Ever since I’ve started spending more time with the “family”, I’ve noticed one stark difference between the queer and straight community. We’re a touchy, touchy lot. I feel that we, the queer community as a whole, have a tendency to hyper-analyze what people say, more so if it’s someone straight doing the talking. We are quick to read way too much into what’s said, conjure up subtexts that don’t exist and get offended.
Fighting for acceptance, I truly believe, is absolutely necessary. But our penchant for focusing on labels that we assume are forcibly thrust upon us by others, or words that we misconstrue as violating our identity, is beginning to get a bit tiresome. Instead of attempting to change mindsets, we seem more interested in drawing up a glossary of queer terms and words that others can use while referring to us. But does it really matter if someone called me a lesbian rather than a bisexual identified polyamorous woman who has a self-rating of 5 on the Kinsey Scale?
Underneath our love for sexual fluidity and a world not defined by gender binaries, we’re not very different from our straight fellow human beings. We all use the same tools to perceive, process, and comprehend a constant flow of stimuli. The thing is, our brains love structure and categories. They help us put what we see around us together into a whole that we can understand. They let us process new information by allowing us to draw from similar examples. It’s because of them that we know why apples, bananas and oranges, for instance, go together.
Language exists and evolves because it’s the very basis of all communication and exchange of ideas. But not everyone can summon exactly the right words at exactly the right time. We often make do with the ones that come close to expressing what we want to. If we keep getting hung up on the words someone is using, we are bound to miss what they’re actually trying to tell us. Defining how others can talk to us will only make conversations long and unwieldy. Certain phrases are used in a certain way and it is up to us to look at them along with the context they’re used in. Because, at the end of the day, it’s the intention with which things are said that matters, right? So assuming the context remains the same, we need to take a moment and think about why it is easier for us to overlook a “You’re so gay” comment from a fellow queer than from someone straight.
Let’s not forget that each one of us who is queer has taken our own sweet time to understand and accept who we are. Instead of critically looking at everything the straight community says and does, and assessing whether it’s all queer-friendly or not, let’s cut them some slack and learn to just be. They might take some time but I’m sure they’ll eventually get to where we are.
What a nice post! This is exactly what I was thinking last night. That, we get too hung up on “labels” and what words the rest of the society should use for us. It may work when using English language, but how many Indian languages would have words to describe the queer world?
Sometimes it becomes an exercise in futility and yet we get too worked up about the words someone uses. Not every one has the same command over language or frankly, that much interest in queer world politics as we would like to believe. I am a strong believer in “Actions speak louder than words.” I would rather have someone use non-PC term to describe me and treat me with with respect than someone using all the right terms and then stab in the back!
You summed it up nicely when you wrote- “I feel that we, the queer community as a whole, have a tendency to hyper-analyze what people say, more so if it’s someone straight doing the talking. We are quick to read way too much into what’s said, conjure up subtexts that don’t exist and get offended.” Well said!
Thank you. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who thinks this. 🙂
I agree Lady J. As long as it is both ways, I am all for it.
In time, I’m sure it will be.
“a world not defined by gender binaries, we’re not very different from our straight fellow human beings” is something thats come to me only in recent years! At the end of the day, as individuals, we all have our own agendas and only fooling ourselves if we think udderwise!
“Underneath our love for sexual fluidity and a world not defined by gender binaries, we’re not very different from our straight fellow human beings.”
Hmm.. there are many in our communities who disdain sexual fluidity and non-binary genders because these can (to them) prove messy realities that interfere with rights arguments based on the rigid frameworks of gay/straight and man/woman. To give you an instance, there are some gay/lesbian people whose appeal for ‘acceptance’ from the mainstream rests on the premise that sexual orientation is innate, fixed at birth and this very “not a choice” nature is the reason why they should be accepted and not forced to change. Such people are acutely uncomfortable with narratives of fluidity of desire, as they perceive these narratives as undermining their premise for acceptance. Similarly some people (both trans and cis) conceive of gender as fixed and polar, and of transitioning as switching from one pole to the other. For such people, gender fluidity is an uncomfortable proposition.
Interesting. You’ve got me thinking. 🙂
How brilliantly articulated:) I’ve often thought over-analysis of another’s perceptions are nothing but a euphemism for hypersensitivity that unfortunately is our cross to bear when coming to accept anything!You’ve voiced both the futility and essence of categorization beautifully!
Thank you. I’m glad you agree.
The eXiled has, at yet, nothing to tell me about it, a shame because these kinds of events are often their speciality.