter, were horrified. That year, Thanksgiving was moved to New Jersey so that no one from my hometown in Connecticut would see me. For the next ten years I would be hidden away from family friends, sometimes invited to larger family functions and often uninvited. Thanksgiving and Christmas became very small family affairs so no one outside the immediate family would have the chance to see me. When my brother was married in 1998, I was told not to come to India for the that part of the celebration. For more than ten years, my mother would look at me with palpable disappointment and disgust.
I managed as best I could. I dropped out of college and struggled with depression. I dated my first girlfriend. I made it back to school and met Elizabeth, my partner. I graduated from college and worked for a while. I moved to NYC with Elizabeth to get a masters degree in theater, which my parents graciously paid for. I even went to India one summer to work for an LGBT non-profit in Bangalore, and when my parents couldn’t stop me from going, they made me promise I would not seek out any family members while I was there.
Going to India changed everything. I knew when I got back that I was not just a butch, I was a transgender man with a body that did not fit him. I tried to tell this to my parents, but they didn’t want to hear about it, so I wrote them a letter. (I have no idea if they ever read it.) When my beard began to grow in, my mother refused to see me – this banishment lasted two years, during which time the rest of the family spent holidays together without me. My father was the only one to keep in touch.
And then one fateful Thanksgiving three years ago, Elizabeth and I were invited back home. My mother was reluctant at first, but after my top surgery, they seemed to finally accept that there was no going back. Our relationship improved dramatically: For the first time since I was 14, my mother was not looking at me with disappointment or disgust, was not angry with me. (Ironically, this is also the year they became Obama democrats after being staunch republicans their whole American lives). I was 33 years old. We had been on the outs for almost 20 years, and now it was over! Now they wanted me to come visit them, wanted to send me home with goat curry and biryani and my favorite tamarind eggplant curry. Elizabeth was welcomed as my partner (instead of my roommate) and allowed to sleep in the same room with me. They still weren’t very good about names or pronouns, but they loved me. That’s what counted.
And, of course, somethings did not change. The relationship I had with my brother and aunt (who also lived in America) deteriorated when I came out as trans, and continues to be poor. I was never invited to come over or to celebrate my niece’s birthdays, though they got together with each other often and we all lived in the same city. I was not allowed to be around my parents when extended family members came through town. I was told not to contact anyone in India or any Indian family friends who lived in the States. My mom said this was not because they were ashamed of me, but because they wanted to protect me and themselves. You could not possibly understand, they said, because you’re not a parent, but we couldn’t bear the possibility of people saying bad things about you. If anyone ever found out, it would hurt the family, it would hurt the chances of anyone who wanted to get married – who would marry into a family with such a reputation?
They said, You have so many friends here in America. We’re old, we have just a few people we talk to, you leave us these people. If anyone were to ever find out, we could never again show our face. We would have to stop talking to our friends. We would be all alone. And when they say this, it doesn’t feel like a threat. This is how they would feel compelled to respond.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to lose my parents again after so many years already lost between us. Who knew how many years we had left? So I said this, I would not reach out to people I didn’t know, but I wouldn’t turn away people who reached out to me. And then we did not speak of it again.
But this is the age of Facebook. And my cousins in India are part of the technological revolution like the rest of the world. It began with one cousin (we’ll call her A–) who friended me three years ago. I was shocked. First, I accepted the friend request; then, nervous I unfriended her. Then I re-friended her, this time with a letter explaining the situation, explaining that I’m trans, that my parents would rather no one know about me, and that I left it up to her discretion. Her response? “I’m happy for you. You’re my cousin and I love you.”
Today, I have five cousins from India who are “friends” with me through Facebook, and Yasmine, a family friend from my childhood who now lives in MN and is as close to a family ally as I have in this world. My parents don’t know about the cousins on facebook, and are afraid that one day Yasmine will tell her parents about me.
And that is where things remain. My parents go to India every winter and tell me very little about these trips. And I tell them nothing about Facebook. It is a strained status quo we have achieved. I feel like perhaps I am colluding with them in my own banishment, but don’t know how to not do this. And they say, We keep things from you to protect your feelings, but this is the way things have to be. Nobody would be able to understand what you are.
