After the somewhat raving reception to our last edition of “A guide to understanding lesbians”, we have written the sequel which provides deep insight into the workings of a lesbian mind.
Q: Is lesbian sex as good as straight one? How?
Broom: SIGH.
TC: Actually, it’s better. What’s better than two boobs? Four! Math trumps everything.
Also, NO BIRTH CONTROL! Yayyyyy!!!!
Q: What sort of sexual activity do you indulge in?
Broom: The fun kind. The kinky kind. The romantic kind. The missionary kind. The same kinds as the spectrum of straight people do, basically.
TC: Naughty, naughty! If you want dirty stories, why don’t you just watch some porn? Are not getting enough? Why beat around the bush? Ohmaigod, I punned.
Q: How do you indulge in penetrative sex?
Broom: First of all, not all of us do. And if we do there’s 10 fingers and countless sex toys.
TC: I am convinced you are not watching enough porn.
Q: Which is the most comfortable sexual position for women and why?
Broom: It depends on the woman, moron.
TC: Hey! We are only throwing in a Grammar 101 for free. For sex-ed classes, please send cheque for $101. Videos provided separately. Taxes may apply.
Q: Are sex toys readily available?
Broom: In London, they are, yes.
TC: Seriously, who’s going to pay the rent if we spend our cash on toys! We usually improvise with whatever blunt phallic-shaped household items we can lay our hands on.
Q: Do some lesbian go around or have sexual flings with men to double check if they’re lesbians or just bi-curious?
Broom: Do straight men go around having sexual flings with men to ‘double check’ if they’re bi-curious or just straight?
TC: Children, the plural of lesbian is “lesbians”. To answer your question, it is the unavailability of handsome men like Karan Johar and Anderson Cooper that has driven us to seek pleasure in women. Nothing less will do.
Q: How would you define an ‘appealing lesbian partner’? Physically and emotionally.
Broom: Someone who looks like Chitrangada Singh, is kind, rich and intelligent.
TC: Maybe I was not clear when I said I NEED MORE CLOTHES. MOOAARR.
As long as she is the same size as I am and is generous enough about sharing her clothes, I am super happy. If she can also wax, manicure and pedicure, I would marry her. If she can cook, I’ll co-sign loans, leases, a pact with the devil…ANYTHING!
Q: Say in a group of ten girls at a party, if three are lesbian, what’re the indicators you would use to spot them?
Broom: All lesbians tattoo rainbows on their boobs – it’s the law. So if we suspect someone is a lesbian we ask them to flash us so we can know for sure.
TC: If you turn off the lights, our private parts glow in the dark like little beacons of gayness. Beacons? Runways? Landing strips? Get it? BAZINGA!
Q: Do you try influencing straight people to convert to ‘lesbian’?
Broom: Yes! All the time. We publish manuals on the top 10 ways to encourage people to convert to lesbianism. We have a reward system similar to Amway, for every straight person you convert you get a commission for her and for every straight person she ends up converting. Hide your mothers and sisters, we’re coming to get you.
TC: How can I explain this grammar rule? Okay, people who follow Hinduism are Hindus. People who follow Islam are Muslims. Hence lesbians follow?
Lesbianism!
Therefore the question should be framed such, “Do you try influencing straight people to convert to ‘lesbianism’?
Look machan, it’s all about the moral salvation. For every lesbian we convert, The Secret Society of Awesomesauce Lesbians ensures that we get a free pass to lesbian heaven, an exclusive after-life club. But with the proliferation of lesbian porn and openly gay celebrities the straight folks need fewer persuasions to come bat for our side. More and more lesbians are crowding our once-exclusive club. All the riff-raff has gotten in and it’s no longer as special or privileged as it used to be. *Sigh* The good ol’ days…
Q: They say, mostly girls who are child abused, grow up to be lesbians. How true? Or why false?
Broom: The only abuse I faced as a child was having to drink Bournvita every morning. Maybe that turns us into lesbians? I should use Bournvita to increase my conversion rate & earn higher commissions.
TC: The question should be framed thus: “How true is this? If false, why?”
Yes. True. As a teenager growing up in the 90s , abuse came in many forms. Seeing Vivek Mushran act, Govinda doing pelvic thrusts, Anil Kapoor baring his chest again and again. This repeated visual assault was aggravated by lyrical ignominies like, “Achikoo Bachikoo Kachikoo”, “Chin China China”, “Hata Saawan ki Ghata”. The only respite was Madhuri doing Dhak Dhak and Kimi Katkar giving Chummas and Juhi going Tu Tu Tu Tu Tara and Raveena’s gyrations in Tu Cheez Baree hai Mast Mast. The 90s were tough times. I am going to lie down now.
Q: Do you always play the ‘husband’ or you flip?
Broom: We take turns. One of us wears a dhoti-kurta & the other wears a sari. While I’m the husband I boss my wife around, don’t do the dishes & demand a dowry. One time I tried to set her on fire. That back-fired when it was her turn to be the husband, though.
TC: I’ve done everything I could to get her to grow her body hair. Once I bought her a Groucho Marx get up, as a hint. But it mysteriously disappeared the following day and no mention was made of it. The next week, I could hear our neighbour groaning “Oh, Groucho! Gimme Mo!”
The best we can do these days is leaving the toilet seat up, just to shake things up a bit. When we feel particularly adventurous, one of us cracks a fart joke!
Q: Do you find yourself more attractive than the other straight girls in your group because men
Broom: This question was incomplete when it was sent to us. Maybe a COPY-PASTE fail?
TC: Look, son… We’re lesbians. Not mind readers.
Q: If a guy proposes you, how would you refuse?
Broom: By shaking my head vigorously? I’d also call our brother organisation ‘Gay Conversions’ and send them a potential lead for converting a straight man into a gay man.
TC: I always start by saying I like women. The nice, understanding blokes feel a bit crushed but they take it well. The ones who insist that we are just confused? I say, “Okay, but I am not a chaste virgin.” That makes 90% of them disappear. The ones who persist, I tell them about my STD. That always works.
Q: When you think about your partner, what do you fantasize?
Broom: I fantasize about her putting away her shoes, doing the laundry & cooking me a nice dinner so I can find the time to fantasize.
TC: I fantasize about wearing her shoes, freshly ironed clothes and the steaming dinner she cooks for me.
Q: Do lesbians have g-spots?
Broom: Is the lesbian in question physiologically a woman? Yes? Ok, does that answer your question?
TC: What are G-spots? No relation to polka dots I suppose? A skin affliction? The only spots I know are the ones zits leave behind.
We also have G-strings, if you’d like to wear some.
Q: What you miss about having sex with a man?
Broom: Missing the point, aren’t we? AGAIN.
TC: The correct way to frame this question is, “What ‘do’ you miss about having sex with a man?”
Where do I begin? Perhaps having my nipples being tweaked like the dials of a radio? Or maybe the part where I must bargain to do a week of chores in exchange for wearing condom? Or perhaps having my head pushed down in the hopes of getting blown? Or maybe the part where they roll over and sleep when we’re done? God, I miss it so much… I am cruising the straight bars tonight.
Q: Ranbir is polular amongst who’s the one amongst lesbian? And why?
Broom: Another horribly typed question. I’m assuming he meant Ranbir is popular amongst the gay community, who’s popular amongst the lesbian community – I’m thinking the answer is Katrina.
TC: This question contains so much gibberish, I don’t even know where to begin. I will attempt to demystify this cryptic puzzle.
Do you mean pustular? What a terribly rude thing to say. Also two much amongst in there for my comfort.
Oh POPULAR. Yes, yes, he’s certainly popular. We’re just using Ranbir as bait to bond with seemingly straight women. After a few drinks, we have them convinced that we’re soul sisters and then we devolve to being soul-mates. All a part of the grand-conversion-scheme.
Q: Do lesbians meet girls for ‘no strings attached sex’?
Broom: If he knew MJ, he wouldn’t ask that question!
TC: Are you asking for G-strings again? Way to be, subtle… jeez!
Q: Are there ‘lesbian call girls’? Or have you ever heard about it?
Broom: I haven’t heard about it, but I’m sure there are.
TC: Yes. But I am not giving you their number!
Q: What type of lesbian you wouldn’t date?
Broom: The kind that’s in the closet & refuses to ever come out. Although, once upon a time that was me.
TC: The correct way to frame this question is, “What type of lesbians would you not date?” (note: A kind reader pointed out that, this could be written also written thus: ‘What type of lesbian would you not date?’)
As for the answer to your question: The ones who are thinner than me. How will I ever fit into their clothes?!
Q: Are lesbian pornons [sic] popular?
Broom: Yes, amongst straight men, mostly.
TC: Porn-ons are no turn-ons.
Q: Do lesbians feel more masculine with a strap-on dildo for [sic]?