And then, just a few weeks ago, something happened that has never happened before. A–, my younger cousin who lives in Chennai sent me the following email:
“Hey cuz… GUESS WHAT???!!! I’m all jumping for joy and some how with cold feet already! My wedding date is confirmed.. I’m getting married on 21st of Jan.. !!! The main reason for this mail… listen I know people might ask you to not come etc.. but I love you and you are my cousin … one I’ve grown to love and be very proud of.. So at the risk of getting disappointed… I’m gonna say it.. please come…you have to!!! Give everyone my love… xoxox, A–”
I wonder if you can appreciate the simultaneous joy and terror I feel at reading these words.
I know, though they haven’t told me, that my parents are going to this wedding. (They were talking about it with my brother via skype one day when I walked into the room, and they immediately changed the subject.) I also know my grandmother will be at this wedding. And also A–, who says she loves me and is proud of me…
The terror is palpable. I imagine losing my parents all over again. I imagine feeling that feeling again: That I am personally responsible for my parents’ misery. It’s not about what’s rational, it’s about being swept away by feelings that are as large as the house I grew up in. It’s about family.
* * * *
And now we have arrived at the portion of this story that I call Audience Participation: I ask you, Reader, for your thoughtfulness here. What would you have done if you were in my situation and why?
(Please stay tuned for Part Two of Banished from India: A Two-Part Story with Audience Participation.)
If your cousin really wants you to go, ask her to make it easier for you. Have her explain the situation to all the relatives who will be attending. It’s what i would do for someone i loved and was proud of.
This will make things infinitely easier for you when you go back.
Lots of love and hugs
Pri
Ditto. As the bride-to-be, her words will carry weight. And if the marriage ceremony itself is going to be saturated with relatives, is there a less formal, more friends-and-colleagues kind of reception you can attend with less stress?
And while in Chennai, do check out the queer scene here. Who knows, you might want to stay a little longer… 😉
I think this is a great compromise — the bride enjoys a powerful status that may make this a golden opportunity… in any case it sounds like you have an ally whether you decide to go or not.
I love you bro!
This is a tough one, Deen. You could say, fuck it, I’m gonna live my life the way I want to, and choose to go. But I think your parents are right in a way. They’re from a generation where the meaning people’s lives take on is heavily dependent on their acceptance into social circles. Unlike us, they can’t wrap their head around the idea of finding contentment by being with just a few loved ones. There aren’t a lot of people in India who will understand who you are. And given the fact that your parents socialize with your family way more than you, they are the ones who will unfortunately have to bear the brunt of snide, cruel and heartless remarks. They won’t be able to handle being outcasts. You’ve said so yourself; that what they’re asking for is hardly a threat. At the end of the day, how my parents live out the rest of their days – happily or in the misery of isolation – matters a lot to me. And from what I understand, you’ve waited a long time for the equation between your parents and you to take on a semblance of normalcy. So why put that on the line? All said and done, if I were you, I wouldn’t go.
Ditto!
I know the situation is not a perfect one, but then again, we don’t live in an ideal world. Hell, even those diagrams in the science textbook show – “ideal behavior” and “practical behavior”.
In a perfect situation, your parents would be proud of you and would not hesitate in admitting to the entire world how wonderful you are. But this is not an ideal world. And not everyone in this world is understanding. Given that your parents have to live in this imperfect world, you should respect their concerns and let them face this world in whatever way they seem fit. After all, it is not easy for them too.
As long as they accept and love you and your partner, all of you would be fine.
Good luck with whatever decision you take!
i agree with lady jughead
you have to consider the effect on your parents and then decide
If you can’t tell your parents about the invitation and the fact that you are considering it seriously, then going there unannounced is tricky. It is obvious that your parents count the most for you. Consider the following scenario: if your parents can handle the idea of your presence at your cousin’s wedding while they are still here in their home in America, then it will be indeed a very happy event. Maybe you need a family reunion and reassessment of your parents’ attitude towards the whole situation. With all the progress that has happened in your relationship with them, maybe now they are ready to face the challenges of your re-introduction into your extended Indian family. Best of luck Deen!
i would talk to your parents and tell them you were invited and you want to go and you want their support when you are there because it would not be easy for you and they will have your support because it would not be easy for them and that they should be proud of you and have your back instead of trying to protect themselves (that’s what they really mean by saying they want to protect you) and you know they love you and you love them and that you shouldn’t have to lose out on family/culture/tradition/place because of one part of your identity that they are having a hard time dealing with. yea. there is no easy answer to this.
I think it would be really great for your parents to see you in a context where you are beloved and accepted by other family members. What they have now is a lot of fear built up over many years. If they see the reality — that your cousins love and accept you — these fears can be relaxed, and change can begin. It might not be an easy process, so make sure you have lots of support structures in place and that your own mental health is stable enough for you to proceed; but it sounds like you are really ready for a ‘second phase’ of coming out. This second phase is as necessary as the first was.
You have a right to have a relationship with your grandmother if you want one before she dies, and although your parents are afraid, they need to look past their own fear at what is really in their child’s best interests. Parents need to love and protect their child, and hiding him away in a closet and throwing away the key is neither loving nor protective.
What kind of relationship do they truly have with people with whom they can’t share such an important thing? What does your extended family think happened to you — surely they haven’t just overlooked the fact that you’ve disappeared for so long, they must have some ideas and theories and rumors. Your parents are in deep denial if they think no one in the family has any clue. Reality check: Chances are that at least one of your five cousins has already told their parents on the sly, and that the parents have shrugged and said “oh well, things are like that only, god makes everyone in mysterious ways.” I suspect that you may find at least some the family in India to be more accepting than your parents — lgbt issues are very much in the news here, especially in urban areas, and it’s not necessarily the invisible taboo topic that it probably was when your parents left India. The diaspora is often strangely frozen in time, while India itself is moving on. In India the family can sometimes be a big tent that includes everyone. You may find unexpected allies in people that don’t have such a strong vested interest in you being a source of ‘shame’ and whatnot.
Definitely enlist your allies (cousins); can you ask their advice i.e. whether to share the news more widely in advance so that it’s not a big shock? Share this blog post with them? And do check in with A– to make sure she’s really ok with the fact that your appearance might draw some of the limelight from her at her own wedding. She might not have really thought it through.
If it feels like the wedding is not the right moment, you can also use this invitation as a catalyst for a reunion trip at a different time but in the near future — a quieter trip to visit and congratulate her, meet other cousins, maybe while your parents are still in India after the wedding, or maybe totally separate from them. Maybe with your partner, maybe not. Or maybe even a mass email.
It sounds like you do want to reconnect and that your family is really important to you. So hold to those core values and know that there are lots of options for you to rejoin your family again — you don’t have to get stuck in someone else’s false dichotomy between total in-your-face outness and total closet/pariah status.
There is a creative way to proceed based on love and integrity, not fear. Even if they don’t totally understand everything about you, Indians of all people will understand how much you want to be with your family.
Explain your conundrum to your cousin A ( she probably does know about this) and see if she will be willing to make the place comfortable for you and your parents to attend together. If so, go – otherwise, I would think about it.
Chennai does have a growing scene with Pride marches every year. So some of your relatives may be more sensitized than what you and your parents think. And who knows there may be another banished from relatives queer cousin lurking there.
Good luck.
This is a difficult situation to say the least. Though I understand your parent’s situation, I wouldn’t suggest you skip the wedding. That is so not fair to you and to your cousin who loves you and wants you to be part of her wedding.
IMO, you should talk to your parents and explain them the situation. And then get your cousin and other supportive relatives to talk to your parents. Let them explain that your parents are not alone and not all relatives are phobic and many including them support you for who you are. I am hoping this will have some positive influence on your parents and they might change their mind.