Broom: Depends on the lesbian. And not all of us want to/need to feel masculine or need a strap on to make us feel like masculine – whatever ‘masculine’ means, anyway.
TC: HELLO! Mind reading, again? Didn’t your momma teach you to complete your questions?
Q: Do leasbians discuss sex more than straight couples together? Are they more passionate?
Broom: Is there a quantifiable amount that defines how much straight couples discuss sex? It depends on the couple.
TC: Okay, I said grammar lessons. NOT spelling classes.
As for your answer, could you perhaps be kind enough to send us a taped weekly recording of all the sexual conversations you’re having with your partner? I promise to not judge or share. But if we must compare, we need to work with real quantifiable data. For passion quotient, we will create an impartial panel consisting of gay men since they neither belong to your team nor mine. Okay, brother? Winner buys sex-toys.
Q: Are they also more sexually active?
Broom: Depends on the couple.
TC: Please send weekly stats as stated above. Protection from feeling inadequate, not guaranteed.
Q: Tell us about lesbian quickies?
Broom: There’s no such thing! Lesbian sex lasts for hours, sometimes days.
TC: Funny story. Once we competed with Maggi noodles to see which would be done faster. We forgot about the competition and the noodles on the stove and our house caught on fire. But we kept it up through the raging flames. Yes, we live on the edge.
Q: You have sex during your period?
Broom: I try not to do anything that requires any energy during my period.
TC: We stop for nothing! Periods are for wimps! We live on the edge!
Q: Do you also check for STDs?
Broom: Yes.
TC: NO! WE LIVE ON THE EDGE!
Q: What is it about a lesbian that’s most ‘beautiful’?
Broom: It’s the rainbow tattoo on our boobs.
TC: Never having to worry about birth control! No more condoms… Booyah!
Q: Are threesome popular amongst lesbians?
Broom: No idea!
TC: The only time my partner and I tried it with an over-enthusiastic third wheel, our limbs got horribly mangled and we were stuck together for days, until we were separated through surgical means.
And on that note, we conclude this exciting compendium of incisive answers to The Straight Man’s questions on “What are lesbians made of?” Please feel free to leave your own answers in the comments to any questions that catches your fancy.
hahahaha….you guys are hilarious. I can’t stop laughing. Broom De Wodehouse and TC – my new fav writers!
loving the rainbow tattoo, period for wimps and Amway reward scheme…you guys are killer…..Part 3 soon???
>Do straight men go around having sexual flings with men to ‘double check’ if they’re bi-curious or just straight?<
Brilliant, as were the other responses.
Only one grammar quibble:
“What type of lesbians would you not date?"
Shouldn't it be singular?
What type of shirt would you not wear?
What type of daal would you not put in sambar?
What type of cluelessstraightboy would you not be exasperated with?
What type of lesbian would you not date?
Where's my Wren and Martin when I most need it?
Dear Lovely Kinsey,
Your logic is as impenetrable as Fort Knox. However, my reasoning was that “you” in this question is used in plural form. Hence ‘lesbians’ over ‘lesbian’. But we shall add a note and let our friends in the “international men’s magazine” decide.
TC
Are these questions for real? I just threw up a little in my mouth. What a pathetic looser!
Broom and TC: I am planning to build you guys a “lesbian” temple in Tamil Nadu (right next to Kushboo’s ofcourse), for patiently reading and responding to this nonsense. Made a fun reading!
I assure you, we don’t possess the ‘imagination’ to dream up these questions. As for the temple, I will send vital-stats to mould idols and all that.
Of course I knew they were real. I could smell horny straight man all over it 😛 My question was rhetorical.
I hope you guys weren’t doing this sober. So much exasperation ensues.
hahahahahahahaaha……………….
i just LOVED this!!!!!
grinning away….made my day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
muaaahssss…on the tattooos ;-))
I like that there’s a balance in terms of the replies to the questions. To give the benefit of doubt – assuming these were genuine questions and someone was ‘really trying to understand’ and was so clueless they didn’t even know how to frame the questions more correctly or sensitively. Most of Broom’s responses are honest and to the point. TC’s take on the questions is definitely snarky and witty, which in my opinion gives it that edge, especially if the questions were meant to drive magazine sales and titillate. The way these questions have been posed there appears to be no background research, little application of common sense, an absence of simple observation, and scant respect or regard for others – not even basic attention to detail and the correct use of language that one would expect from a ‘premium’ publication. Thanks Broom and TC for taking the time to do this and for sharing it.
This is hilarious. Their ignorance and obvious delusion is astounding and I can’t tell whether they aren’t watching enough porn or watching too much porn! Having said that, I wish you would have replied to them with more straight faced answers that would have made them realize their stupidity & ignorance without making them feel that you were laughing at them. (Yes, yes we’re all laughing but they don’t *have* to know that.)
Maybe I’m being too optimistic but this could have been an opportunity to dispel their stereotypes & maybe, make them more aware. Some of the questions were downright annoying but maybe you could tell them just why that is.
They’ve clearly misunderstood some very basic ideas of being gay & someone needs to tell them that. I wish that was you.
Interesting thought Scarlett. I beg to differ. All they wanted was cheap titillation for the magazine readership. (You can tell from their questions). If the answers were serious, with an intention to educate or clear their misconception, the magazine would have simply ignored them.
Right, I see your point. The attitude of the magazine is a little infuriating though. Anyway, in that case, job well done! 🙂
Hi Scarlet,
I did offer to give him honest answers to his questions and warned him that he would not like what he saw. His response was to tell me that they would go to ‘international sources’ to get the answers. Hence, this post.
What does he mean by ‘international sources’?
there was a debate few months ago in famous online lesbian magazines of india :JIAH Magazine” published from some from bangalore. as the matter is SERIOUS i request all the readers to please throw some light and express your views. one aged trangender male to female wrote to miss farzana doctor. you may be know that Miss farzana Doctor is a famous lesbian activist from canada. the trans person said that he is mentally a women trapped inside body of a man. this much is digestable. he further siad that he is attracted towards women only. thus a biologically Man who claims to be mentally a lesbian women. Farzana doctor supported this person and said that lesbians should come out to befriend such people. IDEOLOGICALLY that matter is very very confusing ???? will some one throw light on this. as the Gaysi is discussing lesbianism in detail i think this is the Most appropiate moment to clear out such confusions.
I suppose there is more to identifying as a male or a female than sexuality. He might personally identify/relate as a female. Yet, in terms of sexual attraction he might feel attracted to women. The two are intertwined but not dependent of each other.
He wants to be with a man as a woman. In stereotypical terms, he wants to be the woman in the relationship. Quite literally.
Hope this helps!
Once you know the person identifies as female, it is wrong to refer them as “He”. I know it was unintentional, but lets use correct pronouns please.
Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. One doesn’t necessarily affect the other. So basically, the gender you think you are doesn’t influence the people you are attracted to.
Surendra, no need for idealogical confusion. One may be male-to-female (transwoman) and be attracted to men, women, other transpeople, all of the above, or none of the above. Similarly one may be female-to-male (transman) and be attracted to men, women, other transpeople, all of the above, or none of the above.
A biological male does not ‘become’ a woman to pursue attraction to men, but because of inner dissonance between ‘mental sex of a woman’ and ‘anatomical sex of a male’. We now know that this dissonance is independent of sexual orientation.
While it is true that many in the ‘visible’ transgender community in India, i.e. hijras, are primarily attracted to men, this is more an issue of invisibility of those trans people with other sexual orientations.
surendra, not to sound cantankerous, but i believe your view of transfolks is a common stereotype assumed by many. since you are here in gaysi, implies that you are probably comfortable with the idea of some genetic girls being attracted to biological women, then why do you think transgirls would be any different from cisgirls?
Just as how some cisgirls are attracted to women and some are bisexuals, so is the same with transgirls. and is true in general for transguys i personally knew.
Though, scarlett, lady jughead and kinsey3 covered most of your query precisely, there is only one keypoint which they missed which i would like to highlight. It is common for most transgirls to flip their orientation during HRT/RLT. This is not a hard and rigid rule and there are number of girls who did not change their orientation during transition.
Kinsey3, to articulate on the issue you raised on the invisibility of transfolks with other orientation, personal story (not to point at names): met visible domain wall with some well-known transgirls in chennai when i came out as bi. Thanks to my BFF at that time who was also trans, she bailed me out of those awkward moments. And hence coming to your question kinsey3, most of us who are “not-explictly-into-men” ,atleast in the context of india, try not to be visible.
P.S: I am not sure if this issue of sexual preference of transgendered individuals are addressed in gaysi before. Would be great to see a post on this
pokes rashmi……..XD.