Even after this, if your parents are not okay with it, I would say you should go to the wedding and your parents have to deal with it.
I appreciate your courage to be who you’re meant to be in face of such challenges with your family. If only each of us could be as authentic and true to ourselves. And if only others could be more open and understanding and just appreciate our differences. I’m glad your cousin told you that she wanted you at her wedding because no one can take that from you – her love & support is genuine whether you go to the wedding or not. I hope that the rest of your family joins her in showing their support & love. You deserve no less. All my best to you.
Facts cannot be changed……so wats true shud remain so…..Every person irrespective of his/her sexual orientation deserves to live a dignified life and the society better give them that…..!! Its high time we start accepting that the Homosexuality and Bisexuality is perfectly normal….Lovely article 🙂
I could not come around to finish reading this in one go. My life is so similar Deen. I will share my tiny story so I will let you judge what you want to take away.
I am working with my parents to at least gender me properly and its quite a monstrous effort in itself. Everytime I talk to them, I start crying. But I do understand there are few things that they consider very important. If I were in your shoes, I would probably stay away and not goto India. I respect my parents and I think they deserve a life they desire in their own terms. They are far ahead with their lives than I do and they need whatever limited social circle they consider necessary. Its been about 2 years since I told them and I sure do not know as time goes by, if I would feel the same. My parents have been the most important to me in my life and I am sure having their acceptance will go a long way. It has been okay right now since we live in 2 separate continents and our daily lives hardly mingle. I have cut my ties to my extended family. But I can live with that.
My only worry has been that I am not sure when I will goto India next. I visit home about every 2 years. I cannot even imagine gong to India and not spending time with my parents. The guilt will consume me. The idea of staying at a hotel and not in the place I grew up is unimaginable. I miss home terribly at times and I cope by consuming too much Indian grub and talking to my friends in tam. To further complicate, is the mismatching legal documentation and I am shit scared of travelling for fear of harassment.
Leave my parents. I stopped going to my sister’s place just a few hours away because she was concerned about the close-knit desi tam community and her other friends. She lives in Northern California for fuck’s sake and I am sure she and her friends would know what trans people are. I find it hard to accept but that is something very important to her and her kids and we arranged a way for us to meet often. She just comes home every couple weeks. The point is, yeah! we need to suck up for our family even if that means, we are part of propagating the “treat me as a second class citizen”. But that does not mean we do not love each other. I hope time will heal.
For now, I am staying away and respecting their wishes.
xoxo
I am grateful for the diversity of responses — there are people who advocate going to the wedding, and those who advise to stay away for the sake of the parents. And there are those who have shared their own struggles with India and family. Thank you all.
Please continue to share this blog with those who you think might benefit from it, and encourage one and all to participate.
Stay tuned for Part 2, coming soon…
Deen
Great post. My partner & I are travelling on holiday to India (from Australia) in a week and have been looking for perspectives on being queer in modern India. I can’t wait to read Part 2! Regardless of your decision, which is a personal one that only you can make and judge, I wish you all the best.
Dear Deen
+1 for Minal’s response . Let me add few more points to it
I get an understanding that you are tam and you might have known the weightage people give to the groom’s party in tam weddings .
“What would the groom’s side think ” could be a reason why your parents didn’t discuss about the wedding with you (thou they might have really wanted you to come )
I would suggest , you discuss this with your cousin on how open her would-be and his family are . If it turns out that they are very forward thinking and are warm and welcoming (which many tam families today are ), attending this wedding can drastically change you r’ship with you immediate and extended family for good .
All said , I strongly believe in loving people as they are . I wish people could just grow up . Good luck with the wedding trip . I wish I could have been around in Chennai and could have met you for coffee when you visit here
And I would suggest you to invest more time and love in good friends , the only souls who never let us down and love us for what we are 🙂
Cheers
Rags
[…] – Created 6/13/10 */ google_ad_slot = "5383684096"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; (Part Two of Banished from India: A Two-Part Story with Audience Participation)The Audience Participation in response to Part One was so thoughtful, I can’t help but feel […]