Brenda, special brownie points for using cis and trans and for avoiding MTF and FTM 🙂
Brenda was abs correct about gender shifting, particularly in trans folks. (Infact Bilerico is covering that right now.) In recent times, I have started doubting if it is not gender shifting but rather realising your true orientation. I have heard true stories of cis-lesbian separatists sleeping with men and with cis-straight women being attracted to random women. Overall, I think both gender and sexuality is very fluid and I would not be surprised if someone told me it could change as we age.
My theory: I think one of the reasons trans folks identify their sexuality changes a little late is because they are still working out their gender issues which takes precedence in almost all cases.
Pet peeve:
MTF and FTM are very clinical words. A lot of trans folks never feel connected with their assigned gender at any point in their lives. So when we call them “M to” or “F to” , we are casting our image of them as we see it and that destabilises the entire argument of “self assertion of gender”. Also, not all trans folks go thru reassignement . So in a clinical sense , they might not be “to M” or “to F” either. Using trans women and trans men is probably the most polite form of gender expression in recent times. It is also inclusive of other trans folks who do not believe in gender binary as well.
It would only be fair and less confusing, if we also use MSM and WSW for gays should we decide to go with MTF and FTMs 🙂
hahahaha….broom and TC you guys are hilarious, its sad that the person sending this questionnaire wasn’t infront of you. that would have been a treat…well done guys!!!
LMAO 😀
Love the bad-ass punk answers from TC… 😛
Just a shy punkster, really. But thank you!
I still don’t understand how I get dragged by you ladies in this! Agreed I am inspirational and stuff, but I have a reputation to manage as well.
On the other hand, 3 minutes with me and the guy would have left the room on crutches. 🙂
[…] more of The Cathartist, try The guide to understanding lesbians Part 1, and part 2, a hilarious exchange she Broom, the co-founder of Gaysi, had with a prominent men’s […]
Gosh you guys really had the patience & the sense of humour to deal with this. I think I would’ve been protesting in front of his “international men’s magazine” office! Kudos!
“Broom: All lesbians tattoo rainbows on their boobs – it’s the law. So if we suspect someone is a lesbian we ask them to flash us so we can know for sure.
TC: If you turn off the lights, our private parts glow in the dark like little beacons of gayness. Beacons? Runways? Landing strips? Get it? BAZINGA!”
INGENIOUS!
i am glad that learned ladies in this forum answered the query on transgenders. firstly i must apologize to all for my poor english. i am from a rural background. but few puzzles still remain in my mind. sorry if i ask some questions which are too explicit but i have no other friend to answer these queries. i am aged lady and a closet lesbian. how should i react when a person who calls himself as “lesbian women trapped inside the body of a male”. as a common practice most lesbians refain from men and i am no EXCEPTION to this rule. my heart says that i should go for him / her. i like him / her. but at the same time i am hell bent scared of the fact that the concerning person is having male genitals. i am extremely sorry it is not appropriate to discuss personal matters here. what advice will my sisters have for me.
SK: just because you are a lesbian doesn’t mean you will be (or should feel obligated to be) attracted to every other lesbian there is.
Try not to separate out your personal preferences reg. whom you would like to date from the need to respect her identity as a transwoman and as a lesbian.
oops that should have been “try to separate” not “try not to separate”
candidly speaking, much of it depends on the person who identifies as ‘lesbian trapped in a man’s body’. Since you are obviously disturbed by the male parts, the whole issue breaks down to how much the other person is willing to proceed with. In plain words, is the other person willing to undergo SRS or not. Not all of transindividuals prefer to go for the surgery. It is preferable to have a long discussion with that person.
since the issue you asked is a bit subtle. i tried to break it down to certain keypoints which you may want to consider. By no means this list is complete, just some points which i might ease you.
————————————————————————————————————-
1. Is the person in question, living fulltime as a female or planing to go full time in public soon? Most heterosexual transvestites identify themselves that way too. Eddie Izzard is a good example, identifies as male lesbian.
2. Is the person under HRT and for how long? Some girls have a tendency to flip during hormone replacement therapy so if you are looking for long term relationship, please take these into consideration.
3. Is that person seriously considering surgery? This would be ideal for you since you are repulsed by the male parts.
——————————————————————————————————————-
Finally there is more to sexuality than just what happens between 4 walls (as well indians normally tend to confine sex and sexuality to these zones). Just because she is another girl doesn’t necessary imply you have to be attracted to her. Get to know her as a person and you will know if she is ideal for you.
P.S: If that person is the one for you then congrats.
Mahn diz comment from TC: If you turn off the lights, our private parts glow in the dark like little beacons of gayness. It was lik freakin awesome seriously hats off ya